How do I stop my previous abusive relationship ruining my life?

Question

I ended a physical and psychological abusive relationship in Aug 05 after 4 years. He persued me for 6 months after and ended throwing me down the stairs. The wounds have healed but I'm left with the negative thoughts and lack of control over my emotions in my new relationship, we got engaged not long ago and I'm so happy to have a loving man. I have come a long way as a person but find it hard to control my anger and constant thoughts - I am not good enough him, he will leave, I dont deserve a good man. Why does he put up with me? Why is he so patient? Why does he put up with my shouting? I m scared his patience wont last much longer. When I don't feel believed or getting my own way I have these terrible temper out bursts, like im 3yrs old. I feel every **** thing I used to put up with, (the fights, death threats, beats, cheating on me, taking my money etc) I am taking it out on fiance who had done nothing except be eve

Answer 1

talk to a therapist they know what to do...

Answer 2

Honey, I'm right there with you. I ended an abusive relationship 13 years ago; I had had a child with this man; not only did he beat the c**p out of me while I was pregnant; he held my baby out of the car window threatening to drop him - for crying - my baby was six weeks old -I ended it there and then.

I met a good man two years later and I am still with him. I went through what you are now; fearing he would leave me, and that I didn't deserve him. In the end, I went to counselling for two years, which helped me see that my own low self esteem had held me in a terrible relationship for years, and that I felt i didn't deserve to be loved.

I'm on the other side of it now.
I know I'm a worthwhile person, it just took me a long time to see it.

Find a good therapist; confide all your fears in your lovely man; maybe you might seek therapy as a couple. I promise you - your wonderful, loving self is there close to the surface, and you won't have to look too far to find her.

Answer 3

kiwi love, slow down on y'self lass. You were in an abusive relationship for four years, you've been a survivor for 18 months. I've been there too. l remember someone telling me, when l was at a refuge, that it takes about the same amount of time to recover as the amount of time the abuse went on. When you are in that situation you have to suppress so much hurt and anger because it's not safe to vent it, to express it would be dangerous. You must trust your new partner or you would'nt feel able to express it now. However you really need somewhere else safe and appropriate to deal with it. Seek counselling love, phone Womens Aid, they could help point you towards someone who deals specifically with these issues. Good luck, hope it works out.

Answer 4

What you are experiencing is not unusual after surviving an abusive relationship and I would really encourage you to seek some professional help and possibly a support group for DV survivors. That's not to say that there is anything "wrong" with you, but DV is extremely traumatizing and it can take a long time to heal and you deserve to have support in the process. You have excellent insight and legitimate concerns and trauma can absolutely create issues that continue to exist once you have obtained safety. Seek support from someone who works with DV survivors and understands the impact it has and don't judge yourself as being the cause, the abuser was the cause.

Answer 5

I agree that you need some counselling. It seems that you need to have your traumatic memories, de-traumatised. This can happen very quickly and does work.
You have put up with a lot in your life and you do deserve a lot of good things. Your new man obviously loves you and wants the best for you and is sticking by you.
If you are in the UK, this organisation might be able to assist you. They also have therapists in some other countries.
http://www.humangivens.com/register/

In the US, I'm not sure how the system works but there will be options for you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. You can make it.

Answer 6

Don't let the past with this man ruin the future with your new one. You behaviour is as a result from insecurity - I am very similar but due to being adandoned by my mother - it is like you are convinced that you are not worthy of love and so sooner than let someone else let you down (i.e your new fiance) you constantly push the boundries to test his love for you. When he passes the test, you still can't believe that he is still there so you do it again. Your new man clearly loves you dearly and understands why you behave like this. However, it is time for you to hold your head up high and realise and accept that you are a person worthy of being loved and treated well. I am not always convinced about "therapy" but if you feel you need it then of course, it may be worth a try.

Answer 7

I just want to tell you that my mother was there! Not as bad, but i understand how you feel! If you think about it, its like it was yesterday! Your scarrd for life! What you should do is go see a professional counsler about this. If you dont have the money then talk to someone who you feel comfortable with, who will listen and give you advice on how to help you cope with this.

Some things i suggest you try are:
1) letting your feelings pour out to someone or something (like a journal)
2) Mood plus pills, unlike most medications doctors give you to help you cope with depression these are natural and you can buy them at wal*mart, they are called "Same", i have tried them, they really do work
3) Find a hobby that makes you feel happy when you do it, like making things, exercising, etc.. things to help get your mind off of it.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 8

Well, I am sure you both have talked about your past, so your fiance surely understands. You both have to talk to someone.I would make an appointment for you both.But getting into a relationship this soon after just breaking up a four yr. commitment is no good either. You need time to heal.Your wounds, physical and mental are still fresh. Give yourself some healing time hon. Take care!

Answer 9

To me you sound a little depressed , lacking confidence and feeling worthless are factors with this illness .. would you consider medication to lift your spirits again and i can assure you , you will feel like a new woman . you will also benefit from counselling to talk things through etc a problem shared is a problem halved as they say .. these are the steps i would take , then hopefully in a few months you will have a totally different outlook on life and you can leave your past in the past where it so belongs and you can enjoy precious time with this man who loves you so much ..

Best Wishes x

Answer 10

The 1st thing you need to do is forgive yourself. get off your poor me and look around you blue sky green grss a guy who loves you your healthy in one piece that right there is a lot to be proud of; many others in your past situation don't live to tell about it so theres #1 you have a great guy now #2 you cannot change the past we can only learn from our mistakes and move forward, the past is over if you keep dwelling on it it will contaminate everything in your life it will eat you up and there is nothing you can do about it (unless you do have that elusive timemachine) Don't compare your new guy to, in any way shape or form your past error in judgement. 2 different people extreme ends of the scale. You need to forgive your ex for what hes done to you (not neccessarily to his face but for your own mental well being) carrying revenge, hatered, resentment etc... is distructive to your person and what he did to you in the past hes still doing it today & hes not even in the picture anylonger so hes still winning don't give your power away take back your power move onward & upward and keep telling yourself you are a special person, good, kind, worthy of the respect you command, you teach people how to treat you; and you deserve to be treated with respect and love you've earned it. YOU CAN NOT LOVE ANYONE ELSE UNTIL YOU ARE HAPPY WITH AND CAN LOVE YOURSELF

Answer 11

This is about believing that you are a person who someone can love, not look at as a punchbag. You are someone who can be loved and who can love. If you love this man, do you want him to hurt like you were? Its just as painful for him to be yelled at and not trusted (although it sounds like he understands) as it was for you to be treated in this way. Remember how you felt? But seriously, it might be an idea to see a counsellor just to talk it all out with and also to improve your opinion of yourself. You are lovable or this man wouldn't be interested, would he, or at least he would not have been so patient. I wish you all the very best.