deployment question for military wives ONLY!?

Question

My husband is in the army reserves and we recently found out that he is being deployed. We dont know where, when, or how long yet which is really making it harder to deal with cuz im not sure what to expect. my question is, How hard is it going to be to get through this? Does it go faster than you think? I know there are some questions that you dont ask a military wife but how else am i going to find out. I am scared that i wont hear from him that much and then i will sit there and worry if he is OK. i think i am going to lose it. Help me please.

Answer 1

I think some of the hardest times are when you know they're going but don't know anything else. Just hang in there and do one day at a time and you'll get through it.

I'm a Navy wife and what the other wives and service members above have said is so true that it bears repeating. Spend the time you have before the deployment getting prepared and building up memories. Spend as much of it as you can with your husband and take lots of pictures.

Don't worry too much if you find yourselves fighting more. It's part of the emotional cycle of deployment. We fight because our minds think that if we're mad at each other it will be easier to leave or be left. Know that it's likely to happen. But knowing doesn't stop the fighting entirely. It just makes it a ton easier to forgive and move on.

If you can make it to any pre-deployment information meetings go. In fact, make it a priority. That way you'll be getting the most current information without it having to come through your husband. Guys are notorious for forgetting. Or for missing what might be more important to us. Plus they're getting ready themselves and there is sooooo much information they are trying to remember.

If you're command has a Family Readiness Group check it out. The FRG's are a fabulous way to keep busy and keep in the loop for information. I know they get a reputation for being gossipy sometimes but not everyone is like that and a lot of times you can find your best support among others who are going through exactly what you are.

Another great way to get military support is to look online. There are some good forums at http://www.cinchouse.com/ and http://www.military.com/Community/Home/1,14700,GENERAL,00.html. Also, search Yahoo Groups, MySpace or anyplace else you network. Sometimes you can find your FRG groups, local groups, base groups, or branch of service groups where people can answer questions and provide support. Just be aware of operational and personal security rules anytime you're talking online.

Keeping busy is key. Not only does it make time pass more quickly, it gives you something to send in e-mails or letters to your husband. And you can get a personal sense of accomplishment when you get projects done.

There's no one "right" way to do this. Like the news issue, some people need to see it, others don't. Some people like to draw their kids closer to them, others need some time away occasionally. Some people write everyday, others less. Find whatever works for you and don't let anyone else make you doubt yourself.

Answer 2

Once you know when and where he's going, it will probably make things a little bit easier. The not-knowing part always kills me. And I find that the weeks leading up to him leaving are the most stressful. I dread saying good-bye, and there is a sense of relief once he actually leaves, because the hardest part is over. Once he's gone, you can start counting the days until he comes home!

It is very hard, but you will get through it. I always tell everyone to do whatever they have to to stay busy. Start a job, go back to school, volunteer, get a hobby, whatever you have to do. I got my bachelor's degree pretty fast because I just over-loaded on courses whenever hubby was deployed. It was nice to stay busy while doing something for myself. The busier you are, the more the days will fly by. If you sit at home for a year, it will seem like it never ends.

It's also important to stay in touch with the family readiness group. I know it's hard because he's not active duty and you probably don't live in a military town, but I think that makes it even more important. It is good to have friends who know what you're going through, and they can also keep you up to date on what is going on with the unit.

Another big thing is to avoid the news. All it will do is make you worry. This last deployment, I had a link to a website that listed all the fatalities in Iraq as soon as the name was released. I had a horrible habit of checking it every day to see if anyone we knew was on it. Not a good way to spend a year - it made me worry too much.

As far as how often you hear from him, it will all depend on where he is. Most places in Iraq (if that's where he's going) have pretty good MWR facilities, and the soldier can use the phone/internet pretty often. I write to my husband all the time when he's gone, but he's not one to write back. His last deployment I got exactly 4 letters the whole time :( The longest I ever went without hearing from my husband was 5-6 weeks - BUT that was in early 2003 at the very beginning of the war. The second time around, it rarely went over a week, and when it did, I yelled at him because I knew other guys in the unit were calling home, so he could have too.

