Older siblings say I should pay 1/4 mom's funeral costs; I disagree?

Question

My mother passed away not long ago after a being ill for a long time. I'm an adult woman, & the youngest of 4 sibs. My sibs & I are in a dispute whether I'm responsible for funeral costs. They're much older than me and far better off financially. I feel my sibs turned their back on me when I was a teen & needed them desperately. My dad died when I was 15 & our mom was bi-polar. Times were hard for mom & I & the roles were reversed. I worked to buy the goceries & keep the lights on while my sibs, who were adults in their early 30's at the time were busy w/ their own lives. I contintued to contribute to support mom throughout my 20's even though she stole a credit crd fr me and ran up a huge debt. My sibs never helped me, although one is wealthy, & avoided what was really going on. I feel that I towed the line on my own in the past & they are much better off, they should takemy 1/4. It's not that I didn't love mom, it's just that my sibs were never there when we both needed them.

Answer 1

For me, a funeral is about the remembrance of the person who has passed away. It is not a time to battle with siblings. There's another time and place for that. I would pay my share of the costs. Not because my siblings felt I owed it to them, but because it was my way of honoring my mom.

Answer 2

Something you must remember is that it is not your sibilings fault that your dad died ,it is not there fault that your mom had to deal with her illness ,I truly understand your feelings of abandonment by your sibiling ,and also the role reversal of your teenage years ,however being that you had that role reversal makes you so much of a more independent person ,knowing what was important at the time and doing what you had to do ,you can't hold your sibiling responsible for the faults of your mom .As far as the cost of the funeral if you can pay it do it and be done and know that your job as a caretaker is truly over and now you can focus on you . If you are unable to pay it ,then tell them ,don't bring up the past ,they will just shut you out ,and band together and it will be 3 against 1, tell them very honestly look i do not have it to pay ,finacially i can not do it ,even if you have to pull out bank statements to prove it .They are dealing with thier own guilt and sorrow ,either for the lack of care they gave ,or time spent ,if your mom was as sick as you said and they had kids at that time i can understand why they didn't come around , it is truly sad that you sibs didn't help provide what was needed ,for you and your mom ,emotionally ,physically and finacially , but the best way to start is to just finish what needs to be done with the passing of your mom and work on yourself . Don't create a strife between your sibs ,because you feel you've done your share . In the end it will be you who has the peace and not them . You will know you did eveything possible for your mom and they will still be liveing with the guilt

Answer 3

If she was ill for a long time didn't she have some life insurance to cover funeral costs? No executor? This isn't about bringing up the past and holding grudges. Being responsbile means you take care of family members during various stages of life when they need your help.

Your mother's funeral is really not the time to be focusing on things that have happened in the past. In Buddhism, we say, "What does it further? What good can come from it?"

This is not about bad blood among family members it's about doing the right thing to the best of your ability. It doesn't matter who makes the most money. It *does* matter who makes the least amount of money if there are others who can pay.

If you honestly cannot afford to pay, explain this to them in detail. Maybe offer to pay for a new headstone or something in the future should you have the money. I'm a bit torn on this issue because I feel like you have a responsibility to be contributing something no matter how small it may be.

On the other hand, they have their own responsibility to contribute financially but they also have some responsibility to you and looking out for what's in your best interest.

If this is really just about them having more money so they should pay, I disagree with you. Your mother took care of all of you the best she could. You have to take care of her the best you can.

Answer 4

HI Honey, I am sorry your having a hard time with your siblings! and the death of you mum.
I have been in a similar situation although I am the eldest and looked after my mother and grandmother through sickness.
Yes it's your mum and I am sure you loved her and I am sure she loved you very much in her own way even though she couldn't always be there for you. I think that because your sibs are that much older they should really be taking on the financial responsibility. Of course they can ask you and it would be your right really to say no. Death always brings out family squabbles (Been there done that! :-) sometimes the older people turn into 5 year olds! I think If you can responsibly and financially pay some toward the funeral then go for it. But DO NOT put your self at risk financially or get your self into debt. They are mush older than you and therefore need be adults in this. I have partly raised my younger sister who is now 18 and i am 24 and Know how hard it is to have to deal with things when older wiser people can not help or refuse to.
Perhaps get some advise if you can about where you stand legally and see if you can talk so a friend or someone you trust say a work friend or college teacher. My heart goes out to you. Money death and family squabbles always go hand in hand. It seems when you need your family the most after a death that's the one time things really fall apart. Maybe try to talk you your siblings one on one or in a neutral place and see if they will listen. If you feel you want to or can contribute to the funeral then do so but at a rate that you can afford. or perhaps pay for the flowers or volunteer yourself, instead of the money. Either way I think you do need to talk to your siblings and they really should be taking the brunt of the cost as they r obviously much older. I hope you work things out ! Much sympathy and love to you! xx

