Is it wrong for me to want to give up?

Question

I'v had 3 first trimester miscarriages and 1 loss at 21 weeks where I gave birth to a daughter who had died because my water broke too soon. Doctors and specialists that I have seen over the years keep telling me after doing all these tests on me and my husband that they can see nothing wrong and that it's just "bad luck", They think that I could just keep trying but that they have no guarantee and they have no clue as to why my body keeps aborting these poor babies. I have no more strength to go on. I am almost 40 and I don't have time to play around with so I know that I would have to just keep trying to get pregnant but right now I don't think I can go through another loss. I got so sick while pregnant each time and had to stop working each time, and I honestly don't think I can go through it again. Adoption is not a valid suggestion anymore. I can't go through another loss. Is it wrong for me to just want to give up on being a parent and just try to be happy without a child?

Answer 1

Of course it is not wrong to want to give up.

With that said though, it sounds like you have spent several years of heartbreak and stress attempting to have a child.You qould not have done that if you didn't have a strong desire to be a mother.

If you have any doubts at all, my suggestion would be to spend a period of time, perhaps 6 months, exploring the joys of NOT having children. Go on romantic weekend getaways, go out for fancy dinners, sleep as late as you want on the weekends, and reconnect with your partner in a loving, joyful way instead of through grief and tragedy. Use some type of pregnancy prevention during this time and give yourselves this time to heal.

After that time period, sit down together and talk about your feelings. It may be that you feel renewed enough to try again. You may choose not to try again. But the goal of this time is that if you do choose not to try again, it will feel like "a choice", not like "giving up". That's when you'll know it is a healthy decision made at the right time for the right reasons.

If you still feel like you don't want to be pregnant but that you still feel a void in your life, you may be more ready to explore other options. Adoption, foster care, mentoring through Big Brother/Big Sister or other organizations, becoming a guardian ad litim, volunteering for shelters for women and children...there are many healthy, satisfying ways to channel your need to nurture. You just need to find the one thats right for you.

As for not having "time to play around with", women are having children deep into their forties and beyond. You aren't even forty yet. Don't let the fear that you are running out of time be the primary consideration. Just as it should feel like a choice to not get pregnant, it should be a choice to try to conceive also. Not desperation.

If you choose to try to become pregnant, make an appointment with a perinatologist, a doctor that specializes in high risk pregnancies. If possible, do this before you start trying again. have them look at your medical records and history and evaluate whether or not you would be a candidate for a cervical cerclage, which is a procedure where they stitch the cervix closed during the early part of your pregnancy if they think the problem is that your cervix just isn't strong enough to hold the baby in. They can also test for the presence of some bacteria that can normally be present in your body but that also increase the risk for pregnancy loss. They can test for many things that contribute to pregnancy loss, many of which are treatable. And if you haven't already had these tests done, I would also strongly urge you to get a referral from the perinatologist for another OB/GYN doctor to handle your pregnancy while the perinatologist is available to consult as needed.

The most important thing is to make an informed, educated decision based on what you and your partner really want. First step is to heal enough emotionally to be able to make that decision.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 2

I'm thinking that maybe artificial insemination would be an option. Maybe your lifestyle and/or daily activities is what is causing the miscarriages. You don't mention why adoption isn't valid. Why have you decided to wait until you were almost 40 to start? I believe that having the baby outside of your body in a lab would not only produce desireable effects, also considering your age maybe your body won't be able to "bounce back" from the stresses labor would put you through. I am 27 and I have three children: a 6 year old, a 3 year old and a 6 month old. My wife's only saving grace is that she is 25 and still has time to get back in shape. It's been hard on her even though she is young.

Answer 3

Its not wrong of you to feel this way at all. You should sit down with the husband and talk with him about it. Maybe you could try IVF?

If you do try or do IVF i wish you the best of luck. this must be very hard for you to go threw. (if you believe in this) you could pray to your four beautiful angels and they will help do whats best for their mommy. There are many people who have been told they cant have babies and then have ended up having babies. My friend was told she wasnt able to have a baby and so was her husband she had 5 miscarriages then got pregnant threw IVF and now she has a 2 1/2 yr old son and is 28 weeks pregnant with a little girl (they concieved naturally this time) so who knows, if you feel there is still some hope then dont ignore it because if you do become pregnant your doctors will take very good care of you, you will be concidered high risk but you will have more ultrasounds, and probably non-stress tests as you get further along, once or twice a week just sitting there listening to his/her heart beat sounds nice right? I dont want to get your hopes up but THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE if you want to try then go for it. ---sorry its so long but i really hope everything works out for you!!! =D

Answer 4

I certainly do not want to steal any hope from a person who is clearly deserving to be a parent, just for trying so hard if nothing else. I'll bet that as soon as you stop trying, you'll get pregnant and everything will be ok. I think that, especially at this point, stress is a factor for you. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to worry so much. When you stop your period next time, just think of it as menopause. That will take some of the stress away.

Recently there was a baby born and survived at 22 weeks. I don't know if this is encouraging to you, but I am certainly not intending to discourage you with this story. I believe some of the things that they say about the medical issues a baby born so early could develop. But something they don't mention in the story is that damaged brain and nerve cells of a child under the age of two can be repaired/regenerated as if nothing ever happened. I copied a link to the story below.

Answer 5

You are not wrong to want to give up. You and your husband have been through some horrific experiences and, I for one feel such sympathy for you both. My wife and I had a 1st trimester missacarriage and, that was the worst thing we've ever had to deal with.

You seem like a very loving, caring woman so I would say to you, be thankful for your marriage and everything else you have in your life. You and your husband did everything you could to expand your family but, it was not to be. Unfortunately, age does play a factor so, trying again very well may produce the same results.

I wish you and your husband as much happiness in the world as you can have together and, I encourage you to do what you can to move on from your experiences and enjoy the love that you share as a wife.

Answer 6

Why would it be wrong for you to give up at this point? Once you hit 35 you start having problems with old eggs too. There is a higher chance of birth defects as women get older. You don't need to feel bad about giving up. Why is adoption out? You could adopt an older child that would give anything in the world to have a loving parent or two. Babies aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Its not wrong. You have to do what's best for you and your husband. It maybe that it just isn't your time yet. I would never giver up hope, but I think you should be happy with or without a child. You never know, the moment you start being happy with yourself and your hubby, could be the moment that God blesses you with a child (by adoption or pregnancy).

Answer 9

This is truely a tough one. Have you given your body time to heal? Going through miscarriage after miscarriage is extemely tough on you and your body. Your body needs time to heal and I now you've said time isn't on your side. Your desicion to feel like wanting to give up isn't wrong. You've been through quiet the ordeal. Not only does your body need time to heal so do you . Believe me if you don't want to do this anymore than don't and forgive yourself for feeling like you do. Your not wrong. Your human. Good Luck

Answer 10

No its not wrong for you to give up , i know hard it is to turn your back on parenthood that you have strived for , for so long. If it any help, i have an almost identical story to yours and went on to conceive a healthy baby girl, but only after we had decided to stop trying!! Fate will decide lol