I have an 11 yr old son and a 9 yr old daughter. Their father left the day that she was born. There has been no contact since. 2 nights ago he shows up at my door, wanting to see my children. He claims that he tried to reach me several times in the 1st yr that he left, but that my mom intervened all times and told him they weren't his, DNA tests proved them to be someone elses', etc. This is probably true. My mom is prejudice, he's black. However, I filed child support 2 years ago, and DNA tests were performed then, proving him to be the father. So, no matter what, he's known for 16 months that he's got 2 kids over here. Do I allow him to see them? Do I take them to counseling? How do I explain this to them? I want to do what's right for the kids, no matter what. I just don't want tp traumatize them. He's married w/2 kids and 1 on the way. His wife wants him to have nothing to do with mine. What kind of situation does that put mine in on visiting day? HELP!!!
2007-03-10 05:18:25 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Go to court and ask for supervised visitation so the kids can get to know him well first and also to see how he interacts with them. if he has not paid any child support, I would tell him to pay up or he has no rights. Make sure you get a court order to say that you have total sole and physical custody otherwise he can take them and not return them. Be careful and cover all your bases.( I work with custody issues as a profession) Good luck
2007-03-10 05:24:27 · answer #1 · answered by Sweetie 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If he hasn't been paying child support you need to basically tell him to pay up. Maybe that will scare him to stay away. If that is what you want. But, the bottom line is that by law he has a right to your children regardless of how involved he has been. What I learned is to just back off and let the father deal with your children without any interference from you. They are old enough to be able to deal. I assume you have told them about their dad and they have seen pictures right? Him using your mom is a poor excuse. If he really wanted to see the kids then nothing would have stopped him. Also, you may want to contact a lawyer and get child support set up and some kind of visitation. Start out slowly and work your way up. Just try to remember that yes you had a history with him and things were hurtful then, don't let it affect your kids. Deal with your own emotions and let your kids deal with their dad in their own way. And as far as telling them what is going on. Just be honest. Your dad is here and wants to see you, what do you think. This is their situation to deal with. As far as counseling, unless you really feel they need to deal then yes. Good luck
2007-03-10 05:27:40 · answer #2 · answered by Jen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hard question. I raised three by myself and father had visitations but lived in other state and never took the visitation and the only time he saw the children was when my family had reunions in the state where he lived but I took them to see him every time we went. now the answer is yes he is their father and they might hold it against you if you do not allow them to see him but never say bad things about him let them be the judge and ask the questions. Which they will and lets see how the react to dads answers. My children asked their father why he never visited and he really did not have a good reason so they new how to feel for him. As now my youngest is twenty eight and she was only nine months old when we left but till this day she tells every one she does not have a father and he has been dead after she was born. Kids are smarter then we think.
2007-03-10 06:18:52 · answer #3 · answered by bert_ind20042000 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off, that sucks and I'm sorry. But. Despite the fact that he abandoned you, the man has a right to see his children, and they need a father in their life. They're old enough to understand somewhat. Just tell them that their father was very confused for a very long time and now he knows what he's been missing out on. It's pretty close to the truth, and it won't give them a bad view of their father. That's something that they should decide for themselves. As for the new wife, that's something that he's going to have to deal w/. If he wants to see his children, he'll tell her that it's not her choice. Good luck.
2007-03-10 05:29:44 · answer #4 · answered by ale 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How unfortunate it is that there are people out there who could up and leave their own children. The fact is he has and undoubtedly you have to protect your kids. All the what if's. What if he decides to be part of their lives and then deserts them again. Will the other spouse provide a suitable environment for the kids if in her presence and you, the mother, are not there to protect?? Protect your kids, if he is serious make him apply through the courts. If he is serious, it might be proof. See if the cost is too much of a burden for him to go any further.
2007-03-11 23:27:48 · answer #5 · answered by nick s 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He should have been more respectful to you...like calling before just showing up. I would talk to the kids and allow them to have some input on the matter, they're the ones most affected by the situation. As far as his new wife is concerned...it's really none of her business as they are his kids. Sorry about your mother, she should be more sensitive to your situation. Good luck.
2007-03-10 05:24:32 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think of which you may tell somebody approximately this. actual abuse isn't a competent difficulty for all and sundry to circulate by way of, whether you're a youthful rebellious teen there is not any reason for somebody to hit you. once you strengthen up issues gets extra effectual, possibly your dad will exchange, or perhaps you've gotten the means to go out. possibly you may talk on your mum or somebody this is on the factor of you that would have the means that might actually assist you. possibly your mum could sense an analogous way and doubtless the superb difficulty to do is for you the two to circulate away. actual abuse is prohibited and incorrect, he could nevertheless have self assurance that it particularly is aloud to be carried out because of the fact of ways everybody use to do it in the olden days yet issues like that are actually not aloud to be carried out those day.
2016-09-30 11:54:25 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
think of the kids, they might not be asking now but they will one day ask where the father is....by allowing them to meet him, even at this age they can make their own mind up as to whether or not they stay in touch with him...do supervised visits to start with, if you are comfortable with him being in your home then ask him to come and meet you there with the children especailly the first couple of times....but make it clear to him that he doesnt come in and out of their lives like a yoyo and as and when he feels like it....my dad left when i was 2, and just flitted in and out and that just made me feel worse dont let him do that to them, but giev them the chance to get to know their father...good luck with everything
2007-03-10 05:24:31 · answer #8 · answered by deni 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Damn thast a sad situation. the kids might b sad to wonder why they didnt have a dad all these years and he's over there with 3 other kids that he's playing dad to. Its a tough call.
2007-03-10 05:24:50 · answer #9 · answered by lady26 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It depends on what you have already told them, seek some counseling on how to deal with the situation. in order for your kids to be whole, they need a sense of what each half of them are and not reject thier other half.
2007-03-10 05:28:15 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