Why do I react so badly on the inside when a certain person tries to help me?

Question

At work, Jeff repeatedly jumps in the middle of what I'm doing and takes over. I usually have 3 or 4 sets of things I am working on. Last time I was sitting at the computer working on one thing. I turned around to get something I needed, but it had been moved. Jef was 'helping' me with one of my other projects.

This drives me crazy and freaks me out. I am suddenly lost for a moment - eventually I figure out what is up and can calm down. I get very frustrated. To add to this, I will look over and see that Jef actually has stuff that he can be working on. And, many times Jef will get very stressed because he does not have time to get everything done that he needs to do.

Anyway, I have asked him not to 'help' me when he has things he can be doing. The first time I explained to him how it made me feel he just kept saying how he was only trying to help etc. I tried to explain to him that I need things a certain way and that I get that he thinks he is helping....

The next day he kept ‘helping’ without asking if/what he could do, and I about lost it. I mean everything was out of place, and things weren’t being done my way. The thing is my name goes on this stuff - so just leave it be. If and when I need help, I will and do ask for it. So I notice that he has stuff he should be taking care of, and I stop him in the middle of moving one of my items. I say to him, “Oh - if you don’t mind, could you not help me with this stuff if you have something else you can be doing? I know you’re just trying to be helpful, and if you have nothing to do, go ahead, but otherwise please don’t.” I explained that I have all my chaos organized in a way that works for me. Saddened he explained that he was only trying to help and walked away. Within 20 minutes, he was back doing what I asked him not too. And yes, he still had stuff he should have been working on.

I hate confronting people like this, especially because I have already tried 2x, because they get so depressed over it and can’t see it from my view anyway. Adding to this stress, he will often ask things like, “Can I put this away for you? You’re not going to use it anyway.” But he does this when he has no idea if I’m going to use it or not - he might think he wouldn’t, but this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t. Like WTF - just leave it be - it’s not in his way, and I don’t see how it can be bothering him. Also, 3 times (in one day) I was on the phone, when he approached me and started talking. Granted I had the phone in my left hand and he approached from the right, but the last time he approached me, I held my hand up (motioning for him to shut up) - He then spots the phone and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you were on the phone. Sorry…..blah blah blah.” But he didn’t even shut up!

He kept apologizing while I was on the phone. ARGHHHHH. Anyway, I have gotten to the point where I just thank him for all his hard work and keep it to myself. But what I noticed is that this girl, Lucy, can help me all she wants and when I thank her, I actually mean it.

Because this problem is not getting resolved by confronting him, I am trying to learn how to change my internal reaction to his actions. I usually have very good control of how I choose to feel, but I guess I can not recognize (or admit?) why I feel this way.

It is not that Jeff "likes" me - he is 2x my age and is desperate to find happiness again. His 16 yr old son died a couple years ago and this destroyed his whole concept of self.

I don't openly (with the exception of the couple times I nicely asked him to stop) get freaked out - only the boss immediately above me is aware of my feelings.

I am trying to figure out HOW to not let him get to me - but I cant' figure out what to do.

Most the time he manages to get his work done, but he could get it done sooner, if he was not trying to do mine. The days that he has overstressed himself, he has actually gone home early, and we have had to pick up the slack....

The boss immediately above me that knows how I feel won't do anything about it - "Jeff is just trying to help." He does try to keep us not scheduled to work side by side, but regardless I will spend 4 of every 6 weeks beside Jeff :(..

Answer 1

The reason you are reacting to Jeff so strongly is because he has clearly disregarded your feelings even after you approached him very appropriately. This is not a situation where you need to reframe your perspective, Jeff needs to change his behavior and he obviously isn't getting it when you confront him as nicely as you have. I don't know what Jeff's issues are, and although I could hazard a guess, I won't as it really doesn't matter. He is quite obviously getting something some gratification from what he is doing or he wouldn't continue it. And unfortunately your boss lacks the assertiveness or motivation to resolve this issue, and that's unfortunate.
What I would suggest is the following. Confront him more strongly and make it clear that he is AGGRAVATING you and that his behavior is interfering with your peace of mind as well as your efficiency. Tell him directly that you do not appreciate his continuing to ignore your feelings and his persistence in aggravating you despite polite requests that he stop. Then give him some of your work that you dislike doing and that he is competent to handle in a separate pile with the clear instructions: "If you finish your work and need something to do or to take a break, you can tackle this. Everything else I am working on is off limits and I don't want you to touch it. I expect you to respect this boundary from here on, otherwise I will need to address your behavior with a superior". (he doesn't need to know that your boss has already been unwilling to deal with it) If hepersists despite these clear limits, I would suggest you go to human resources or kick it up a notch to the boss above yours.
Jeff's help is clearly not helpful when he disrespects your requests, regardless of his intentions and it's no wonder that the mere sight of him probably irritates you. Some people just don't get itwhen you are nice about confronting them as their own internal needs override any sense of consideration for your feelings and they won't change until their behavior begins to cause discomfort for them. If he dislikes conflict, your being more confrontational will make it harder to ignore you. Best of luck-it's a tough situation as people often don't understand unless they experience it directly and on the outside, Jeff manages to appear like just a "nice guy" when he's actually sabotaging you.

Answer 2

You need to bring this to the boss. It would be the supervisors job to intervene. If this dude is not getting his work done then the boss needs to address that. this person sound like a person with a low self esteem and he feels that if he helps you then you will be gratful and that will make him feel better. For some reason he is not getting satisfaction from doing his own work. He needs a job with less responsibility. May be he needs to be on a team so he can feel he is helping another person. I understand that you are a nice person and you don't want to hurt him and he can read that. That is probably why he is helping you and not helping someone else. Talk to the boss

Answer 3

Jeff seems alot like a power freak.
Forget Jeff It is YOUR life you need to worry about.
I think you need to pray & then speek to Jeff about how he makes you feel
How he makes you angry
& How you both can change some to be better co-workers,
& maybe even help each other at times.

You probably react so badly because you would like to be in control of your space you have every right to have that too. &
I think Jeff is the one with a problem - don['t let him get to you anymore mate, Gently speak your mind.

Answer 4

Sounds like Jeff is in love and wants you to not have so much "stuff" to do.At least jeff is there for you and helping. it can't be this bad that you are this freaked out. Maybe if you start not getting so frustrated and act like it doesn't bother you one way or the other, Jeff will step back!
Give Jeff some credit though........

Answer 5

You have to try again and talk to him in a calm manner. He has to understand that you do not like him to interfere in your work and you prefer do do things on your own.
Try to be gentle otherwise he can be offended, but try also to be firm in your explanation.