Remember, the most important thing is to take care of yourself and your kids, if you have any. Knowing that everything is squared away back home will help him be better able to focus on the mission. Plus, I'm always kind of proud of myself for what I can accomplish when he's gone. There are things I never thought I could do (my mom still doesn't believe I cleaned my own gutters), but with my husband gone, I have to do them.

Good luck. It won't be as bad as you think.

Answer 3

Hi,

Army wife here.... You've already received a lot of good answers, but when you're nervous about the unknown, it never hurts to get a few more, right? So, here goes:

Just a few bits and pieces in random order:

1) Before he deploys, get a special power of attorney (POA) for anything you think might come up in the next year that you'll need his signature for. (Registering his vehicle, changing allotments, breaking a lease, and most importantly, filing taxes.) General Powers of Attorney are usually not accepted anymore due to a few bad apples in the world!

2) Make sure the Rear D has your contact info. and also let them know when you go out of town. If there is an FRG, make sure they have your information, as well. You don't have to participate, but if you want information on the unit while he's gone, you need to be sure someone can contact you.

3) Mail takes about a week to get to Iraq... four weeks to come FROM Iraq. Depending on his job and what kind of base he'll be on, there's no telling how much you'll hear from him. Don't worry if it's a few weeks. No news really IS good news.

4) Even when you're not feeling upbeat, fake it when you talk to him while he's deployed. It's essential he keep his mind on his mission. If he's worried about you (and you'll be fine!), he can't concentrate on keeping himself safe.

5) Stay away from televised news and DEFINITELY stay away from Yahoo! Answers.

6) Chances are, he will be extended three to six months. Count on it and if it doesn't happen, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

7) Is it easy? No. Is it impossible? No. It's just absolutely essential that you don't panic when you don't hear from him. He won't be able to keep a regular schedule with contacting you.... missions get changed, the line for the phone can be too long, phones may be broken, etc., etc., etc., There are a million variables. Please keep them all in mind when you don't hear from him.

8) Write him often. Send pictures. That's what they live for. (Even if he has access to e-mail, still send letters. Nothing can replace a handwritten letter from a loved one.)

Hang in there. The build up before him leaving is worse than the actual deployment. It's a heart breaker to drop him off, and really, really rough the first two weeks or so, but after that you get into a groove. Missing him and worrying never goes away, but you are able to live your life.

Take care.

Answer 4

I am a wife of a Army Soldier, he has been over there for 8 months, and could possibly be over there for another 10 if they get extended. Reserve usually don't stay that long, usually 8-12 months. It does go by faster then you think, I know that when I think about it it was just yesterday that I saw him leave on the blue bus for the airport. But it was actually 8 months. As long you keep busy and it helps if you are in contact with your FRG leader then you can know what is going on.
I hear from my husband about once a day most times, but he has a computer in his room and so we can talk in the morning and at night. You also can have Video Tele Conference if he signs up for it.
The best advice that I can give you is to keep busy and if you have any other questions email me.
I watch the news and read all the articles and I think that helps me more than if I was to stick my head in the sand.

Answer 5

I went through 2 year long deployments to Iraq and survived.
The first time, we had no children and it was a bit harder. The only thing that helped me was keeping busy. I started working out and playing sports. I also got a puppy and stayed busy training him. I work full time so that helped too.
The second time, our son was 9 months old when he left, I still worked full time, had a house, yard, bills, etc. Needless to say, there wasn't a whole lot of time to sit around and miss him. You really do have to find something to keep you busy, that is the key!!! Good luck and you will do fine. I've always said I'm not a strong person, when it comes to stuff like this. If I can do it (twice), so can you!!! : )

Answer 6

The hardest parts of the deployment are the first few weeks and the last few weeks.

It will be rough at first, but try to find things to keep busy, after a few weeks you get a new routine down and you deal. There are going to be really rough patches- it always seems like whatever can go wrong will- be it the washer overflowing, the car breaking down or the whole family getting sick.