Answer 5

I think you are mixing up two seperate issues here unnecesarily. You paying 1/4 should have nothing to do with what your siblings think is right, you should probably pay 1/4 just because you are 1/4 of the kids. This would solve the problem and allow a relationship with your siblings for the future although it doesn't sound like there is much there anyway. But they will always hold that against you if you don't from the way it sounds. Personally, I wouldn't ask you to help if I was able to do it myself, but from what you typed that is not the mindset of these people. Doesn't sound good.

Answer 6

A little over a year ago my Mother passed away.There wasn't allot of insurance to pay the bills for the funeral.At the time i was in the prosess of bying a new house and trying to get my life in order.My Father is retierd and my Sister dosen't help with things unless she will bennifit from it.Her husband makes 3 times the ammount of money that I do and he also had gotten a big inheratance when his Father passed.I loved my Mother with all of my heart and when my Dad told me that he couldn't pay for the funeral I went to the bank ant withdrew the money I was saving for the closing on my home,I left the bank and went and payed the bill for my Dad.I didn't do it because I felt I had to I just figured that he would have done it for me.I had lived with my parents for 2 years nursed my Mother untill she took her last breath,she never spent 1 day in a nursing home.I also payed all the bills at thier house,remodled it for her and worked 12 hour days at the mill where I work .My grilfriend helped allot when I was at work and I also payed her wages to stay with my Mom.I ended up not getting the house I wanted to buy because I did all of this.Everything went to my sister she has the house i rebuilt and all of my Mothers belingings.I was crushed.I had serious problems.I guess my point is do it for her not them she knew you were the one thier for her.You will feel better knowing that you were the one who took care of her.I know how you feel I was in a simmular situation.I loved my Mother and I did it to honor her not for anything else.Make peace with yourself and do what you kneed to.If you don't help you may feel guilty .I am sorry for your loss and I hope you find peace within.Don't hold grudges life is to short.You will be in my prayers as well as your family.

Answer 7

Just because your siblings have more money they should not pay more. But since you paid money to support mom while alive. I think you should take the 1/4 price they want you to pay and subtract the money you gave to your mom to support her and then just pay the balance if any. Sounds fair to me. The fact is as long as you don't sign anything you don't really owe anything. Besides, who made all the decisions on the funeral? Did you have a say? If she has any assets, why isn't her funeral being paid out of them?

Answer 8

Really proud about u. Your sibs would have same future as what they sow to ya mom. It is not necessary tat u mus give 1/4 cost for ya mom's funeral. If ya financial is gud u contribute else not a a problem. They mus b heartless creatures n not humans to ask money from u wen they are well off.

Answer 9

I suspect that there are two issues here. One is the allocation of the funeral expenses. If there are 4 children, then the equal share is 1/4 of the funeral costs. The second issue involves the relationship between your, your mother and your siblings during your mother's life. I would not expect that to change. Your siblings are not likely to change their relationship with you. I understand that to you this is not perhaps fair. If you can, pay your share and begin to heal.

Answer 10

Well the way I see it is. You can either shove all those years that you did that down there throats like a little kid would or you can be mature and pay. No it is not fair that you went though all that and had to do all that but you did it because you loved her did you not? Maybe you can come to a deal with your siblings they pay and you deal with the arrangements. But I think you all should chip in that's in the past let it go and move on.

Answer 11

What a tough situation. If it was ME...I believe I would just make arrangements to pay the 25% and focus on the satisfaction that you get from KNOWING that you did what you could while mom was alive and also upon her death. I hope that time will bring at least some of your siblings and yourself into a comfortable place with each other. Good Luck.