Should I stay with or leave my wife?

Question

Last year, my wife and I "broke up" after a fight. The morning after the event, she emailed her friend to say that she wanted to go back to her "old ways". That same night, she went out and kissed a guy at a bar.

She came home begging that she would never do that again, and I took her back. When I asked her why she did it, she said that she was trying to forget about me.

Since then, she has given out her email to numerous male employees. The most recent is her acquisition of the phone number of a male employee she had originally said was hot, but also thought he was a jerk. When I asked her why she had his number in the first place, she got upset, she said I was controlling and told her workmates that I was jealous and a psycho. She also insulted me to no end and smashed a bunch of plates.

I'm really sick of it and am determined to leave her, but she keeps telling me that I'm a bastard for throwing away a five year relationship. What should I do?

Answer 1

I could give you all the advise in the world, but only you know what is in your heart. It looks more like she is throwing away a 5 year relationship with handing out her email and number. You can be the only one to make this decision because deep in your heart you know if she really loves you. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to that and pretend they do, so search in yourself and you will find that answer your seeking.

Answer 2

It sounds like your wife has some serious emotional insecurities which she is having difficulties dealing with. These are affecting you as well, and driving the two of you further apart.

First of all, spouses don't just "break up" after fights. They talk through the issues, try to see the other person's perspective, work through the frustration, collaborate, compromise, and come out stronger and closer in the end. This is obviously NOT what happened with you. You missed a step somewhere. The issues that started the fight (whatever they were) were obviously not resolved! And until they are resolved -- in a way which preserves the respect of the individuals as well as strengthens the teamwork of the pair -- you are going to keep coming up against the same things.

So, what was your fight about? I'm going to take a wild guess here and say that it was about a need that was not being fulfilled -- whether it be a need for respect, for affection, for stability, for companionship, for cooperation, or simply for reassurance that you are still the happy, hopeful, starry-eyed couple who people saw on your wedding day.

At times, some women may see a problem in their relationship and resort back to the old high school survival technique -- if you think you're going to be dumped, you better have a backup plan (or, in this case, a backup man).
The other possible explanation for your wife's sudden inexplicable behavior is that she is (consciously or subconsciously) trying to find someone to fill that need. For example, if a man at work gives her the attention that you neglect to show her, she may start thinking that the grass really is greener on the other side.

The only way to really remedy this is open, honest communication. Break down the barriers, put aside the hurt feelings, and get to the root of the problem. A woman who is happy with her relationship won't go out getting other men's phone numbers. Show her that you're putting forth the initative to make your relationship work, forget your own bruised pride, and learn and grow together from this experience.

Good luck!