-Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
-I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.
-I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
-Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
-Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-I live on a one-way dead-end street.
-I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
-When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!
-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
-The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.
-Just remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
-When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!
-I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
-I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!
-Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't!
-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
-I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
-One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
-The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
-A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
-I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
-I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
-She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
-Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after!
-If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
-I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
-Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
-You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, you have a cat?" Wouldn't you like to say, "No, it's for my company!"
-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
-Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
-In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
-If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
2007-03-10 20:14:18 · 16 answers · asked by Todd 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Love these ones, too!
2007-03-10 20:38:12 · answer #1 · answered by Laurel W 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This poem forces my mouth to water.... So the next time I'm hangin' at Bocca di Bacco Berlin’s hippest Italian restaurant I'll remember a horse with no name and your aim when ordering my Bresaola di Cavallo (horsemeat with salad and nuts).
2016-03-28 23:56:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
they were all pretty good but i'm still confused about the last one. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.....
still wondering what it means..I'ma bit slow on that one.
I liked the one about stress the best....Good job, you gave me a laugh.Thanks!
2007-03-18 09:27:03 · answer #3 · answered by Digz 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Some good ones.
2007-03-17 06:45:59 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most of these I've seen on T-shirts, like"50,000 women battered, and i still eat mine plain".....LOL
WTG mate!!!!!! Cheers!!
2007-03-15 19:20:58 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
that is all very true but still funny 10/10
2007-03-10 22:53:33 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
-If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
nice, keep up the work. these are funny.
2007-03-10 20:44:32 · answer #7 · answered by The Crazy B!tch 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I will do thank very good advise.
2007-03-10 20:43:16 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
good one
2007-03-18 20:23:54 · answer #9 · answered by dianemelloniemarlenejerryginder 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
good one lol and soooooooo true
2007-03-17 22:14:42 · answer #10 · answered by Mel 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