My mother in law takes almost no notice of my three children But dotes on her other two.Am I over sensitive?

Question

I am always polite and kind to my mother in law but I feel so hurt by her attitude.she clearly adores her two grandaughters but makes no effort with my three children.
We don't live as near to them as my husbands brother and sister, but then I don't live near my mum either and she makes an effort.
It makes me feel so angry and hurt but my hubby doesn't seem bothered and then I feel angry with him. Im I just being over sensitive.
( my kids are perfecly nice and ordinary - I have two boys and a little girl)

The eldest is 14 so she's not going to suddenly like them after all these years

The last time the kids saw her was two years ago. We went to visit she hadn't seen them for a while and we might as well not of bothered. I have never fallen out about it but I keep making excuses not to go ( she never visits us 'cos she says it's too far)

dog du - yes they are my husbands children and her "real "grandchildren so no excuses there!

I have really appreciated all your answers and opinions.

Answer 1

Not a nice situation and when you have children you actually feel hurt on their behalf. It could be because you do not live as near and she is just so familiar with the other grandchildren. Delicate as it is you may feel the need to actually tell her it is hurting. Again you may not as if she suddenly started treating your children better you could presume it was 'put on'. Probably best to just thank your lucky starts you live a bit of a distance away and convince yourself as it truthfully is - her loss! You should find it a great consolation in the effort your own mum makes as they are being brought up in a loving environment by a great grandmother. Sometimes children are born to no grandparents whatsoever so try and convince yourself their lives have a bonus in it with your mum, rather than a loss with their other grandparent. With regard to your husband if you are in a loving relationship and all else is well within your marriage his attitude seems like a typical 'man thing'. He probably doesn't even notice as I am sure mine wouldn't either and think it was just me going on! Good luck!!!

Answer 2

Misty, you could easily be talking about my ex-mother-in-law. This was exactly the way she treated my daughter. Her favorite was my step-daughter from my ex's first marriage. I once had a conversation with her daughter and she felt that her mother ignored her children too. I would say that your mother-n-law either doesnt realize what she is doing or doesnt care. Either way you cant change her behavior. All you can change is your own. If your kids are old enough you could talk to them and find out how they feel about the situation. Its funny but the person my situation bothered the most was the "favored" child. She felt as she grew up that grandma was mean to her little sister. I never discussed it with my mother-in-law, if anyone does it should be her son not you. Besides, if she is such a "toot" that she doesnt realize that she is favoring one set of kids over another then she probably wouldnt believe you it you point it out. She will however believe the favored kids if they point it out. They may one day say something to the effect like " why did I get a new car for my l6th b'day and Johnny only got $50 bucks?" - I wish your children well, maybe they wont notice the slight -- this has nothing to do with them it is a flaw in your mother-in-law's character. I would bet that she favored her other kids over your hubby too. OR----Maybe I am completely wrong, and she simply does more for the other kids because she sees them more. Maybe in her heart she loves them all the same. Your husband could approach her and leave your name out entirely and say that it seems to him that she is slighting his kids. She might listen to him but she still may blame you. This is pretty much a lose-lose situation. I am sorry for you - good luck - k

Answer 3

The fact that her other two grandchildren live closer to her has given her the opportunity to bond more with them than your children (which is unfortunate). If you tactfully try to tell her that she seems closer to the other children then she would more than likely deny it and become defensive. So, have you tried to arrange for your children and this grandmother to go on special outings (to the zoo, aquarium, family nights, movies, etc.- especially anything interactive). The more opportunities that she has to bond with them the better. I am sure that she loves them dearly - but she may be dealing with some underlying issues such as: jealousy of you being with her son (especially if he was her favorite, is the oldest, or only son), or her uncertainty of how you would react to her showing more affection to your children.

I would attempt to involve her in family activities and even ask her to lunch (so you both will have an opportunity to get to know one another). You could also send her cards, signed by everyone in your family. This will let her know that she is on your minds and very much a part of your family.

If she doesn't respond to this there may be deeper issues involved such as jealousy (and you have no power to fix that).

And - no, you are not being overly sensitive. If you are sensing this, your feelings are probably right on target. Just don't take it personally, give her some time and additional opportunities to bond with your children. You may be pleasantly surprised. Also, if you have access to personal counseling (through your faith, or employer) make use of that to deal with your feelings. Don't discount the way you feel.

Best wishes to you and your family!

