I am the baby of the family and every since I can remember they have treated me as such. Now I am 28 years, married, with a step-son and daugther and they still feel like they can still talk to me any way they want and disrespect the decisions my husband and I make regarding "my daughter". Not only that but, whenever I have a ligitimate gripe about something and I make them aware of it they just seem to over talk me and never seem to care what I was saying. My husband suggested that we distance ourselves from them until they can respect us. I feel bad about them not being able to see their grandchild and their niece. What should I do?
2007-03-10 14:43:36 · 7 answers · asked by Nubian_Princess 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Don't feel bad because you don't call often or visit, just make sure to show up for special family functions like the holidays and invite them to your daughter's birthdays, but by all means, walk your own line and run your own life.
2007-03-10 14:47:45 · answer #1 · answered by lxl_serendipity_lxl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Mutual respect is the basis for any healthy adult relationship.
I have recently been helping a friend with this issue. Have been in a similar situation myself and I feel very strongly about it.
Your parents and sister have no business overruling your decisions for your children. i'm sure they are not doing it to spite you. It's just the habit of having bossed you around when you were younger that they are still continuing.
Your husband is right in saying that there needs to be a distance AND some boundries drawn. Don't cut them off completly at one shot. That's not fair on them or your kids.
First step is stating your independence. Don't call for advice, help in babysitting or a shoulder to cry on.
If you do a weekend meal together as a family, excuse yourselves one weekend in the month to do your own thing with your husband and kids.
If you have a 'legit gripe' don't go to them with it. The more you discuss it with them, they are getting more ingrained into your life.
Simply state your decision and say 'No' when they try to override it. Tell them they cannot spend time with the children if they continue as they do. (don't say this to them in front of the kids though) Don't ever get into an argument with them. You don't owe them any explanation on your decisions for your kids.
Let me know if any of this makes sense. If it does then I can share a little more with you. Please remember that the objective is to gain respect and not to hurt your parents or Sis. Bossy or not, they love you.
2007-03-11 00:45:50 · answer #2 · answered by pj_12_75 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're old enough to take care of yourself.
You also REALLY need to be a good role-model to your children, who are watching and "modelling" all your behavior with your relatives. If you can't deal with relatives sanely, they won't have to skills to, either.
So take charge of your power and status. You have a lot of it as a Mom. The key is not to let others control the level of the conversation, visit, dinner, whatever event is.
To stop being a doormat for your relatives, you must get up off the floor. If they treat you disrespectfully in conversation, change the subject politely. Let them see (and hear) that they can't control you as if you were a child, because you're no longer a child. Act as an adult---have opinions, make decisions, and be confident.
2007-03-10 22:56:27 · answer #3 · answered by papyrusbtl 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even though it hurts both you and your family,sometimes it's necessary to put some distance between us and our family members in order to get them to realize that you are a person who's worthy of being respected and you deserve for them to show respect for your beliefs and your ways of dealing with your children and husband. You must show them that you are a grown person and you won't be treated like a child any longer.
2007-03-10 23:42:18 · answer #4 · answered by Diana W 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with your husband. Your family is choosing the behavior they exhibit toward you. Make it clear to them that you don't want your kids to be exposed to their shabby treatment of you.
One way of preventing problems is to meet them in a public place, like a restaurant. It makes for a short (sweet?) visit, and you can come up with a good excuse to leave early, if necessary.
2007-03-10 23:08:48 · answer #5 · answered by boogeywoogy 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
distancing yourself isnt wrong but being to distant is good either. you need to realize that you are grown and have a family all your own now, your mother cant make your desicions for you only you and your husband can do that
2007-03-10 22:56:24 · answer #6 · answered by hermsgirl6503 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
talk to them about it. if u do distance urself from them and ur parents pass away u will feel guilty for not having spent time with them
2007-03-10 23:18:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