Sit down with your husband now and find out who to call incase of problems, contact all of your creditors and find out what you need as far as power of attorneys for them while he is deployed (some places give discounts etc during seplotments so ask about that too!), get in touch with other wives in the area (I dont know if you have FRG's or not) whos husbands are deploying.

Try to stay positive on the phone with your hubby, send pictures and packages full of goodies, have the kids do things too!

The last few weeks are rough too because it seems to drag on forever. Plan things to keep you busier then normal, pamper yourself right before he comes home- get your hair done, manis and pedis, go shopping- plan a special night for the 2 of you!

Most of all- be strong! It is ok to cry- and to ask for help- but your husband needs to know that you are ok!

Answer 7

I now I am not a wife; however I have some information that will help you out. I am retired now, however I deployed twice and my wife was in charge of the family support group. She is not here now, as she is deployed out of state to help our daughter on family issues.

Before deployment, you need to be getting things in order and spending time with each other. Items that need to be taken care of are, Power of Attorneys, review all documentation as far as life insurance policies, warranty on appliances, bills. The purpose here is to ensure that if anything happens like the washer, car, or any other big ticket items breaks down, you can get it repaired.

Before he deploys, the unit should host a family orientation meeting. The purpose of this is to let you know who to contact if you need assistance with anything. Once he deploys, he will be considered on active duty and you will have a few additional entitlements. This too should be covered. Also they should be setting up a family support group, this is so that the wives can have contact with other wives that are going through the same thing you are and you can help each other out. My wife kept allot of the wives busy with trips and baking items to send to us.

Your life will be very busy taking care of everything by your self. You will miss him and there will be some difficult times, Do not believe everything that you hear in the news, because they make allot of thing out to be much worse then they are. When you write him, make sure that you keep things positive, so that you do not get him worried about you having a hard time at home.

Your husband will be having his hands full. He will need to be able to stay focused on performing his mission as he was training. Any distraction can compromise the safety of his entire team. He should have time to write, and even place a call home once and a while.

I wish you and your family the best, and thank you for all that you do for this country.

Answer 8

My husband was deployed for 13 months with the Guard and my best advice is 1) stay busy 2) don't watch the news.

I went back to school full time and was working full time I was so busy that time went by real fast. There always be time that you will say "I will never make it " but just stay busy.

Don't watch the news! Remember if something happens you will know long before it is in the news so why torturing yourself?

I hope this can help a little.
Keep in touch
Julie

Answer 9

Army wife here....my husband and I are about to go through our 3rd deployment together. It isnt easy, but if you and your husband both work hard, you can come out on the other end with a stronger relationship. My husband make a CHOICE to grow closer together...just because the miles separate us doesnt mean we have to be distant in our hearts. Husband is able to log on fairly regularly, and if I leave home, I dont go far. My commitment during deployments is to HIM and making sure he has everything he needs, including my emotional support.

I also keep busy building care packages for him, and his battle buddy or roommate. Care packages are full of mission munchies, toys, movies, PSP games, hygiene items, etc. It is a little weekly piece of home. Letters, emails, pictures, webcams (when the connection is strong enough) are also a daily occurence.

It isnt easy, but by the end you will be a stronger person, and hopefully closer to your husband. Then you will be able to turn around and help other wives with great advice on getting through deployments. I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to email if you need more information or want to talk!

Answer 10

I am a military wife (13 yrs), been through 4 deployments so far. It is hard at times. You have to take each day as it comes. I have 5 children, so they keep me busy and sane (or insane depending, haha). You can get through this, there are many of us in the same boat as you. It makes it easier to find others that are going through the same situation. Try to remain strong for your husbands sake. It will make your husband feel a little better knowing that you will be okay while he's gone. It's one less thing weighing on his mind. You will know what is going on when the time comes for him to actually leave. My husband is leaving in May. We still don't know the exact day, where he is going, etc. If you have anymore questions, feel free to email me as well.