My dad has cancer, is it wrong for me to be tired of fighting?

Question

I understand that its really him fighting it and not me, but we have been doing this for 2 years now, dont get me wrong I DONT want him to give up, its just that this is all getting to me. Im so tired of the same thing over and over, rushing to the hosp in the middle of the night becuase of high fever that they cant expalin. His cancer has spread now and they basicly told us there is nothing they can do, they can give more kemo but eventualy the cancer will out smart the treatment.

I know if I feel this way, I cant even imagine what he is going through, but i feel guilty because im so tired of everything, not to mention im exhaused Im 4 months pregnant and that also takes a toll on me. I worry that he wont be here to see his first grandchild. I think basicly its just the stress thats getting to me. That and the guilt. Does anyone have any suggestion, or have had a similar experence? thanks in advace. This is just such a hard time.

Panda-

I dont know if you will even come back to look at this questions agan but your a *****- I dont want Pitty and I am and Will always fight for my Dad I wonder if you really have had sick family because if you have never went though anything like this you wouldnt know how i feel. I also know why you dont let ppl contact you by email because you would be bombarded with hate email. But i guess we all have to realize there are people like you in the world who are uncaring. So take your opinion and stuff it up your fat ***. My dad is the most important person in my life and I have been fighting for him for 2 years and I have been here the whole time, If that is not comitment for you then what is and dont even referr that i wont be a good mother you peice of ****.

Answer 1

my mother in law has cancer. 2 1/2 years ago they gave her 6 months to live. she said she didnt want to die all weak from chemo, and wouldnt do it. we had a family meeting and all decided that we would treat her as if we never heard of the cancer. she took the same stance. we all believe that the more stress and control we give the cancer, the more it takes out of her. she is quite healthy and happy and not being overcome by a cancer that they swore would kill her right away. we know one day it will win, but make a huge effort to not let it become her life until the end. if we all worried about it and talked about it all the time, it would win. the power of the human spirit is amazing. i think she wills herself to live and beats the cancer. im sorry you are going through this. if you need someone to talk to, you can email me.

Answer 2

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Cancer is a terrible thing to go through, even as a family member of someone who has cancer. The way you feel is not wrong. Two years is a long time to have to deal with such a terrible illness, and all the emotions that come along with it. Add to that the emotional roller-coaster of being pregnant, and it is no wonder that you are tired. For your own sake, look around to find cancer support groups in your area. Sometimes it helps a lot just to know that you are not the only one in your situation. The people in support groups know exactly what you are going through, and are there to listen to you and be there for you when you need someone.

As far as your dad is concerned, just make sure that he knows he is loved. If he's not too sick, maybe plan some father-daughter days where the two of you spend time together and agree not to talk about his cancer, but just enjoy your time together. If he is too sick, maybe just try renting some movies to watch together, or play games together. Do what you can to focus your attention on your dad, and not his cancer.

Try not to feel so guilty. You sound like a good daughter, and I'm sure that your dad knows that as well. I'm also sure that he understands that his cancer takes an emotional toll on his family. It's not a crime to need a little bit of a break from something that is so emotionally taxing.

Answer 3

I know just how you feel. My dad past away 4yrs. He had lung cancer. He lived 6mos. after being diagnosed. During that time, my mom and I would stay up every night with him. I hated watching him have to go through chemo. When he felt good it was time for more treatments. He was never the same,loosing weight, hair loss, everything that goes with it. I felt like I was being selfish by wanting him to live, knowing that he wasn't getting any better. I would pray that God would give him the peace that he deserves. Because he wasn't really living, nor was happy. I do not thank you need to feel guilty by no means. You are extremely stressed and I can tell you it's not going to get better. I'm sorry to say that but I have been through this and I still can't let my dad go. Although your dad my leave you, he will be with you in spirit, and you can always tell your baby about what a wonderful person their granddad was and how much he looked forward to seeing him or her. I will pray for you and your family.

Answer 4

I can totally see where you're coming from. Like the first response said, go on a vacation. Nothing too major, just go on a getaway for the weekend or even a week and try to put all of that out of your head. Just look at it like this: It will all be over sometime in the future. Just get yourself through these next few parts and it will all be over. Try to spend some time with your dad, just don't bring up cancer or anything. Try to look at this with another perspective because in five months, you're going to be stressed with your baby and I know that you don't want to have even more with your dad. Take it easy for a while and take a break.

Answer 5

Your boyfriend is out of line on this one. There is nothing wrong with your Dad coming over to spend the morning and watch the kids open gifts. I no longer have parents or in laws on this earth to come and participate during holidays and any other time; and only wish that I did. Please tell you boyfriend that he should respect your Dad's wishes first. You do not need the stress over all of this, and your boyfriend needs to understand this. Take a deep breath, think calm thoughts and have a Merry Christmas.

Answer 6

Whenever you start feeling tired of everything just remember that it is your father who gave you life . . it is your father who was there for you when you were an infant and depended entirely upon your parents to care for you. Don't you think at some point they may have felt the same way about taking care of an infant? And, now you are pregnant . . when it becomes really tough taking care of your newborn are you going to start feeling like giving up? This is not a good sign . . and, no I am not going to let you off the hook by saying that feeling this way is alright. It is not alright, because it is a sign of defeat.

