Do you think we can ever overcome our pasts?

Question

My mother is/was an abusive, two faced person with immense love and immense abusive issues. She beat us up, called us every obscenity in the world and yet would defend us to the end when we were in trouble and would often cry for forgiveness. She put us before her in all things, but was physically and verbally too much. I moved across the US to get away and start my life. I swore to learn to be not like her. But I find many of my habits like hers (short-tempered, mood swings, depression, and lack of financial education) My mother was always depending on men to pay her bills. She did not know how to manage her money. I feel like I am becoming her. My bf is so good to me and I do not want to become insane like her. What can I do to work out those traits she has influenced me with? I am a lot more happy and confident since I ran away at 19, but I still feel her habits have rubbed off on me. I know nothing about money management and common sense stuff. What can I do to truly start fresh?

Answer 1

I know exactly how it feels.. you sometimes feel like you are her clone or something like that... talk to your bf about it tell him what you had suffered to and maybe then he'll understnad and try to help you out.

Answer 2

You have started on the right path to help yourself immerse from the pains of the past with your mother. First of all , at 19 is not running away from home. You were old enough and smart enough to leave to save your sanity. The money management is easy to fix. As most young people don't know how to manage their money either. Go to a Community College in your area, or YWCA and ask if there are classes on Money Management for adults. Take a course or read money management books from the library. Set a plan for your finances, write them down and set a budget to live with in. That part of your life is easy to take care of. The hard part is living within and sacrificing things you want for with in your budget. Next to help you not become your mother, again go to YWCA or Salvation Army or a women's Counselor and get some therapy help on anger management.
You sound like you are a strong and determined person and you have taken the first steps to better your live and make a good foundation for your personal relationship. Also you just might think of letting in a high source of power in to your life in the spiritual realm of things. Good Luck

Answer 3

A majority sounds like my life and how my mother was with us. What you need is to find the right person to sit you down and encourage you in a positive light on how to handle these things. I know that you're not your mother because I'm not mine; I mean, I have always had my own personality with pieces of my mother in me. If your boyfriend is good to you, he'll help you to make sense of what's wrong with these parts of you that belong to your mother - I know that's what my husband did to me. What you can do to work out these traits that she has influenced you with, is you need to step into you and who you want to be. I think that at this time you need to hand over the money management to your boyfriend until you can receive help. I can really help you since I've been in this situation, just contact me through my source.

Answer 4

Even though you have many of your mother's habits like being short-tempered and mood swings, you know that you will never be like her. For the money management and common sense... maybe ask a friend or someone who knows well with those stuff

Answer 5

Check out your local Jr. college, even if you can only afford to take one class semester, the better educated your are the better you will do in all areas of your life, you might want to start with psychology101, it will help give you insights to your mother's personality, and your own. If money is a problem, talk to admissions, there are federal grants available to adult students, to help pay for classes. Good luck to you,(I don't think you will turn into your mother, you are too self aware to let that happen).

Answer 6

well at least you are aware of it. That is the first step. Now you just need to make a conscious decision not to end up like her, and stick with it. Even get some help if you need to. Just be strong and you will overcome it in the end. The past makes us who we are today but it doesn't mean we have to become that. You can take your childhood as a learning experience and do simply that, learn from it. Good luck to you !

Answer 7

Behavior like this does tend to be generational. It is up to you to break the cycle. Part of recovering is knowing that you were indeed abused, but trying to forgive. I had a verbally and physically abusive mother too. My siblings still practice her tactics with me if I allow them. I don't think they are really aware of it until I call them out on it. I've had to actually just remove them from my life because I couldn't stand it. Mom is deceased. I have good and bad days thinking about her. I pray a lot about it. I want to honor her (memory) as the bible says we should so that our days will be longer and that things will be well with me. That is the first commandment that came with a promise. I just give the bad memories (there are many more than good ones, unfortunately) to God whenever they pop up.
Like you I struggle sometimes not to behave like my mom. I think you are making headway in breaking the generational behavior. Just be aware of it and stop when you start. You are a product of your environment growing up, but now you do have choices. Therapy can help. Sometimes validation is what you need to get in balance. My siblings got the same treatment, but I bore the brunt of mom's tirades most of the time. She too was fiercly protective against others who might try to abuse us. She just didn't see, or couldn't control her own abusive ways. Behavior like that is confusing to a child. It might have made you believe you were bringing her wrath on you in some way. You weren't. She was ill.
You can be happy. Just keep trying to be who you want to be. You'll get there. I raised my child with plenty of love. I'm sure his good memories of me out weigh any bad ones. We are very close. He'll do even better with his children.
God bless you. Ask him to heal you. He will.

Answer 8

The only way to change anything is to acknowldge it and you've made that important first step. When you find yourself behaving or thinking like her, change it and soon it will become second nature. Don't worry about the money management and common sense stuff, it will come. Good luck with this and I do believe somebody like you can overcome their past, you want it.

Answer 9

I believe it is possible to overcome our pasts and not be like our parents. I think you are doing well to even have a handle on what she did that you are disturbed about. I think to overcome our pasts we have to acknowledge that what happened is a part of who we are now, but it is not who we have to be. Taking strides and steps to learn about financial responsibility and speaking to a counselor would be a great step in the right direction. People overcome things like you have gone through all of the time with great discipline in your actions and awareness you can and will overcome everything your mother has done and will possibly continue to overcome the things she has done. Be strong and learn who you are.

Answer 10

Wow - I did exactly the same thing for the same reasons (left home in PA and live in Colorado now to get away from a family of vicious people).

See a good therapist. They can listen to you and give you an objective view of what you need to do. I did, and I'm soooooo glad of that.

Answer 11

Check with a community college (2-yr. college) and see if they have a class for that. If not, you just have to learn to discipline yourself. Figure out how much money you need to last until next payday and set up a strict budget. If you just can't do it, then get somebody else to manage your money and give you an allowance.