Why does my ex have a defense wall up?

Question

I have a 4 year old son with my ex. He and I split because he said we needed time apart and I thought he wanted us to be over. I got with someone else and we continued to get back together on and off for 2 years after our 4 year relationship. I know want to get back together for our son to have a normal life and because I love this man, but didnt know the communication skills I needed to make the relationship work. NOW I DO! But he is in the military, has a girlfriend in Virginia, is stationed in Texas, and I am in Colorado. Although he comes back occasionally. He comes down one month wants to be close, comes down another and cusses at me because I am concerned hes not spending enough time with our son. I dont want to give up. I am trying to reconcile our relationship. And I am stuck. I let myself go while he was in the military. I gained over 60 pounds, and am not full of life as I was when we were together. Pleasehelp me any advice, why is he acting likethis does he care

Answer 1

Love yourself....
Dont beg for him....
Take pride in yourself....
the 60 lbs isnt teh issue, it is how you see yourself....

Here are some co-parenting websites....

Also, check out www.local.com for some local groups you can get involved wiht.... hte more you get out the better you will feel abotu yourself and the better you will look....

Answer 2

You said that he has a girlfriend, as sad as it is for you hunny, I would let him go, you had something at one time, and the seesaw effect that you are doing with him is not good for you or him. I know that you want to get back together but it doesn't seem like he does. If he gets mad at you then that is not a good thing.

I would start with you, figure out what you want in life, I mean outside of a man, if you want to get back in shape then do so, but just because you have a son together does not mean that you and your son can not be tons better with another guy. You need a guy that is going to stay with you all the time, not when it is convenient for him.

I am glad that you have the communication skills to make a relationship work, but it might not be with him.

Take time for you, don't worry about him, and if it was meant to be then it will be.

Answer 3

Ok...I think you need to try an save the marriage...ya know why?...its not your little boys fault that the two of you didn't have whatever the two of you needed, to keep the love alive but, your little boy sure as hell will be the victim of those choices you and your husband did or didn't make.So this is what I suggest. Next time he is in town you need to use those communications skills you say you now have and have a talk with him. In your talk you need to have a balanced mix of "I still love you " along with the very strong theme of "we need to stay together so that we don't have our son become still another victim of being the product of a one parent home. This part you need to stress to him in no uncertain terms. Let him know that it may not be always convienent but hey he was part of making this kid and so now he needs to be committed to living up to his responsibility by living under the same roof with his mom and make the best go of trying to salvage your marriage. He is in the military so he understands something about dicipline and responsility, so he may actually understand what you are trying to convey....Good Luck!

Answer 4

I think that you should move on...he has. I do not think that you are going to be able to get back into this relationship..it is null and void!
You need to keep having a "nice" relationship with him..as your ex...and whatever you do...don't harrass him...I think that is a huge problem...with a lot of parents...they harrass and the relationship between parents(or lack of) is sooo visible to the kid...and it also bothers the kid (s) as well.
Do not harrass the ex...just ask if he would like to come and spend time with his son for a bit...and if not..leave it alone...because you are NOT going to change this fella...and it won't help if you start to yell or belittle him. Just let things go...and live your life..and do better....Get yourself back to "feelin' good about you" and never mind him....HE'S MOVED ON....that is what you have to do ...for your son..and for YOU!!!

I hope good new things happen for you and your son...in the future!

Answer 5

For your sons emotional and mental health . Leave his father alone. Please love your self and move on with your life. And sit back and wait to see if he is a true deep hearted father to his son. It will help you learn if you want him in your lives at all. While reading your question and story and the Red Flags are flying non stop. He is not your meant to be life partner/soul mate. You will have the love in your heart for him that is a given. But you have more room in it for the right man.
No man or woman that thinks it is ok to treat some one they say they love like this is not morally in good standing. If people do not live life with morals and values it is a blind persons life they are living. Your young be true to your self and put you and your son first.

Answer 6

he doesn't feel he can really be himself, without being judged. he is seeing someone else and could feel guilty about that too. loose the weight, buy some new clothes, got to communicate also, very important in relationships. if u love him, make some changes, let him see those changes. if the relationship doesn't come back after awhile, give up on it, and find someone else to love.

Answer 7

He is acting like this because YOU cheated on your marriage. You "got with" someone else while you were sperated NOT legally divorced. You even refer to him as your "ex" when LEGALLY you are still married. You don't become "exs" until AFTER the final decree of divorce. He is hurt, you cheated on your marriage so he is dealing with conflicting emotions because of what you did. IF you were so concerned about your son why did you "get with" someone else instead of trying to work on your marriage? As for him not spending time with your son...you can't force him to see his son...hopefully if he files for divorce he will ask for visitation. I see no reason why he shouldn't file.