Can you tell me what you think of my story?

Question

Cold Water

My name is Sara Yates. I’m 12 and had a brother, Max who was 15. Well he was 15 until last year. Max had dark brown hair that flipped out at the ends, blue eyes and was very strong. I have medium dark brown hair and brown eyes. You might say that we look like twins but I am adopted and so is he. His parents live in Minnesota but mine I don’t even know. My parents said I could look for them on my 18th birthday.
It all happened at the State meet at the University of Minnesota.
We were both on the YMCA Tilde Waves, I was the swimmer and he was the diver. Max was so excited to go off the high board. The high board is the highest board in the building, about forty-five feet high. I could never do that I can go off the 20 foot one but not the high board. I looked over to the divers, all girls. That’s probably why he wanted to be on the dive team, the girls.

Anyway saw him take off his sweatshirt to revile a six-pack that you wouldn’t believe. “Wow,” I heard someone say. I knew they were talking about him. I turned around to see Alison Rinelie staring at my brother with her pack of evil California teammates. No, they are really evil, they have robes that have horns and devil tales on them and I can even see their red eyes. Alison has long blond hair that seems to flow over her shoulders. Her blue eyes seem to burn through you as if she can see right through me.
I walk up to her and say, ”You better be talking about the dive!” I shot her dirty look and walked over to where my brother was standing. “Hey Max,” I say as I approach him.
“Sup?” he replies starting to stretch and looking at the divers.
“Be careful,” I say to him “ You have never done this before and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Me?” he says,” Come on Sara it’s me. I can do this don’t act like a girlfriend!” That’s our little joke.

this is a story about were my brother dies and i am left alone and im swimming in the championchimp USA i live a hard life and make a world record. based on a true Story

Answer 1

It's very interesting
for a sec i thought you were going to slap the girl in the face or something(no offense though)
Also i thought for some reason that u had feelings for him

srry about that
im just being honest here
and i hope u dont have any feelings for your brother
srry for the things i said in the end
( you should have slapped her in the face though)
ok i think i should stop talking now

Answer 2

wow... interesting story. ummm... nothing is wrong wit it... i guess... but if your gonna give this in as a grade or something then take out the evil stuff about that girl. and add more details. but if your not and its just a story its fine. but i really don't get your question. and hopefully with the information i provided helped you. :) Good Luck!

Answer 3

Maybe cos both of u r adopted kids, u like him n u r jealous so u tends to b sensitive abt te incident. B truth 2 yourself. Gd luck.

Answer 4

'You sound like you have a crush on your brother', just in case this was a true story. I am not even sure it's ok to like your brother, even if adopted, this way.

But if it's a story you are writing, sounds interesting, needs a bit editing though.

Answer 5

lol, you can make any girls jealous good job.. i think? well the story is actually quite good, but do you like him or something? its kinda wrong if you do tho... WAIT IS IT A STORY?!?! or a real story of whats going on in your life now?

Answer 6

too much description in the first 4 sentences its like"he has and i have and he has" spread it out some

Answer 7

u sound like a gr8 author

Answer 8

ok?!? i am not following this. a very touching story i guess. lol.