i need some funny jokes...?

Question

i like to tell jokes to my brother and my friends but i have run out of them!
and please don't use the "i ate mop who joke"
that has been going around, or i will deduct points from you!!!

and if it is nasty,
i will deduct points and report you!!

Answer 1

i have blonde jokes!
Blonde LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"



SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"



RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,

"How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."



AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left cheek and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."



KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



BLONDE ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"



IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"



THE BLONDE JOKE TO END

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

from, your newest friend!

Answer 2

ummm..yeah here's a good one!!
A furniture company sent this letter about an outstanding account:Dear Mr.Roberts, what would your neighbours think if we had to send a truck out to your house to repossess your furniture because you have not met your payments?
Mr.Roberts replied:I have discussed the matterwith my neighbours.They say it would be a mean-lowdown dirty trick.!!

heres another one-
Steve went for an interview..this is how he made it--
Interviewer: Give me the opposite for Made in India
Steve:Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer:Keep It Up
Steve:Put it down
Interviewer:Maximum
Steve:Minidad
Interviewer:Enough!Take your seat
Steve:Dont take my seat
Interviewer:Idiot! take your seat!
Steve:Clever! Dont take my seat
Interviewer:I SAY YOU GET OUT!!
Steve: You dint say i come in
Interviewer:I reject you
Steve:You appoint me
Interviewer:.....!!!!!!!!!!!

heres another one-
In a political debate, one minister said:I know whose tune you dance to!!
Opposition said:Why are you dragging my wife into the debate??

For more jokes, log on to www.yahooligans.com

Answer 3

a littel boy asks his teacher if he can go to the bathroom.He has to take a dump.{crap}But their is no toilet paper.he wipes with his hand and comes back to class. his hands r closed so it looks like he is holding somthing."Jonhy, whats in your hand?" he thinks for a minute." a lepercahun" "Tell me what ur holding" yelled the teacher " I cant! He'll get scared and disapear"Said Jonhy. the teacher sends him to the office and talks to the princible." Jonhy, open tell me whats in ur hand!" he screams. " a leperchaun" said Jonhy. tell me now! " I cant he'll get scared and disapear." "Dont make me call ur parents" "O.K." Jonhy says. opens his hands and says" look, u scared the crap out of him!!!!!!"

Answer 4

Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?

The washing machine wont follow you around for a week after you drop a load in it

Answer 5

Try.
www.riddlenut.com
It's a great site for riddles & jokes.
They're hilarious!