What Do You Think Of My Story?

Question

Based on a true story I DONT LIKE MY BROTHER!
Cold Water

My name is Sara Yates. Well had a brother until last year. His name was Max. He was 15. Max had dark brown hair that flipped out at the ends, blue eyes and he was very strong. I’m 12 and I have medium dark brown hair and brown eyes. You might say that we look like twins but I am adopted and so is he. His parents live in Minnesota but mine I don’t even know. My parents said I could look for them on my 18th birthday.
It all happened at the State meet at the University of Minnesota.
We were both on the YMCA Tidal Waves, I was the swimmer and he was the diver. Max was so excited to go off the high board. The high board is the highest board in the building, about forty-five feet high. I could never do that I can go off the 20 foot one but not the high board. I looked over to the divers, all girls. That’s probably why he wanted to be on the dive team, the girls.

Anyway saw him take off his sweatshirt to revile a six-pack that you wouldn’t believe. A girl went off the high board and messed up. “Wow,” I heard someone say. I knew they were talking about him. I turned around to see Alison Rinelie staring at my brother with her California teammates. Alison has long blond hair that seems to flow over her shoulders. Her blue eyes seem to burn into you as if she can see right through you. She is really thin and strong and very beautiful.





I walk up to her and say, ”You better be talking about the dive!” I shot her dirty look and walked over to where my brother was standing.
“Hey Max,” I say as I approach him.
“Sup?” he replies starting to stretch and looking at the divers.
“Be careful,” I say to him “ You have never done this before and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Me?” he says,” Come on Sara. I can do this don’t act like the girlfriend!”

That’s our little joke. He had a girlfriend who worried about every think he did. What he ate, what he said, what he did, what he saw, and what he wore. I made a face. We both laughed and I realized I was kind of acting like the girlfriend.
“Sorry, good luck,” I say and trot over to the lap pool.
As soon as I leave Alison walks up to me and puts her hands on her hips.
“What do you think your doing?” she said, ”I thought this pool was for only good swimmers.” Her friends laughed. I was about to slap that smile right off her face until I heard my coach yell,
“Yates! Get over here.” I searched the pool for him. My coaches name is Chuck Kendal has short spiky red hair and is farley young, twenties I think. He is really strong and could beat me in any event. He walks over to me with a towel in his hand. “Warm up,” he said throwing the towel towards me, “200 freestyle, 500 SKIPS, and 100 fly.”

I hate fly, its butterfly. It really hurts your arms and can take up a lot of energy. What is skips? Swim, Kick, IM (all the strokes), Pull, Swim, SKIPS. I take off my sweatshirt to show my body. All of a sudden I got really self-conscious. I folded my arms in front of my chest as a group of boys walk by. There is a spot to put my cloths on the chair I throw them there and quickly jump in.
My stomach really hurts. Like not the nervous hurt the something bad is going to happen. I was right. The second I finished the fly my brother was up on the high board. He looked nervous. He had already been in the water so he was drying off with the towel. When he was done he dropped it over the edge to the helper.
“MAX!” I scream, “Good luck!” he flashes me thumbs up and walked over to the edge. I think its really cool how the divers can stand on the edge by their toes. He stood at the edge backwards by his toes and jumped.

I watch in horror as his head hits the platform and he falls to the water and hits the surface with a sickening splat. I stood there paralyzed not knowing what to do and there is blood in the pool. Without thinking I dive in the pool. I can’t see a thing there is so much blood. Then I see his limp body on the bottom of the fifty-foot pool. I can’t get to him, I’m trying, I cant he is lying there. Dead.
I don’t come up for air I just float underwater. I have to breath I see that I’m at least 30 feet underwater. I kick so hard but my hand doesn’t break the surface. NO! I’m kicking and I finally break the surface. I just float in there treading water there is blood all around me.

The paramedics bring his body up a while later. I sit there in my brother’s sweatshirt taking in the sent of him. When they get him out of the water his face is pale and his skin is all wrinkly and bloody. I ignored my coach, the paramedics and my brother’s body. Alison walks up to me with a fake frown on and is about to say something.
I stand up and say, “Alison, You are such freak! I hate you it’s your fault!” But instead I just stood up and pushed her in the bloody pool. As I was walking to the locker rooms I could hear Alison. “She almost drowned me! I saw his ghost! He was reaching for me!”
The locker rooms were empty so I took a long shower. I got dressed really slow and took time to dry my hair. Max was always messing around with his hair, probably because of the girlfriend. The meet was called off because of an unexpected accident. It was moved to next Saturday. Max’s birthday.

Thats all i have. im 12 and my name is Kayleigh. you cam email me at [e-mail]

Answer 1

A very sad story about your brother. I am sorry about the accident and his death. God will get you and the family through this difficult time.

Answer 2

well it's a story incomplete and a lot going on in a short amount of time tho it's quite vivid actually, freaky, and certainly unfinished and unpolished, unedited. the relationships are questionable but they have personality..not completely developed, but what personality is developed is kind of 'dark' one might say.
one might think these kids would turn out to be serial killers and ate their victims. lol there is some potential to expand lots more detail. it's a decent rough draft. peace

Answer 3

You are a real professional, keep it up, I am waiting for the rest of the story.

Answer 4

hmmmmmmm. a lil sad.....