how do i love my boys equally? I need to bond?

Question

i have 2 boys, 3 and 5.
When my older one was born, i never bonded with him. I know it sounds horrible, but i offten wish i'd have had an abortion (and i don't believe in abortions, i was adopted).
When I got pregnant with my 3year old, i loved him instantly, from the moment i did the test.
It came so naturel...
Now, my 5 year old is trying so hard to get my love on a daily basis. He'll play up so he'll get into trouble, he'll throw himself at me when i hug him and just doesn't want to let go... i know he does it cause he knows i prefer my 3 year old, i try to hide it, but he's very smart...
I know i hug & kiss my younger son every opportunity i get, yet i have to force myself to remember him... I feel like a terrible mom cause i favor my younger child. How can i love my older son? How can i finally bond with him and care for him as much as i do for my baby?
Do you think it was caused by postpartum? How do i fix this???
Thank you for your help.
Melanie

Answer 1

Some personalities get a long better and it is easier to want to be around some one that you have this closer connection with. The one thing as a mother is you need to treat each one equally. It is not the childs fault, you may want to make some special time for your five year old, have a day with him,( only him.) Do what he wants to do with you. Spend the time hugging and kissing him, reading to him, developing a close relationship to him, because he is important too. If you don't do this, you will regret it later on in life. My mother-in-law did this to my husband. She was so busy with the older son, she did not have time to hug and hold my husband. My husband found me, (I am a very affectionate person) and fell in love with me. I brought out the best things in him and he has turned out to be the kind of man that everyone wants to be around. He is very smart, funny, talented, kind, loving, and the kind of husband that every woman wants. Now his mom tells me that she wishes that she would have developed a relationship with him when he was younger. She sees what kind of a person he is when someone truly loves him and now she is jellous of our relationship. She has told me that she feels that I stole her best son. But when they were younger she had no time for him. She loved the other one better. The other one turned out to be 50 and was married once for 6 months, he lives in bars, got a girl pregnant and she gave the baby away, so he can never see his child, and his life is really messed up. I think that it is better to love them both equally, or you will end up with on trying to please you and be the best he can for you, while you are fixated on the other child and that one will always feel that no matter what he does that he will always have you to take care of him, and he will probably end up to be not much of a person. Love them equally for the sake of BOTH of them. This way you will have two well rounded children. Not two disfunctional children. Trust me they both know who you like more. You NEED to fix this NOW while you still have a chance. Start to bond with your other son by doing special things with only him on one day and then do the same thing with the other son on the next day. We always called them dates with mom and dad. The kids will remember them forever!

Answer 2

First of all- I commend you for your honesty. It must have been very hard for you to write this post. I don't know if you have tried setting aside time for one on one time for you and your older son to have some quality time together. Let him pick an activity or game he would like to play with you and have some fun together. I would definately go and see a family councelor of some sort. I have a 7 month old and suffered post paratum depression after he was born and it went away on its own, but came back really bad after I stopped nursing when he was 6 months old. I was completly void of any emotion tward my son. I felt like I was just going thru parenting "motions" while feeling indifferent to him. I went to a psychiatrist to get put on meds and talk about it. It is nothing to be embarrassed about and I think is more common than you realize. I do believe you could be suffering from some kind of ppd or something similar but you need to seek help for your son's sake. You are doing the right thing by looking for some answers! Good luck!

Answer 3

I had problems bonding with my second son when he was born. It took him getting very ill for the motherly instinct to kick in. Then i spent the next 2 years in a guilty daze but it eventually all worked out.

Maybe try spending more one on one time with your 5 year old...get to know him better and see what a great kid he can be too. Good luck and your already headed in the right direction by acknowledging that there is a problem.

Answer 4

The fact that you recognize that you treat your sons differently is the first step in the right direction, and you are a good mom for wanting to fix it.

Just try to spend time with both sons, individually if possible. You'll start to realize that they are both very special, unique little people. Try to find time each day to play with them, talk with them, and get to know them each. Let your son guide the play and the conversation. You'll begin to learn a little more about what goes on inside his head, and hopefully relate to him more.

There's also a book out there called "Playground Politics: Understanding the Emotional Life of Your Schoolaged Child". It doesn't address this exact need, but the writer, Stanley Greenspan, talks about 5 principles of dealing with your children to get to know them and understand them better.

It might be helpful to read just for a little bit of advice.

But just try your best. Being a mom is never easy, and it's clear that you want to be the best mom you can be. That's what matters. :) Good luck.

Answer 5

i think that maybe now you might think that because he's the older child and he should be a little more grown up. but you also have to constantly remind yourself that he is just a 5 year old little... tiny child who loves you to the moon and back. it's amazing how much love a child has for their parents and i'd say that you should take some time out with your eldest and have more one on one time. even though he is the biggest, he still needs as much love back and post partum is definately a factor too but remember that he is totally dependant on you.

Answer 6

Try having a mommy and older child day.
Have someone else watch the baby.
You're not a bad mother for this. First children are often hard to bond with. My daughter's 15 months old and she still hasn't bonded with me.

Answer 7

Just think of how much your 5-year old needs your love and attention to become a normal functioning adult. You don't want to make an angry person out of him. It will make his life hell.

Answer 8

you should make time when it's just the two of you, you and your oldest. have nice talks with him about your feelings and stuff. and every chance you get, tell him you love him. make it just you and him for an hour or so a day, where just y'all can hang out. no favortism, no distractions, just you two.