should I tell my daughter shes adopted?

Question

Im a foster parent of four children and recently was able to adopt one of the little girls that we have had seince she was born. her mother is a drug addict and is in prison for a long time she is now one and half years old and we love her very much, but dont know if me and my husband should tell her about her mother and if we do when whould be a good time.

Answer 1

not yet!!!! i would say when she is old enough to understand what is going on. mostly that you are her parents even tho you didn't give birth to her. that raising her is what makes you her parents and you love her no matter what. and that her mom just was unable to provide the stable home that you are for her. so i would say... 9, 10 or so? all depends on the maturity of her...

Answer 2

I would say that yes, in the long run telling her sooner would be beneficial. If you wait until a later time, you'll end up putting it off and putting it off. Then, when you finally do tell her, it will come as an utter shock. I'm adopted, and I've been told that I was adopted since I can remember. At first, when I learned what adopted meant, I was a bit sad, because I thought it meant my parents didn't love me. However, once I was able to comprehend the issue more easily, I realized that, in fact, both my sets of parents loved me. My birth-parents had to give me up for my own good, and my adopted parents love me enough to hope the very best for me, take me in, and do everything they can to ensure a good life for me. I can't easily think of any negative aspects of telling her. I would also suggest perhaps buying some books that explain adoption. The one I got when I was a child was very soothing. I just checked my bookshelf, and found the book I remember reading with my parents when I was very little. It doesn't explain adoption, exactly, but it's a nice picture book that shows your parents love you in simple, yet beautiful illustrations. The book is "The Day We Met You," by Phoebe Koehler. I've included a link to where you can purchase the book, should you like to do so, in my sources.

Answer 3

Absolutely. Wait until she can understand. I knew I was adopted for as long as I can remember and never had any problems with it. I was always told that I could find my birth parents when I was 18. I didn't, however, until I was 23. I was pleasantly surprised that my birth parents were still together and I had 2 brothers and a sister. I love them all but my adoptive parents will always be my parents. I respect them for giving me up for adoption because I had many more oportunities. However, I was not a foster care situation with drug addict birth parents, so that helpes. I would suggest the same type of thing, let her know and then let her know more only when she can handle it (at least 18).

Answer 4

You should absolutely tell your daughter that she is adopted.

I am the mother of 2 adopted children and all of books I have read and the support we have been given has suggested that using adoptive friendly terminology from the very beginning will lead to the best outcome for your child in the long term.

Obviously she is not old enough now to understand the reasons that her birthmother could not parent her. You should use positive language when talking about her birthmother- that she loved her but wasn't able to care for her, etc. When she is older she will be able to understand the complexities of the situation.

I would also seek out support in the way of other adoptive parents or families. This has been very helpful for our daughter to know she has friends w/ a family like hers.

Answer 5

I have a good friend who is 30 years old and she is adopted and last year she had found her birth parents, we talked about this subject many times even before she found her biological parents and she is not bitter and she is not upset that she was adopted infact she is very grateful that someone wanted her and she wasnt raised in a orphanage. I believe its best to tell the child when she is at an age that she can understand that you love her and that you have had her with you since she was born and explain to her that its okay to feel sad but reasure her that you love her and that you wanted her all along and how happy she has made your life, dont be afraid to be honest because it will only build a stronger bond between you and her and it will teach her to always be honest with you and i know that everything will work out for you!!! Please let me know if this helped you at all!! GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 6

Absolutely you need to tell her! Do it today! Start telling her now even though she doesn't completely understand what you are telling her. This way, you have of few years of refining your story...while she matures and slowly starts to understand. She will never have a When-I-Was-Told memory...nor will she get a hurtful revelation from a distant relative. She WILL find out some day. Put this conversation in the context of you are so happy that she is in your life, how much you love her, etc.

And, you can gloss over the sadder parts of her history until she really is old enough to understand and deal with the information. But, don't lie to her. Tell her simply that her birth mother could not take care of her.

Answer 7

I would definitely tell her. I don't know how old she is but as she gets older and understands that babies come from "mommies tummies" I would explain that you are her mommy but she came from another woman's tummy. This seemed to work with a friend of ours who adopted. I don't think you need to get in to all of the problems the biological mother had or is having. Just tell her that her that the woman who grew her in her tummy loved her very much but couldn't take care of her and wanted her to have a mommy and daddy that could give her everything she needed. As she gets older, and asks questions, be honest but keep in mind her maturity level and make the answers short and sweet. Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 8

I think, as early as possible you should tell her what adoption is and how wonderfully lucky adopted children are. Let her know it is a positive thing and makes her extra special... then when she is old enough to understand even better (you make that call based on her personality) let her know that she is one of those lucky children.

She does not need to know the details of her birth-mother until she is even older - because knowing your birth mother is in prison will be hard to carry through elementary school.

Answer 9

My cousin grew up knowing he was adopted.
It was not a big deal....and I believe this helped to avoid the drama of "telling" him as he got older. I remember they had a small story book about adoption which he had when he was small. (Here's one:http://www.amazon.ca/My-New-Family-First-Adoption/dp/0764124617)

They never really told him the gruesome details about his mother. When he was older and asked more questions,they just used to say that she was unable to care for him & loved him enough to find him a family that could. Mostly, they would focus on the good memories of his "coming home" and how very much he is loved. (Not exactly true...about his biological mother... but a better thing to tell a child when they are so very young.)

Answer 10

i would say you definitely should tell her. if by some odd chance she were to find out later she would be very angry and hurt if you didn't tell her. right not though she is a little young to understand completely. if you can get in touch with a child therapist or psychologist they can give you good tips on when and how to tell her and even possibly get her into therapy around an appropriate age to help her deal with the issues. (if necessary) she may be perfectly ok with it and she may not it just depends on the person. i feel that it will work out for you. i have friends who are adopted and never knew any different and they are just fine.

Answer 11

Yes you should tell her but right now is waaaayy too early. Adopted children almost always have a feeling that they are adopted, so she'll probably start to ask questions when the time is right. Just wait until either questions are asked or you feel that she can handle it like a mature adult.