How do I deal with a parent who is emotionally frozen?

Question

My father (now 82 yo) has never been expressive - never shown love, pride, affection, anything. 2 yrs back, my mom died and he came to live with us (in a country where sons are "expected" to take care of elderly parents). Since then things have gotten worse. He has never bothered to make any kind of relationship with my wife, ignores his grandchildren, uses the car, family resources, etc and still remains very selfish and unconcerned. Some time back I lost my temper and asked him to make choices in life. He got upset and now wants to move to an old-age home - this makes me feel guilty and sad. I know my family and I will probably feel better if he moves. Social and family expectations however are different. Deep down, I love him and don't want to lose him either. I know I sound confused and any advice will help.

Answer 1

Tell him you don't really want him to leave, you want him to belong.

Answer 2

Perhaps your father grew up in a home where it was taught to not be emotional so he doesn't know how to. He is 82 and is not going to change his ways. I know it must be sad to not get any type of emotion out of him. I think you have to deal with it while he is still on this earth. I think you would regret letting him go to an old age home. Although it is not much he is probably doing the best he can. I would say there is some sort of tramatic thing that happened to him in his childhood and that carried through his whole life with him. Just know you made yourself a better person, father, and husband and that is something to be proud of.

Good luck!

Answer 3

The love for your father pours out strong. You have truly been there for him. I admire you! It's not easy to accept so much bad and so little good. You have morally done all you can for him. Now let him move in to the home. Let him see what his life will be like. You may be surprised when he calls you. And what he says. With a heavy heart I have to say: When he lost his life love most of his inner self/who he was past with her.
You can let go. You are a true son and a wonderful person. Do not put your self through any more guilt as their truly is no more there. Other than what you put in your self. He knows your not at fault. Believe that! He with out words has been telling you just that.

Answer 4

My elderly dad was also emotionally distant. You are projecting what you want onto your father. He can't be what you want. This doesn't make him a bad person. It sounds like his behavior is hurting your family. If he can't compromise (it sounds like you are a reasonable person) then he should go to the retirement home. You need to understand that you are probably not going to get a happy ending, but you are only human. Give the best you can to your father and don't have regrets over what could have beens that unfortunately never were.

Answer 5

Your father is probably a product of how he was raised --- were his parents expressive? For a lot of men, particularly ones of the older generation who haven't learned to be in touch with their feelings, the way they expressed their love for their family was by working hard and providing for them. It's amazing how many men think that should tell it all --- that there's no need to say the words or express emotion. Your father is probably very proud and very sensitive about the issue of living with you. As with any living arrangement there's got to be some "working out" to make it a harmonious arrangement. But it needs to be done with kid gloves on so as not to hurt feelings or get things hostile. Have you tried sitting down with your father and telling him how much you love him and how you appreciate what all he's done for you while growing up and all the things you learned from him? Several of my friends having noticed how expressive my family and I are --- telling each other we love one another regularly and hugging and kissing (you never know when it will be the last time you'll see them) -- have tried it for the first time in their lives with their parents who, like yours, were totally unexpressive and who had been trying all their life to get approval from their dad, in particular, and initially the Dad was shocked and didn't know what to say -- and then for the first time in his life he told his son that he loved him also --- my friend told me later what he had observed with my family and how he really wanted it for himself and what he had done ---- you'd be amazed how the walls can come tumbling down after a few kind words -- it may not happen the first time but just wait and try it again --- you'll be absolutely miserable if he goes in an old folks home -- and so will he-- he may be trying to test you by his bad behavior to see if you really want him there or if he's just in the way --- if you let him know how much he means to you he'll find it very very difficult to continue his bad behavior --- and perhaps he just needs to have it pointed out (not at the same time as you have your heart to heart, of course). Good luck!

Answer 6

Well I think you embarrassed your dad by yelling at him. Treating a proud man that cant express his emotions (they were taught not to) like he is a child. He probably is very fearful of going to a home but ask him when youre both calm. Take a very very long time to make the final decision. He is so old and they do not take care of the elderly in homes. It is possible he will be abused, underfed, and left to sit in his urine till he has sores. Read up on this stuff. Its awful. Im so afraid of them, no way am I sending my parents to a home. I just couldnt live with myself if I did.
I think you are just wonderful taking care of your dad. I can only imagine at this time how hard it is. You are so very special and please please know that he loves all of you, he just cant say it. Make him proud!
Good luck. Pray about everything.

joycemeyer.org she is very helpful to me. I hope she is to you as well.

Also, do you know how your father was raised? What he was treated like? Did anyone pay attention to him when he was a boy? Im sure he has tons of stories that you dont know about. Ask him. You will come to understand him better for it.

I do wish you both the best. This is a very hard situation.

Answer 7

This probably sounds harsh, but maybe you should call his bluff and let him move into a nursing home.

I do have a strong sense of duty to my parents and birth family, but there have come times when I have had to seriously consider the cost to meand take a step back.

Might be simplistic, but maybe you could try writing a "pro and con" page. Reasons for your Dad to stay, and reasons for your Dad not to stay.

Maybe you could try a separate page trying to look at things from his perspective.

He certainly seems to have a sense of "entitlement", though I'm not sure exactly how much he is reasonably "entitled" to.

Answer 8

Release yourself from this guilt. Help him move into a retirement home and then visit him often. Don't feel guilty. You deserve to have happiness too. Guilt is not a way to guide your life. He knows that. And so do you.. Visiting him is a great comprise. By the way, he'll probably enjoy being somewhere with is own peers more. We had the same situation in our family and the guilt is huge, and now 2 yrs later my grandma loves her new friends and life enough that she is happy to see us visit, but is glad when we leave so she can go back to hang with her friends. Strange huh? do it now, for you and for him.

Answer 9

Honestly i feel and believe that not only will your family and friends like the idea of your father going into a retirement home, I think your father may be happier there was well. He will not be alone and he will have others to communicate with. Just remember hes your father and no matter what choice you make it will be the right one if not for you but for him!

Answer 10

you think of this is problematic, wait till they're grown, moved out, have families of their very own and are too busy to call lots. You awaken sooner or later seem in the mirror and your mom is staring back at you. in one day all your pleasing clothing do no longer seem genuine anymore and the adult males that are your age to this factor appear as if your father...or worse your grandfather...who the heck is waiting for that?

Answer 11

Well since he's 82 and has always been like that, he's not going to change. Obviously, he felt hurt but is not expressing it and if he wants to move, then let him. You could always tell him that he's welcome to visit at any time. Good luck! n