How do i love my 5year old son?

Question

i have 2 boys, 3 and 5.
When my older one was born, i never bonded with him. I know it sounds horrible, but i offten wish i'd have had an abortion (and i don't believe in abortions, i was adopted).
When I got pregnant with my 3year old, i loved him instantly, from the moment i did the test.
It came so naturel...
Now, my 5 year old is trying so hard to get my love on a daily basis. He'll play up so he'll get into trouble, he'll throw himself at me when i hug him and just doesn't want to let go... i know he does it cause he knows i prefer my 3 year old, i try to hide it, but he's very smart...
I know i hug & kiss my younger son every opportunity i get, yet i have to force myself to remember him... I feel like a terrible mom cause i favor my younger child. How can i love my older son? How can i finally bond with him and care for him as much as i do for my baby?
Do you think it was caused by postpartum? How do i fix this???
Thank you for your help.
Melanie

thank you all for being so helpfull, it's one thing to be open in front of ppl i can't see and another to talk to a doctor about it... i however do have an appointment next wednesday and will bring this up... just so you know i did bring this up to my midwife when i was pregnant with my 3 year old and she said it would all fall in place... i do recognize there is a problem and i have been trying to shake it of,... but i've been trying to shake it of for almost 4 years now... I am married and both my sons have equal love from there father and my older son usually seeks him for comfort, but i do realize that is because he is expecting my resentment...
I'll be working on this, and thank you all.
Mel

Answer 1

What a sad situation --- for all of you. You could have double the love and joy that you have with your three year old; your five year old is being deprived of the love of his mother, which is the cornerstone of who he will become; your three year old is going to be deprived of the love of his brother, who is going to resent him because of the obvious difference in your feelings for the two boys.
Since you are so aware of the difference in how you feel about the two boys, are you aware of why? The fact is that no matter what the reason, it's not the child's fault and he shouldn't have to suffer for it. If you don't get to work on changing this now, it is going to affect his entire life.
If you aren't already showing him physical affection, you need to change that now. We all need physical contact, and children can't thrive without being touched. Tousle his hair as you walk by, snuggle him while you watch t.v. or read a story, stroke his shoulder while he's doing school work, give him hugs and kisses. Talk to him about his day, play little games together, go for walks, both with and without his little brother. Try scheduling special times for just the two of you together. Do something that is fun for both of you, something to bring some joy and build special memories. Do things to make him know that he's special to you.
Since this has gone on for such a long time though, it's important that you consult a professional in order to learn how to undo some of the damage that's been done. Don't waste time beating yourself up over what's already done. The important thing is that you recognized it and now do something to make it better. That's a brave step.

Answer 2

Yes it could have been postpartum depression, but with what you have been indicating, it has never gone away. Something is very wrong and you definitely need professional help with a psychologist. Otherwise, you will destroy your five year old son's psyche and self esteem and he will have many problems as a teen and an adult. When your five year old was born, there must have been extenuating circumstances that you never were able to bond with him, but the one that I think was uppermost was very bad post partum depression that went unaddressed and you were never treated for it. You must go for help immediately, and try to work toward changing your attitude. You cannot continue to do this. The fact that you feel guilty does show that you know something is radically wrong, but you are reaching out because you really don't know what to do. This little boy is starving for love and affection and your cold unresponsive attitude toward him is going to destroy him. If you do not change your ways, you will end up with a son who as an adult will despise you, resent you and he will never ever be able to know how to show love and affection and he also will have a hate towards women. This may lead to a troubled teenager and as an adult the inability to hold a job, maybe be in trouble with the law too. Do you want to do that to this innocent five year old little boy? Please you must right this wrong. Talk to your Mom or Mother in Law if you do not have a mother, and discuss that you have been very depressed lately, and you are going to a psychologist. Go to a psychologist right away and start finding out why you are doing this. Also, I think your five year old should have some therapy with a good child psychologist too, as it is never too early to clear up these problems, so he can evolve into a normal teen and adult. You must get help immediately. Please do it for your son and yourself and for your son;'s future.

