Who is right in this matter of the rehearsal dinner???

Question

My fiance's parents are paying for the dinner but his mother only told me 20 people are allowed to come. Well including me and my fiance there are 12 people in the wedding party without their spouses. My fiance brothers are in the wedding and so their spouses and children are coming but all that adds up to 20 people. His mom said i can have my dad (my mother passed away) and grandparents come but not the flower girls or their parents. I think my aunts and uncles should be able to come and my wedding parties spouses. Who is supposed to come to the rehearsal dinner and what do i do with all my family coming from out of town??

Answer 1

I agree with the others, I think you should sit down with your fiance and his parents and let them know that it is important to you that your flower girls and their parents attend since they are a part of the wedding and the spouses of the wedding party. Let them know that you would be more than happy to pay for the additional expense so they can attend. While some people do choose to, you are not obligated to invite additional family members (aunts and uncles) not in the wedding or out of town guests. And since this event is being hosted by his parents, they have a right to limit who is invited. I would compromise by asking if you could include only the flower girls and their parents and the spouses of the wedding party members if you agree to pay for the additional expense. As for the rest of your family, maybe you can see if your local family (aunts and uncles) would be willing to host a get together at one of their houses for all of the family coming in from out of town. After the rehearsal dinner, you can stop by and spend time with them for awhile. Otherwise, you can just offer some suggestions on places they can go if they want to go out to eat or host a second event yourself.

Answer 2

Laura there is only one way to fix this to make you happy. Refuse the cash. I honestly don't think you should invite all those people. I would invite only the wedding party and your parents. I would also include "dates" only for the flower girls as they are too young to attend on their own. If you want all these people try a BBQ in your yard make it come as and go. It really isn't right for any spouses and children to come (even if they are family if no one elses are invited)And to invite nieces and nephews when the children in the wedding party aren't invited is very wrong. I knew this was going to be a problem for my wedding so I cut the rehearsal dinner we all set up for the next day then I used the excuse that there were children in the wedding party to avoid a late night. Everyone knew this wasn't the reason (we have parents who are divorced and I didn't want the Drama).but it was a nicer way to do it with no one getting offended.By the way with everyone coming in town you are going to be pulled in ever direction leave as much open as you can and avoid letting anyone plan who you will see or where you will be it avoids a lot of hurt feelings . My mother in law is very bossy(sorry that is the nice way to put it) and my family ended up getting the short stick from the moment her entourage pulled into town.

Answer 3

Well.....your mother in law is right. The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party, not their spouses. Of course it would be nice to invite them but technically, it is solely for the wedding party. If you want to invite spouses then other payment arrangements for the others or just have a small get together after the rehearsal at someone's house.

Answer 4

It's your wedding and you should have who you want at the rehearsal dinner. Either refuse the your fiance's mothers offer altogether, or plan to pay the additional cash. This is not about what she wants, it's about what you want. With all of those poeple coming in from out of town, the rehearsal dinner is a great opportunity to see them. Trust me, you'll be too busy at the wedding.

Answer 5

The rehearsal dinner is traditionally sponsored by the groom's parents and only for those persons who are actual participants in the wedding ceremony. Therefore, taking into account the parents of the bride and groom, the best man, the maid of honor, a flower girl and ring bearer (normally a little boy) that would account for 10 people allowing for 5 additional WEDDING PARTY participants from the groom and bride's respective sides, usually groomsmen and bridesmaids, keeping to the 20 person limit imposed by your prospective in-laws. A wedding rehearsal is not to be confused with a bridal shower or wedding party; it is a dress rehearsal where the ACTUAL WEDDING PARTICIPANTS are "rewarded" for their participation. If the groom's parents choose to extend the invitation to others that is their choice.

You may consider asking your prospective in-laws if you could participate financially in the rehearsal dinner for the benefit of your family to be there. However, for the sake of family peace, perhaps the best alternative would be for you to secure a local hospitality room or restaurant where you and your future spouse can meet your family after the rehearsal dinner.

Answer 6

Heres the long and short of it.

Proper ettiquette states that the attendees of a wedding rehearsal are your parents, grandparents, attendants AND their spouses/parents(for the children), and any people with special jobs like readers, guestbook attendants, people who carry the host up, singers(if you know them, not the hired ones) etc and their spouses. This could amount in some weddings to about 50 people.

I would persoanlly say to your inlaws "Thanks, but no thanks" and handle it yourselves. This way you are not bitter about their restrictions that they have put on you (which seriously, how dare they? All their people can attend, but only 3 from your side. What creeps). Your rehearsal dinner doesnt have to be fancy or extravagant. Have everyone back to your house, or your dad's house or your grandparents house, get a few trays of food from the local grocery store have some beer and wine on hand and have a great time.

Let me just tell you this. I have a MIL like yours sounds to be. People will tell you that for harmony's sake you should suck it up and do what she says. This should not be how you deal with this. If you accept her terms now, you are giving her the green light to push you around, you are basically saying "My feelings are not as important as yours" DONT do this to yoursleves. If you stand up for yourselves now you are sending a clear message that you are not going to be controlled. Remember once you get married you become the family and they become the exended family, its time for them to fit you guys, not the other way around.(especially after you have kids) Speak up for yourselves now because if you dont it will just get worse after the wedding and by then she will be used to getting her way and when you finally do decide that its time to stand up for yourselves it will cause a huge rift. If you do it from the start you will be much happier and she will know her "place" in your lives.

Answer 7

Well, first off you and your man should be paying for everything for the wedding, then you would be independent and not have this problem. If you have to stick with the 20 as said, so be it. Of course, it's odd not to have the spouses of those in the wedding party. You would not ordinarily have extended family members come.

Answer 8

The purpose of the rehearsal dinner is to show all of those involved your appreciation ... that is your time to give gifts to all of the groomsmen and bridesmaids as well as the flower girl, ring bearer and both sets of parents and grand parents. It sounds like you all need to sit down and discuss things.

If you're going to have a really nice dinner, then I can see why your mother in law would only want a few people to attend. However, it wouldn't be fair to have 18 people from your fiance's side and only 2 from your side come ... there are a lot more people involved.

Answer 9

If you really want them to come, then ask your future mother in law if it would be OK for you to pay for the added guests over 20, and see what she says. You can't force her to pay for more than they can afford or for more than they have set aside for this. Dinner for 20 people can be expensive depending upon where it is. If she is still unreceptive to the idea, perhaps you can have a pizza party for the one's not invited, or you just have to explain to them that it was beyond your control and while you feel badly, the venue chosen by his parents simply couldn't fit any more people. Several ways to handle this, but this is just the FIRST of many things that you and your mother in law will have to solve, compromise, etc.

Answer 10

It is wrong for your MIL to put a limit on the number of people to invite. There are standards for this kinf of thing. Number 1, you can't invite people without their spouses...that is just soooo wrong. I would be so upset if my husband ever got invited anywhere without me. Number 2, your flower girls are a part of your wedding and should absolutely be there. As for your out of town guests, that is debatable. I personally don't think they need to be invited. You should either tell your in-laws "thanks, but no thanks", or offer to accept them paying for 20 people, but you pick up the cost for the remainder.

Good Luck, it sucks when you have to argue with your MIL even before you get married. I hope it doesn't set the tone for your whole relationship!