another poem...?

Question

look into your eyes, but i cannot for i will drown there inless pools of beauty

i look at into your hair, but i am blinded by the soft strands of silk glimmering into my eyes

i look into your face, i see a face of a goddes, yet i turn away for i am not worthy

such a beautiful person yet i cannot see you, but then i look deeper and deeper still, and i see something more magnifacent beautiful then your endless pools of beauty, something more magnifacent than your glimmering strands of silk, even more amazing than your heavenly face

i see a heart of gold, something kind and gentle, yet so strong and hard,

then my alram clock rings, the early morning sun shines into my eyes, and i wakeup from my dream that seemed so real, i think where can i find a person like that, someone with almost surreal beauty

i look behind me, to my left then my right, i search far and wide then i look in the most obviouos place

alas i have found the girl i have searched so hard with, but she was right infront of me all this time

Answer 1

Interesting!!! Try to be vague. You are really straightforward with your meaning, a love poem. This is about the perfect girl. You say face a lot in 3rd stanza, and in 2nd stanza you are somewhat redundant when you say blinded and later mention eyes. leave out the last three words of the 2nd stanza. Last stanza, you say alas, but maybe finally or another word to express your happiness (i assume) the 6th stanza could be rewritten. The Idea is so good, but the wording is somewhat awkward. Maybe "I am rudely stirred from my vison of surreal beauty. My mind races, where can it be found?" or someting like that (hopefully you get the idea. you could probably find a better line) last line, could be "I have found this elusive beauty I have been searching for, waiting for me, waiting all tis time." Again, you can find a better line.
You are doing well, and I don't want to make you feel criticized. maybe by bombarding you with all of these comments will send my message across.

Answer 2

Hmm.. take a look at this clip from the movie Dead Poets Society.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYuzT1NtYKI

Listen carefully to what Robin Williams (the teacher) says to the kid who did not do his poem. Watch carefully what he does to that kid too. Thats exactly what you need when you write your peoms. -- this is how i felt when i read your poem.

Answer 3

it's cool. not like most poems though