I am taking a semester off from college and my dad won't let me live at my apartment (we're paying the lease anyway) which is an hr away. He is very controlling-- he seldom lets me go out, makes up excuses for me not to see my boyfriend, and gives me stupid curfews even though I'm 21. He grounds me if I'm even 5 minutes late. He also takes his stress out on me by hitting me with the soft side of a golf club (enough to get a bruise) over stupid things like if I park my car in the wrong spot on our driveway. He and my mom used to fight a lot but they stopped when I left for college. Now that I'm home, our household is unsettling again. My mom used to intervene, but she's so scared of my dad that she now turns the other way when he loses his temper with me. She never yells at him, she yells at me because of making him angry or blames me for her non-terminal cancer, or blames me for screwing up everything. Why won't my dad let me live at my own apt? Why are my parents this way?
IDEAS??
2007-03-11 08:47:02 · 17 answers · asked by aMeNa_aCid* 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
In answer to your first question, I think your parents have some problems for sure, in particular your dad. Your mom sounds like she's in the victim role and of little help to you- you can't be HER mom. Do you have any source of income or any savings that they don't control, giving you the option to move to your own place (maybe sharing with a college friend)and pay for it if you get a job, graduating later but saner if need be? Seems like you could use some distance from them and being dependant on them for a place to live (your apt) means you are in a vulnerable spot. Living at home seems impossible. It's probably not a good idea to move in with your boyfriend only to get away from them, but maybe you could move in with an independent friend temporarily. Can you sit down with your dad in a calm moment and ask for reasons? Can you write him and your mom a letter, explaining that you need the semester off but you are serious about school, that you intend to work, but you are an adult and need to feel respected as one, that you worry distances will be created if they continue to act that way, that won't be breached later. I found writing to my folks a lot easier than talking to them when things got bad. Good luck.
2007-03-11 08:57:22 · answer #1 · answered by patricia r 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds as though your parents have a great deal of stress in their lives since one of them has an illness and, from what you've described, not the healthiest ways of relating in their marriage. Please know,I'm not making exscuses for any physical or emotional abuse that you've endured but rather just trying to explain what could be going on. Since you're taking the semester off from college, do you have a job? What about a job closer to campus/the apartment that you could pay or partially pay the rent. Not only would that give you freedom from the abuse, it would be indicative to your parents your ability to accept responsibility. If they're completely footing the bill for your school, your food, your livliehood, etc. then there is little you can do except live by the rules and be as non-confrontational as possible. If you choose to remain in the home, perhaps you could schedule a family meeting during a time when each of you can be calm and undistracted. Plan it with your parents a day or two in advance so each one can consider what's important, what's hurtful, and how each of you would hope this time together could be. Be sure and address them with gratitude for all they have done and are doing for you and maybe discuss some ways you could be helpful--say running errands or helping with your mom's health needs if there are any. I truly think you can acheive a peaceable kingdom here but acknowledge that it is very difficult to return to your home and house rules once you've been away. I sincerely wish you well.
2007-03-11 09:12:18 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey! Well your 21 so move out. it might be hard but live in the apartment until the lease is up and then pay for things on your own. What your dad is doing is not right, could be considered abuse. however at the age of 21 you are capable of leaving. I know with college and all you probably have like no money and moving out seems impossible but there are ways to make it work, and you will probably have to work to pay for things but it will be worth it. I could understand why your mom would be frightened to intervene, your dad doesn't sound like the nicedt friendliest person out there. Hang in there and get out of the house ASAP. your 21 so legally you can just leave.
2007-03-11 08:53:17 · answer #3 · answered by KT 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you're family is experiencing hard times. Mentally and Emotionally. I believe your family is holding a grudge against you for something you did at a younger age. You must have gotten yourself into a serious situation a while back and your family, especially your father is scared that it will re-occur. Combined this with your mother's non-terminal cancer, sounds like your parents are having a very hard time coping. They don't know how to deal with the stress and are living an unhappy life at this time. You need to sit down and talk to them. Tell them how you feel. The best thing you can do is be honest with them. If the abuse continues, I recommend moving out.
2007-03-11 09:08:17 · answer #4 · answered by Xboy360 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off if you are paying for the apt. then it is yours to stay in regardless of what your dad says. You are an adult. Are you dependent on your parents (financially for collage or other things). If so, since you go to collage there are many different loans you can get to where your parents won't be paying for any of it. It sounds like your father has some major anger issues. It is not appropriate for him to hit you with anything no matter what it is. Your mother sounds like she has totally given up on the whole situation including her marriage. Can you move away from them. Once again you are an adult, You are allowed you own decisions. Good luck
2007-03-11 08:58:38 · answer #5 · answered by jezz 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its hard to let you children go ,we love you ,there are so many thing that are going on in the streets and you don't have to be in the wrong ,there are some sick people in this world and will kill you for what you have ,what you don't have and just because so try and be a little understanding, so many of our children ,including our grown kids in the grave because somebody felt like hurting them, do you read the paper some many kids go to school mad because mom or dad told them to come straight home , some made it home some , well the parents never seen them again, when you kids leave out the door there is no guarantee we we see you again.Don't take that love from your parents ,you have plenty of time to get out on your own ,for some reason your parents don't think this is the time(Be safe,love your parents for caring
2007-03-11 09:00:20 · answer #6 · answered by elizabeth_davis28 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your father has serious mental health issues and his behavior is abusive. Inasmuch as he strikes you and causes bruising, that is battery (domestic violence) and is illegal.
Whether he is unique in this behavior or was the victim of it as a child is irrelevant. We all have the power to CHOOSE how we will behave.
You need to get law enforcement intervention before you are seriously injured. Some states have a Baker Act law (or something similar) where you can have law enforcement have your father evaluated for 3 days if he is a threat to someone or himself.
Your mother sounds like she has Stockholm Syndrome. Yeah, if you were in her shoes, it would be easier to yell at you and not suffer his wrath.
2007-03-11 08:57:29 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if you have enough money, I'd move away from your parents, without giving your dad the address. Look for another apartment, and move. If your Dad finds you with golf club in hand, call the police and get a restraining order.
2007-03-11 08:58:25 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may sound ludicrous, but maybe it's because your dad cannot accept the fact that his daughter is growing up into an adult?
Maybe he feels that by you living in your own apartment he finally has to say goodbye to the child he has brought up over these years - maybe he finds that hard?
It's just a thought but it may be true as my parents were like that too...
Try talking to him.... seriously. Sit down and make sure he listens to your side.
hope this helps.
2007-03-11 08:52:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Um...you are allowing him to do this. You are 21 yrs old. You are able to make your own decisions. Its your life. You have the power you have the control. You are allowed to take back what you gave to him. You are allowed to leave. What is he going to do call the police? They will laugh at him. You are able to call the police and show them your bruises. He will go to jail not you. And they will make him take anger management classes. Your mom, well, he has probably beat her as well. You can't get help for her, she has to want it herself, but you can get help for yourself!!!!!!!!! Do not be a victim....Stand up for your rights. I am not sure what country you live in, but that is how it is here in the USA.
2007-03-11 08:56:48 · answer #10 · answered by tetra_beck2000 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