My ex now thinks Im madly in love with her. I was, but now Im not she and she still thinks I am?

Question

I broke up with my ex because of a problem and we became friends and it was really unusual because after the initial awkwardness and hurt we both felt for a couple of weeks, we became close friends. But I still fancied her. It got to a point where the problem that broke us apart was resolved so I thought a relationship would be perfect. So I asked her if we could get back together. She took offense and after saying no and me pleading with her a bit she proceeded to give me an onslaught of awkwardness, dancing and kissing strangers in front of me to give me the message (but she seemed hurt while she was doing this which I dont understand). This hurt me so much that I would never even imagine myself going out with her anymore even if she changed her mind.

Now my feelings for her have faded and I have met someone else (she doesnt know this). She still thinks I fancy her and is always on the defensive. Will she ever trust me again to be a close friend?

To brightspark: My feelings for her haven't completely faded to nothing. I know that will take time, but I know I still care about her and it still seems to hurt me when I see her hurt because I feel its my fault and I want to make that up to her rather than just cutting her away completely and leaving her to deal with it herself. Is that wrong?

Answer 1

i think you're kidding yourself.

if you were truly over her you wouldn't be bothered about being friends with her.

most of the time when people try to be friends with their exes it's in the hope they may rekindle something in the future.

the reason your ex was offended was because after you broke up she put her trust in your as a friend ... she genuinely believed you could be platonic friends, but you proved to her you had an ulterior motive (the problem in so many opposite sex "friendships) ... so you betrayed her trust, she thought you could be just friends and it's obvious you couldn't.

it's no wonder she can't trust you, she tried that once and you let her down.

sorry to be blunt but that relationship is over, so get over it. be happy in your new relationship and forget about your ex, stop calling her, leave her alone, and get on with your life.

there is very little benefit to being friends with an ex, that relationship had it's day, it didn't work out, and it has nothing more to offer ... you're not going to rekindle the romance so forget about it. she's over it, you should get over it too.

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i guess it's difficult to advise what to do, not knowing what the 'problem' was in the first place, or what the dynamics of your break up were.

i remember breaking up with a girl then realising i'd made a mistake and asking for a reconciliation, the girl had been hurt by the breakup and wasn't willing to rekindle things in case she got hurt again ... in retrospect she made the right decision. we did remain friends for a while, as we enjoyed each other's company, but that slowly faded as we started seeing other people and it wasn't entirely appropriate to have friends of the opposite sex.

i apologise if my response above seemed a little harsh, it's difficult not fully understanding the issues but most of the time people in your situation just need a reality check.

you sound like a good guy, and it's that side of you that wants to comfort your ex ... you feel a degree of guilt and want to atone for any upset you've cause. that's certainly admirable, but not always possible, and sometimes it's best to walk away and let the wound heal on it's own ... having you around could be like rubbing salt in the wound for her.

i think what i was driving at before was that you should question your motives, ask yourself if what you're doing is right for her ... or more for you ... perhaps you've realised you made a mistake, and deep down may hope to reconcile some day, if not right now ... life can be unkind and cruel though, and we don't always get the chance do undo any hurt we've caused.

it might be beneficial to see if your ex will meet you for an innocent coffee ... explain to her that you're genuinely sorry for any pain you may have caused her, but that she was a big part of your life, and you can't just switch off the feelings you had for her ... tell her that if she tells you there's no chance of a reconciliation you respect that and won't pursue one, but that you would appreciate her company and friendship and would like to be a friend to her in the hope you can make her smile from time to time by way of making up for some of the upset she may have suffered.

that's probably about the best you can do ... just be there for her if she needs you, entirely on her terms, and put your own motives to the side ... that way you may well form a good friendship, and otherwise it'll just slip comfortably away.

good luck.

Answer 2

when she sees how serious the relationship between you two are then she will come to realise this and might want you back- she might hurt alot, even though it was her that rejcted you, and somewhere within her believe that you still have THOSE feelings for her.