Ladies: silly little love poem, but it took a lot of time and TLC?

Question

REVISED


Sentences on a Sentence

I turn the key and pull away from you,

only to face this numb routine. My breath
appears in front of me, as though the ghost
of warmth; then melts into the burning cold
and disappears…for where else could it go?
The sun begins to rub its eyes, and drink
its morning cup; if only it would sleep and hide—
I’d love to do the same. I bite my lip
and disappear…for where else could I go.

An endless mile away from you, pretending
to work… to care—a thousand feet trample
among the ground, but none the ones that leave
footprints on me. Hundreds of voices crisscross
my ears, but none the one that brings your sound.
My eyes cross paths with just as many sets,
but none the one I see in fantasy—
I close my eyes…and fantasize. Finally,

the exodus, as all of us stampede: the running
of the dulls. Daytime cowers under dusk,
then gets knocked out by night. My breath again
appears as white as I—as I blow in to hands
that now clutch keys. I do hard time in languid lines—
to slip the cold, the dark…the rest.
And finally arrive inside the world where I’m alive—
with you, my girl…my second sun.


I turn the latch and shut out all the rest.

I could just stop and take my first damn breath
of air. We could become as one, the couch
and I—we make a famous pair. I could
invade that juicy box of yours: your
refrigerator. But no…I’d rather gather in
that face, until your cheek meets chest,
and finally arrive—inside the world
where I’m alive—and finally… arrive.

Answer 1

Ohhhh... as usual, I'm speechless. This is absolutely gorgeous.

Answer 2

Oh wow, that's awesome. You are really in touch with your feelings and that's quite a gift. There might be a few grammar flaws, but the meaning is very powerful. Have you taken any writing courses? Maybe you should look into it. Good luck!

Answer 3

Very nice. You should be cautious about posting your poetry here. Someone might steal it as his or her own and publish it and get the credit for it. Keep on writing. It becomes you.

Answer 4

i presumed it grew to become into very eye-catching. "taking me back to the convenience latest in my mom's womb." Brings to recommendations that love and survival are 2 very standard making use of forces in our nature.

Answer 5

All I can say is..whomever this woman is that you write about is one lucky girl. :)
Wouldn't it be nice to know that a man would rather be with you than anywhere else?

Answer 6

NOt bad some gilr will really like that, its just a matter of who

Answer 7

You are very talented!! Have you ever been published?

Answer 8

gosh i thought my poem was romantic that was very romantic you are a very good poet