I started dating a man in October that told his ex-wife in September that he wanted a divorce. He filed for divorce in early October and we started dating mid-month. Yesterday, she recovered some deleted emails on his old home pc that were dated in October. He wrote that he loved me and wanted to say vows and make me his wife. I have been friends with him for 3 years. We fell in love quickly once we started dating. She is accusing him and me of having an affair. How do I convince her that we didn't cheat. Nothing happened until he filed for divorce. I know it seems unfathomable that we could fall in love so quickly but it's the truth. My heart hurts for her because I don't want her to think she was cheated on. They have 2 small boys (2 and 5) and she is telling them that he cheated and hurt her. Should I email her?
2007-03-09 11:15:01 · 24 answers · asked by SanFran 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do NOT e-mail her! Yes, she IS hurting, but she is NOT going to believe anything you say, so the best thing you can do, is stay out of it. This is between her, and her husband!
2007-03-09 11:21:28 · answer #1 · answered by olderbutwiser 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Just because you and he did not have sex, doesn't mean that it wasn't cheating. It was an affair, and emotional affair. You and he were emotionally committed way before he filed for or asked for a divorce. It's unfortunate that you and he allowed it to get out of control, because he and his wife did not have a fair chance to make things work. YOu said that you've know each other for three years? That means that he and his wife were still having sex, because they have a 2 year old child. In her eyes they were still "happily married" (in whatever sense of the word) if they made another baby together. However, what's done is done. You both will have to deal with the guilt, just remember what goes around comes around.
Emailing her will just throw salt into a painful, wound that will take time to heal..everytime she looks at her children she will be reminded of the relationship with her husband and the marriage that you took from her.
2007-03-09 19:33:07 · answer #2 · answered by Lisa D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, whether or not you two actually "got together" while they were together, isn't the issue. The issue here is very simple.. Her husband was sending lovey-dovey e-mails to another woman (that, being you) talking about how he wanted to get married and everything. And as a married woman myself, I can tell you.. what he did, IS cheating. It was so very wrong and inconsiderate of him to be sending you those e-mails while they were still together. So yes, I can definately see how she would think you two were cheating..
Another thing.. if they are not legally divorced yet, then what you are doing now (even though they are seperated, and the papers were filed) is cheating. If he is still legally married, it's adultury.. simple as that.
My advice to you, is to be very careful with this man. He had a family with his Wife.. and well.. you see how much that meant to him. So, don't be too shocked when one day you're in her place, finding e-mails and such.
If you two were "planning" on being together.. that's just the same as if you were cheating at that time. It's no better. What you are doing now, is cheating.. if he is not legally divorced yet.
You two should have really waited.. at least until their divorce was final. And you should have been woman enough to tell him that those e-mails were very innapropriate for him to be sending you, as he was a married man. That's just wrong.. and speaks very strongly of his character.
You know what they say... If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.
My heart goes out to his wife and children.. bless their hearts.
2007-03-09 20:40:56 · answer #3 · answered by arkiegirl 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You may not have been the cause for the separation, but since he is not divorced you are "the other woman" and no wife wants to her from her. If you really love him remain his friend, but bow out of the realtionship until his divorce is final. Your presence may be appreciated by him, but it is only going to make things more complicated and potentially worse for him through the precedings. It is very easy to fall in love with a good friend, but to people who have never experienced it it lools like your new boyfriend got a head start on being single.
2007-03-09 19:32:10 · answer #4 · answered by Franny 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If he filed for divorce and the divorce was not final and you slept with him thats cheating! And the emails sound like an emotional affair she should be hurt. Your best bet is to have no further contact with her let him handle her and the kids.
2007-03-09 19:22:42 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No! You shouldn't email her. Who cares if it happen after they had the divorce talk... you are in-between their family now and that means you have no right to bother her to make yourself feel better about this. You should feel bad if you are any part of tearing a family apart... you should have stayed out of it entirely until long after they had officially divorced... and if the divorce isn't final yet then she has every right to be mad at you both!
2007-03-09 19:21:43 · answer #6 · answered by thesiphone 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well... technically she's right - until he's actually divorced, it's considered an affair; doesn't matter when he filed for it. Face the truth - what she's telling the kids is true: he cheated and hurt her. Go ahead and email her if you want - you'll just make yourself look even more guilty.
2007-03-09 19:32:23 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
No, stay out of it. It's between him and the wife. He should have been more discreet. If he was at his and his wife's home e-mailing you that he loves you - it's just as good as an affair. Sounds like he made a bad call, and both of you have to live with it.
2007-03-09 19:26:00 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
No what ever you say to her she will not believe cause,she will think you are just in love with him or just stick up for him. Cause she her self is in love with him. Remember this is someone husband and she is hold on to some hard feels. Say if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel. Less you say is possible.
2007-03-09 19:27:56 · answer #9 · answered by momloveashlee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stay out of it. It already sounds like there is the potential for much drama. If your boyfriend wants to talk about her to you just listen, DO NOT offer advice or talk about her or even agree with his complaints...cause he will most likely pass them on to her. You only know his side of the story and it may be a little shaded.
She is hurting, but it is not up to you to offer any consulation. You would only ad fuel to the fire.
2007-03-09 19:37:01 · answer #10 · answered by answergirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Leave her alone, she will come to her own conclusions no matter what you say or do and you will only add fuel to the fire if you contact her. Hopefully you have mutual friends that have told her the truth and one day she may believe it. Right now she is just very angry and needs to grieve for her marriage.
2007-03-09 19:23:28 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