Should I end the marriage or not?

Question

Married husb almost 4 yrs ago. Was previously a widow before that with two small children. Sons are now 12 and 8. Husb is ok with the kids. He is more so with the younger than the older. Found out husb was emailing a woman this past Oct. I confronted both of them. Him face to face, her by email. I have tried to get past the BS of what happened, but it is still painful, even after therapy (he won't go to marital counseling). He lies about stupid things and has to "one up" even the 12 year old. I feel I have nothing to look forward in life in regards to our relationship. But I am scared of the effects of divorce will have upon two kids who already lost one father. It is starting to sicken me as I think about being intimate with my husband now. He talked to that woman and lied about so many things to make me look bad. I feel she is at fault too, because she continued to email him even after I contacted her. I cannot trust that my husband has stopped contact with her. HELP

Some are wondering why I felt the need to check his emails. He was acting funny for about a month and at the pc a lot. I installed a key logger. I have actually posted the emails that I caught in my blog on 360, without names or email addys. The woman he emailed actually said he had asked her to rendevous with him when he went on vacation to "visit his family". He still plans the visit to the family. I have mentioned several times he better NOT be in any contact with women other than his sisters. The kids and I cannot follow on this trip due to funds. Lately, my affection for him has diminished quite a bit. I was extremely in love with him. I can't find trust in him, he has not proven he cares about building trust again. His answer is to work on solution and not talk about the past. But how do you solve this problem without looking at past? He just isn't wanting to face it what he done. He said back in November he was sorry. But like most, he was sorry he got caught.

Answer 1

I know a person that was going through something similar to you but he was sick and the medication and stuff but i think that you should think not just of your kids but of yourself. If you know that this guy is not going to be anything good for your kids, then you dont want to put them in that position. Im going to tell you kids know when things are going on. I would just get away go sit by yourself and have coffee and think about this, maybe even go to a spa, take sometime, a couple of hours to think about this, or go to your church/mosque/synagogue and pray and seek guidance or talk to someone that you know thats knowledgeable...please dont keep this inside yourself, even if you have to talk to your pet, do that..lol..but talk to someone. I think that if it hurts so much that you should, my advice ofcourse as someone from the outside looking in, that you first hear his side, which i assume you did, then you should break it off, if he really cares and wants to change then he will, but dont get your hopes up ok, maybe hes just not the one. Im sorry about your previous loss, and the problems your are facing now, i wish you the best of luck and a lifetime of happiness. You have to think about yourself and your kids, no one else. Good luck.

Answer 2

An affair,relationship, friendship is never the cause of a break up between two people it is a sign symptom that there is something wrong in the relationship you already have.
Why do you feel the need to check his emails that shows you do not trust your husband why?
Does he have mental health issues as it looks from what you wrote he does. He sounds like he is a control freak having to have one up on a 12 year old.
Has he had children before as he may be finding coping with children difficult but to hard to tell you he may not know how to handle situations and perhaps this women is being a friend because he cant talk to you.
Instead of panicing, worrying and imagining all sorts you need to sit down with your husband and ask him sraight out why he is so unhappy and take it from there. You both need to lay your cards on the table tell him how unhappy you are and why ask him to do the same.
The key is comunnication and it sounds like there is a lot of shouting worrying imagining but not real talk.
be open honest with one another and only then can you decide what to do with your marriage no one else can do that for you.

Answer 3

A simple and straightforward answer to your question "should i end the marriage or not?"--yes, you should...straight away. You and your children can do sooo much better than this and you know it. This man is a cheater and will always cheat on you whilst you let him get away with it--you are better off out of it. There will come a time--(if its not already here of course:-/)--when your sanity will be affected by all of this--and if YOU are affected, then your kiddy's will be affected too, so my advice is to bail out now before you become so ill that it will affect you parental and family judgement. You must forget completely your comment about the effects a divorce will have upon your children--better for them to be unhappy in the short term, than ALWAYS unhappy in and around this situation that they are in for the longer term--as although divorce affects children in many different ways, within the family, at school, at play etc etc, children CAN be pretty resilient to its effects sometimes, and i feel sure that if the three of you all 'pull' together you will all be much happier as a family unit. There is no need for the three of you to be going through this, you all deserve and can do so much better in your life. Best of :-)

Answer 4

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Answer 5

You are being too hard on yourself. Your husband is immature mentally. Trying to one up a 12 year old? He's insecure as well. Would you rather raise your kids around this kind of person? I sure wouldn't! Maybe you are mad at him for this, who wouldn't be. You can try to 'catch him in the act' if he's actually cheating on you, or if he's just emailing her and that's it, that isn't as bad. But his lying is a bit much.

You might want to ease yourself out of this relationship and start looking for a new hubby. It's not like you aren't trying to make this work, HE is the one who is sabotaging this marriage.

You might have to tell your kids it's over because he's cheating on you. The older one would probably understand.

Answer 6

The basis of a good marriage is trust, without this, you have no foundation in which to build upon. I feel that it is not right for your children to be around someone who lies, he will set them a bad example. It is best for you and your children that you opt out of this relationship. It will be difficult initially, however, in the long term, your children will have the opportunity to benefit from a happier environment. Children are more resilient than what you give them credit for. In time, you will meet someone who will give you the love and commitment you and your children deserve. I wish you all the best! :o) x

Answer 7

I'm not going to ramble on at length. For your own sake and that of your children who are not his children I feel you should move on to pastures new. I'd go one step further and suggest that you discuss the matter with your children. I know it is strictly adult business but feel that it's only fair to them. They are entitled to give their opinion. In cases where a couple are divorcing and they have children of their own the situation sometimes arises that a Judge asks the children whether they want to live with their mother or their father.

Good Luck. I hope everything works out satisfactorily.

Answer 8

I wouldn't worry about how a divorce would affect the kids - I doubt he is much of a father figure. He is obviously a liar and a cheat. If he doesn't stop e-mailing her, he might end up going out to meet her. If he loved you, he would get rid of her, change his e-mail address and go to counseling. He doesn't sound like a man worth keeping to me. You and the kids would be better off, and happier, without him. Good luck

Answer 9

Your kids will pick up on your own unhappiness and this can be more cruel to them than another divorce by mom. Don't use them as an excuse to stay with a cheat. Life is too short to not admit a mistake in judgment. Do you and your boys a favor and get on out of this one.

Answer 10

I'm not an advocate of divorce, but in this case, I would urge you to consider a different aspect. Rather than thinking about the kids losing another father, consider how they are feeling right now. Maybe he treats them fine. But the kids see how he treats you, and they see your self-worth diminishing. If you are not happy in the marriage, then your kids probably aren't happy either. Good luck.