Things one should remember,can you think of any others?

Question

-Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

-I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

-I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

-If you run out of sick days, call in dead.

-Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

-Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

-I live on a one-way dead-end street.

-I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

-When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

-If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything!

-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

-If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

-The tongue weighs practically nothing, But so few people can hold it.

-Just remember . . . if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

-When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

-I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

-I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!

-Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't!

-If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

-I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

-One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

-The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

-A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

-I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

-I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

-She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

-Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after!

-If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

-I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

-Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

-You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, you have a cat?" Wouldn't you like to say, "No, it's for my company!"

-If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

-Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

-In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

-If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

Answer 1

-I'd win the wet tee-shirt contest if they left me wear it around my knee caps

-What do men call foreplay; a half hour of begging

-What is a man's idea of a seven course dinner; a ring bologna and a six-pack

-Confusus say; man who screw girl on hill, not on level

-If your in a car that's traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

-Men are only good for one thing and when the kid are old enough they'll take the trash out for them

-What's the difference between and English and a Scot Ballad? One sing's 'Hey, you get off of my cloud' and the other sings 'Hey, McCloud get off of my Ewe'

Thanks for the laughs----party on!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 2

If you get stopped by the police do not tell him to hold your beer while you get your registration out.....LOL....love all the quotes.
If you get stopped for speeding and the cop takes his time giving you the ticket, do not tell him to hurry because there was a reason why you were speeding in the first place.

If your a man and you have to stop and take a pee do not do it against the wind.

If you are blind why do you need to turn the light switch on .

If you are a different nationality than white and your getting ready for a halloween party by wearing a long white robe and a pointed hood , make sure that everyone else at the party is not wearing the same costume.

Those are just a few that I can remember..lol hope you get more.

Answer 3

If you buy cheap, you get cheap; buy right, buy once.

If only men could be as satisfying as chocolate.

I thought I was wrong once; but I was mistaken.

I finally got my sh*t together, now, If I could figure out where the f**k I put it.

I have Chronic CRS: Can't remember Sh*t

I also have the companion condition, CFS: Can't find sh*t

I am not a moron, the restaurant slipped me a bozo berry muffin this morning, looks just like blueberry, 'til you eat it!

If men didn't make such great pets, they'd be useless

They finally found an employee who could do twice the work of one man: A woman.

Marry late, marry young. Oh, what a revelation it's been!

I'm not as think as you drink I am.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?

I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now.
...

Answer 4

Aloha from Down Unda!

Jest hadda say, "If ya need me, I'll call ya!"

Best wishes ~

K-den, M1/NSWMoke aka [e-mail] aka
Dorfus :O)) Chucklenose aka [e-mail]

Answer 5

Why, yes I am watching my weight.
And it's getting easier to see by the minute!

No. I don't know why you pulled me over officer. If YOU don't know then why did you bother to do it?

Answer 6

Excellent! Certainly made me smile.

Answer 7

How about ... Of all the things that I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Answer 8

Don't do something today that you can easily do tomorrow or the day after.

Answer 9

Take the road less travelled, it's more scenic.
Don't drink and drive, you might spill your drink.

Answer 10

Thats cheered me up