Whatever you do do not let your father know that this is the way you feel. Take some time to yourself, rethink everything through . . if you cannot support your father emotionally 100% no matter what happens, than you should not be around him. He needs an army of loyal subjects who will fight with him . . the last thing that he needs is to hear how inconvenient it is for you to have him sick.

Your father needs strength to live and strength to pass from this world. He does not need pity or people around him wishing he would hurry up and die.

No one said that life would be easy. I feel sorry for your family.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear about your Dad and yes it is normal to wanting to give up. This all has put a strain on you physically and emotionally and the fight will soon be over. It's a shame and unfair that this is happening to you, but you have to realize that he probably wil not see his grandchild. A sad thing, you need to be strong without the guilt and think about your health and the baby. Just be there for him and pray that in the end it goes quickly because the pain will be too much for him.
A friend of mine just lost his father after months of pain and living 350 km away, making the trip every weekend just to see his father in pain and not being able to do something.
Its a sad situation. You will get through this. Start looking forward to your baby and think happier thoughts because it needs it.

Answer 8

Hi I'm sorry to hear about what your going through... my dad passed away 4 years ago from stomach cancer. He was at stage 4 and doing leukemia.. but the tumour just would stop advancing... till he had to go for an operation. after the operation his health seriously deteriorated. I know that khemo probably took out most of his weight but the surgery was the final hammer.

I was with him everyday for three months in the hospital (i think). I was depressed tired and irritble. I felt things were unfair. I felt really responsible and guilty for the ill will I had for the situation. it sucked

I then decided to take time out for myself and go out of the hospital once in a while, meet up with friends... gripe every now and then.. recuperate then come back and fulfil responsibility.

In your case I would suggest taking time out and taking care of your pregnancy. thats priority. Have to take care of 'u' before 'u' can take care of dad. contrived as it may sound its the truth.

don't feel bad about needing distractions. In fact... enjoy them to the uptmost, maybe even indulge (just kidding)

I have no idea what you must be going through but I want to assure you that everything will be better once you address your needs also. His illness is not your responsibility get other members of the family involved and if thats not possible gripe to your dad and explain to him that you love him but hey your pregnant and you need time out.... don't want to be over-stressed and affect the baby...

Hope I helped... I can pray..

Joe

Answer 9

No, you're not wrong to be tired of fighting and you're not a bad person for it. I see situations like the one you're describing somewhat frequently (unfortunately) and advanced cancer like you're describing is hard on everyone, it's hard on the patient, it's hard on the family, and it's even hard on the doctors, and for much the same reason, it's hard to watch someone die in front of you, especially someone you care about, and not be able to do anything about it.
You're grieving now, whether you know it or not, and that is an awful, painful, exhausting process, and that's normal. You're not unusual in the way you feel, and you're not alone - probably the rest of your family and even your father is feeling much the same.
There's nothing that will change the fact that he has a terrible disease that will lead to his death, but that doesn't mean there isn't anything that you can do at all. It sounds like you've been doing everything you can to support him, and that's great, but when you're at your limit, you're at your limit, you may need to step back and have a bit of time to yourself, and that's fine too, many people who are dying and most afraid of becoming a burden on their loved ones (often they say that this fear is worse than the fear of pain or of death itself) so it's something that even the patient himself understands.
The bottom line is, it's an awful situation, and it's going to make everyone involved feel awful, that's normal. Do your best to be as supportive as you can, but don't do more than that, when it starts to take a toll on you as well, remember that you have to take care of yourself before you can help others, and don't feel guilty about it.

Answer 10

Katy, have you ever heard of falsely assumed guilt? Please accept the fact that you did not cause your father to have cancer despite the fact you are the current Don Quixote jousting at windmills. The human mind and the human body have certain limitations and there are only so many pounds of conflict and grief one can endure whether or not you bend in acceptance or resist in denial.
I lost my mother to the insidious pancreatic cancer right at the time of the discovery of Interferon and don't think I was not briefly bouyed with false hope and crashed and burned because the treatment was not applicable to her dx (diagnosis) or progress of the disease. Gawd, even to this day I retain resentment, although passing years have blurred the bulk of my emotional reactivity. Do not blame yourself for random distribution of diseases larger than life which pepper the human race, as such cancers of the mind assault the cancer-free just as readily as mutant genes attack your dad. It must be okay to tire of the fight, Katy, as I did and twenty years later I can respond to your question and have not as yet been struck down by false guilt or vengeful gods. What else can we do, we cannot prevent the outcome.
Technically speaking, your dad's cancer has "metasticized" or in English has spread to other areas and there is not a damn thing you or I can do about it despite our anger.
My mother refused chemo and registered herself as "no code, DNR (do not resuscitate) when she had to go to a hospital to die. Pancreatic is a fast-acting assassin and the victims die within months rather than years after initial dx.
Please think of your future child as a chronicleer of your dad's love and history as he/she will carry his genes as well as your own and will be the latest sum of your entire family. Dad will see the child from Heaven if that is your belief, and I will expect a report from you when he/she takes the first step as life goes on. Your father certainly knows the legend of Pandora's Box and you can bet he will send a cosmic grin when you become a mother. Maybe you would like to middle name your girlchild Pandora or Pan if a boy just to remind yourself that you have your father's eyes and all his other good wishes.