What is the best joke you have ever been told or heard?

Answer 1

Knock knock...

Who"s there?

Impatient Cow.

Impati....

MOO!!!

Answer 2

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told as more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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btw: I've heard the joke 'Clocks in Heaven' b4 except it was bush, not hilary and satan was using it as a fan.

Answer 3

The blue house is on the left, the brown house is on the right, where is the white house? In Washington D.C

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go for camping trip and decide to go to sleep, and then Sherlock tells Watson what he think about the stars, and dr watson starts explaining scientifically what he thinks of the stars, and asks back sherlock the same question and sherlock replied, watson you idiot, that means our tent has been stolen!

What came first the chicken or the egg? Both, because the chicken came out of the egg.

The dude went to the bar tender and each time he asked for a drink, he look in his pocket. The bar tender said i will give you drinkls all night but why everytime you ask me you look in your pocket, the guy said, because im looking at a pic of my wife, and i know when she starts looking good, it must be time to go home.

Answer 4

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

Answer 5

Aua, that was the funniest joke on here so far! Don't know why but it tickled my funny bone. I went out to the living room & tried to tell it to my husband. When he started to say, "Impatient cow who," I couldn't cut him off with a "Moooo" cuz I was laughing too hard. Seriously! Something about an impatient cow & cutting someone off by mooing was extremely funny to me. :))))!!!!
Very, very cute!

Answer 6

i just reand dat on yahoo answers



A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a bl*wjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

Answer 7

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete *** of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

Answer 8

A bloke finds a lamp on the beach, rubs it out comes jeenie "you have 1 wish" he says, man asks for a bridge across the ocean as he hates to fly "impossible" says the jeenie choose something else "ok" says man "tell me how a womans mind works" jeenie looks at him and says "so do you want lights on this bridge?"

Answer 9

Whats the difference between and Pit Bull and a woman with PMT?


Lipstick!!

Answer 10

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.
Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks
behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks? St. Peter
answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will
move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's
Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The
hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two
lies in his entire Life." "Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?"
asked the man. "Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's
using it as a ceiling fan."

Answer 11

Whats brown and sticky ? A stick.