Answer 3

It's Good that you are asking. It first came to mind that you may want to see through your favored son's eyes and see what he can see. How you love on his brother. The one you favor feels your hugs but what does he see. Our children all have different personalities. This is the awesome part. It is like making a cake and we are all different ingredients, if you leave something out it won't be right. A little of this, more of that might work okay this time and later try something different. Isn't time a wonderful thing. We get all these trials and errors to get to make such a lasting unity. Your family is the begining of these childrens' families to come. They will learn how to treat one another, love their wife and respect you when they are older. They will soon bring you their wives and children, both sons. This is a Blessing bestowed upon you. Don't look back, look forward. You are the begining of a strong foundation upon which these boys will come from. You will leave them stories and memories for a lifetime. So enjoy life for it goes as quick as the day. Make your memories my Dear and be happy, nothing to feel bad about. Shake all that off and use both of your arms, one for each boy. Watch each child with his own interests and desires and seek them out to aid and nurture them in this life. Children are a Blessing. I had two children one of whom I favored, and one who was not emotional and did not like me to hug or get kiss her. The one whom I adored died suddenly at the age of 23. At the Funneral, my other daughter said,"I know you wish it were me in the coffin."
Of course not, and I was applalled she would say that let alone feel that, but this is what happens. She was a year older and should have matured enough to know that each child interacts differently with parents. We are all different personalities. She still feels this way and she has three children. She has her favorite but still sees me as the one who loved her sister more than her. I suppose it will be lifelong. I tell her do you love one finger more than the other on your hand. You may use one more or love one more but you love them all and wouldn't want to give up or be without any of them.

Answer 4

Pick a day of the week and get a babysitter for your youngest son. Take the 5 year old out, just you and him, for at least 3 hours. Have some lunch at McDonald's and then just go to the park or spend time playing a game of his choice. He needs individual attention, away from his younger sibling, so that he doesn't end up resenting the brother. Another day of the week, take them both out together. He will think that he is special because he gets one on one time with you.
Oh...don't forget to hang up everything he brings home from school on the fridge.

Answer 5

i wish it particularly is pretend. i could under no circumstances under no circumstances think of giving my son up. I had my son at 19 and he's very just about 6 years previous. I genuinely have had lots extra struggles then all and sundry i understand yet I shop shifting forward and that i admire my baby with all my coronary heart. I do admit that often I think of a few days trip. yet i think of this is diverse. Do you love your son? in case you love him you will shop him and do what you may do.If he grew to become into an infant then i could see giving him up. you like some help. seize a telephone e book on your section and seem for social centers or any county numbers and locate somebody that would help you. i think of something is extremely incorrect with somebody who's in united states of america and needs to grant a 5 3 hundred and sixty 5 days previous away. you will smash this baby one way or yet another without help!

Answer 6

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get some professional help!!

There is many resources out there for you to reach out to!
Your doctor might be able to help you.

I am surprised and amazed at how open and honest you are being here---but that is a good thing!
Admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it!

If you are religious and affiliated with a church they usually have support groups for mothers.
Your county should have programs as well.

Perhaps you are distant from your first born because you weren't prepared to have a baby for many different reasons.

Obviously you recognize that your son needs more of your attention. He loves you and he deserves your love and attention.
You are the most important person in this little boys life.
Even if you have to force yourself for the time being force yourself to hug and kiss and comfort him. He deserves it and so do you!!!

If you can bring yourself to be open and honest here --you can take the next step and get some professional help!!!

Good luck to you and ALL of your children!

Answer 7

Love is a choice and you are choosing to reject this poor child and have done permanent damage. There is a life at stake here and you are messing him up forever with your rejection ... get professional help ... why in the world have you waited this long? This is one of the worst forms of child abuse.

Read Dr. Phils link;
"When Parents Play Favorites"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/530

Answer 8

Just make yourself do it. Do the things you know you should do for someone you love and hopefully the feelings will come later. You have to start thinking of love as an action word and not a feeling word.

Answer 9

For your sake and your sons go see a licensed therapist. Your feelings are hurting both you and your children and you need to understand them and work them out so that you can give both of your children the love and care they deserve. Sometimes our feelings are buried deep and hard to understand but there is a reason for them and you need to explore them and cope with them. Good luck

Answer 10

THAT IS JUST SICK, HE IS YOUR SON.....HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE HIM?? GOD DOESN'T MAKE MISTAKES!!! YOU SHOULD LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.....THAT IS HOW SO MANY PEOPLE GROW UP TO HATE EVERYONE IF HE DOESN'T GET THE ATTENTION FROM YOU....AND HE HAS TO GET HIMSELF IN TROUBLE TO GET THE ATTENTION, THEN LORD KNOWS WHAT HE MIGHT DO WHEN HE IS 16 OR 17 TO GET ATTENTION!! HE MIGHT START USING DRUGS OR ANYTHING!! THAT IS YOUR SON AND NO ONE SHOULD COME BEFORE EITHER ONE OF THEM TWO BOYS. MY MOM DOESN'T HAVE ME AND MY THREE SISTERS! SHE REGRETS NOT LOVING AND CARING FOR US AS MUCH AS SHE SHOULD HAVE. WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS DO YOU WANT TO REGRET NOT LOVEING AND CARING FOR HIM LIKE YOU SHOULD HAVE??
GOOD LUCK♥