how do you feel about an open adoption?

Question

My husband and I have been asked if we would like to adopt one of or foster children but we would have to alow him visation with his birth mother who is a heroin adict and a crimanal we have already adoptide one child but this case scares us we belive it would be different if she was not hooked on drugs and had a big crimanal record we do love the child but this sounds dangerous what should we do

Answer 1

honey that is totally up to you all but i wish you the best.And i think what you all are doing giving these kids a chance is great, keep up the good work

Answer 2

I think open adoption is good. It allows the child to stay connected with the birth parents. I understand your concern for this specific situation, but eventually they will find out about being adopted, and maybe this will make it easier on them.

Think of the best interest of the child. It wouldn't be fair to deny them the love of a proper family, they could end up in foster care until they are 18, it is common that the older children don't get adopted. If you love them, then do what is right for them, not because of what comes along with doing it.

Use the mother as an example, what the child should be cautious of. It may help them understand that his birth mom was sick which is why he's with you now, and the fact that he's adopted makes you love him more.

Answer 3

I would strongly suspect that this woman has ADHD and possibly conduct disorder. ADHD is genetically passed, as is the tendency to alcoholism. Understand that can SERIOUSLY affect your life. Go in with your eyes open.

Hate to say it but a very high percentage of children in foster care have ADHD. Not just everyone is prepared to care for these kids. And if this mother has CD, she also probably had ODD when she was young.

Hardly anyone is prepared for raising a child with ADHD and ODD - oppositional defiant disorder. Ask some social workers. They'll tell you all about it. And it ain't fun or pretty. Now some folks will come down on me for this, but I am giving you honest advice you can rely on.

Further, heroin addicts are known to steal from EVERYONE. So I would NEVER let her know your last name or address or ANY contact information. Because either she or her addict friends may rob you eventually.

If it were up to me, I'd pass. I'm sorry.

Answer 4

I know of two cases of open adoption. And neither party wishes it wasnt open. The child is able to have a loving family and able to know the biological parents. Believe it or not ppl can change and if you adopt this second child you'll be able to say under what terms the mother can see the child such as she must be drug free during the visit. This woman obviously understands she can not care for the child give her a little credit for atleast trying to do the right thing by allowing him to be adopted by a loving family that can give him what she is not able to. More often then not women that want open adoption do not often come by. I say if you love the child do it, he'll find out who she is at some point in his life atleast having her around for visitation he's able to form his own opinions of her. And yes the visitation will be in your home supervised.

Answer 5

Would your local FIA really allow him to visit her, I don't think they would, but if they did, it would definitely be supervised. I would contact the agency involved here, because this really doesn't add up to me. I can not see how an agency that should only have a child's best interest in mind would allow this. If she was clean I think it would be a different story. Other than that, I think it is wonderful what your family does and I wish there were more people in the world like you. I personally, would love to adopt someday and I can see how this would make you uneasy, but think of the benefits for everyone involved. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

with the mother's background, i'd say closed adoption. if the child is at an age that they understand that the mother does drugs and is a criminal (like 10 or older) than i'd ask both the lawyer and the child. ask the lawyer what you guys should do.
personally, if i were adopting a child whose mother is an addict, i'd say closed. i wouldn't want to risk having that child see what drugs can do to you...especially at a young age....if the child understands and is 12-13 years old, i'd say open because they are at an age that they are learning for themselves what's right and wrong (and learning from the soon-to-be parents), than open adptoin. if i were to adopt a child from a single teenager who couldn't raise the child herself (with or without the support of her family), i'd say open adoption.
the final decision is up to you. please talk to the lawyer about this. also, talk to the child if you can (depending on age) to see what they want....it's their life that you're fighting for in the best interest of them, but it also effects them.

Answer 7

I don't think that I could handle it knowing her background. It would stress me out too much. What you are doing is great though. Have you done everything you can to make sure this is the only option? However, it is better that he lives with you and is safe from her than eventually go back to her. This is a difficult situation. Good luck!

Answer 8

Sound fishy to me! I did not think they could make you do anything after a child was legally adopted. They may say they think you should but after he is yours they cannot make you do anything. I would check with a lawyer. I don't want to go into it here but email me if you would like........I just went through a foster adopt!

Answer 9

I feel for you and your situation. Unfortunately, courts care more about birth parents rihts then children's' rights and best interests. The only thing I can say is write your congressmen and encourage your friends and family to do the same. The laws need to change.

Answer 10

Open adoptions are the norm now adays!! You need to bring your concerns to the judge. That you, as adoptive parents; are concerned about this child's biological mother BECAUSE of her drug usage & criminal history. Then, go from there.