Answer 4

Family's are weird. Sometimes distance makes it a little harder and I've noticed that family on the mothers side (your mom) Tend to make more of an effort. I don't know why this is but I've noticed this not only in my family, but others as well. It almost seems that its easier for a mother to make an effort when its her daughters kids. My mother in law isn't nearly as close to my kids as her daughters kids but again, there is the distance thing there too. Just enjoy whatever relationship she has with your kids. Don't take it out on your husband, he can't have any control about his mothers actions. My husband isn't bothered by this either. I think its easier for men to just accept things as they are while us women want things to be a certain way. You are being over sensitive but I totally understand it. Have you made an effort with your kids to keep in touch with her? Do they send her notes, art things like that? She might just feel a little more disconnected from them since she's not around for the day to day.

Good luck, and remember, family comes in all shapes and sizes. Just enjoy yours for what it is :)

Answer 5

OMG!!! This gets me SOOOO angry, I'm going through the same, it's VERY hurtful, up to the point now where I've told her she's dead to me. This has gone on for 11 years, I have 2 girls and a boy but she doesn't see them from 1 week to the next but she does see her other granddaughter every day, it' so hurtful E.G. she got my kids fluffy toys and a bag each for Xmas but got her other gd a laptop, it just makes me sick. I've took all the rejection I can take and it's now easier not to have her in my life at all, instead of thinking maybe today she'll ring to see how my kids are or ask to take them out somewhere and always being disappointed, and what's worse is , when I confronted her about it, she said she does nothing wrong. I prefer not to think about it or it would send me mad, I really have to think she is dead and it's a weight off my mind. Good luck, this situation is absolutely heart wrenching to be in. x

Answer 6

Sometimes people are a funny sort, maybe her bonds are stronger with her daughter? Maybe she has a routine and that being closer to the other kids is more conveneint. I dont think love is in question here, does she drive? or work? are you and your husband a working family? There are many factors here that could count. how often do you and your family visit her? My mother hardly visits us and my children but this is because we live 25 miles away and she doesnt drive, although she visits my sisters and their kids a lot because they live in the same town.The important thing is that the children know who there extended family are and that they know they can visit on occasion. Most of all is the fact that you clearly care. Dont be fed up with your hubbies apparent attitude...remember he is stuck in the middle of 2 women who perhaps dont see eye to eye on this issue, and that is an impossible situation. it is easier for him to sit back and let it sort itself out. I got involved in a similar situation with my mother and we ended up not talking, she then had a serious medical problem and nearly died and i didnt find out until after she came out of hospital. Your hubby does care , he is just scared of getting involved

Answer 7

Hi its a shame and your not being too sensitive ,your kids are missing out but so is she big time ,as long as you make the effort well you cant get the blame ,i feel the same with my husbands family sometimes, they are always babysitting for my husbands sisters kids , i know they get more spent on them ,it might sound petty but i dont think its fair we all live in the same town but i put it down to my husband not being so close to his parents as she is ,it hurts but as long as your making the effort you cant be blamed when the kids ask about it when they are older.

Answer 8

Of course it's normal to feel hurt, my x-father in law used to drive past our street to go see his other grandchildren and buy treats for them, candy, small toys, you know, it would hurt my kids when they'd find out. I loved the little cousins very much, so it never affected my realtionship with them. I would go out of my way to see my girls were polite and well dressed, but he would comment about the others all the time. Well he died, that marraige ended and now i live far away. This mother in law stays distant and i have learned to love my son and my 2'nd hubby and ignore how others live their lives--we cannot change people, so yes it used to hurt me, but no longer.

Answer 9

My mother in law exactly the same and she only lives down the road. I have never done anything wrong and my children are only 3yrs and 1 yrs yet she sees her boyfriends grandchildren more then mine and they live 35 miles away. I don't let it get me down and the end of the day it is her loss she will never get the time back again and they think the world of there another nanny. Frustrating situation you have my sympathy totally.

Answer 10

I really wouldn't worry at all. My Mother-In-Law really doesn't like me, and seems to include my kids in her dislike. (They're spoilt apparently.) Which is amazingly hypocritical considering she really wasn't the best Mother in the world, (lets put it this way, my Husband got his first black eye at the age of 7, from her) and she already has a teenage grand-daughter who doesn't speak to her. But I really don't care, we live far enough away from her that we only see her once every 3 months, and it's her loss. She's the one who will miss out on every fantastic, amazing achievement they have and she's the one missing her chance to build a solid relationship with them. It's all karma, Honey, it'll come back and bite her in the bum one day. The one thing I will say is don't take it out on your hubby, no matter what happens, she's his Mum and it's not fair to put him in a position where he feels he's caught in the middle. Just stick out your chin and be as nice as pie to her, that way you have moral superiority!!