Is this abuse?

Question

I have been married for 7 months, my husband works and untill one month ago i was a college student. We have one child and one on the way ( I am 9 weeks pregnant)

He now controls all our money and just recently spent 1 thousand dollars in a week on partying and drugs. He says since I dont make the money I dont have any say in anything and sometimes he dosent even come home after work cause he is drinking. He says that the apartment is his and if I dont like it I can leave, and he yells at me everyday to get a job cause i am sucking him dry. I have tried to get a job but it is hard cause I am pregnant, I did manage to get one job but I lost it cause he didnt come home to look after our son he stayed in the city to party.

Has anyone experienced this before? if so do you have any advice?

sorry i put it in the wring category and dont know how to change it now

Answer 1

yes sweetie maybe not physical but mental. you don't deserve that type of life

Answer 2

Then at the moment he is not at all a responsible father. If he still wants to hold and maintain the family together happily then he has got to start to realise, take responsibility and decide what is most important....drugs and drink or the family...most especially for the upcoming baby's sake, but he has got to WANT to take responsibility for the children for their living and there upbringing, he HAS to be there FOR his kids. If this is the case then you have to start asking yourself....is he going to be reliable to pay to look after the child? Is he going to be there for you when the waters break and when you have to be rushed to hospital, because I can very much imagine that it is going to be extremely difficult and hard work bringing a child up on your own and then you would have to rely on the rest of the family to look after it when you DO have to go to work, but if he really wants this upcoming child, then he HAS to put them first and leave the booze and the drugs behind for the time being, because (1) He has to be reliable to afford to bring up any children, (2) he has to be sober enough and have his wits with him to teach the children how to cooperate on things like, how to walk, how to behave etc, (3) if he continues this, there is a very big possibility that this behaviour would have a strong influence on the children therefore the kids when they grow up could automatically think it is OK to behave like that. An upbringing is a very delicate thing, and needs to be brought up in a responsible way, in a comfortable environment and a responsible manner. If it continues, you will also be in debt because you will have to pay to bring up the children and for your living on top of bills and stuff.

I think is more irresponsibility than abuse, but it COULD lead to abuse. I know this answer seems a bit of a mouthful, but the point is to help you and give you and the husband a chance to decide what is best for the family and the children before it gets any worse.

I hope this has helped you.

Answer 3

wow i don't know what to say!! for sure his attitude towards you is wrong and my next question is has he always been like this? Because it sounds like he barely started treating you this way. Could it be because of the child or how you said he is doing drugs and drinking so maybe that is getting to him and changing his behavior. I had the same problem too when i was pregnant with my first child my husband started acting up and being with his buddy's and drinking. My whole pregnancy i had no support from him because he was always with his buddies trying to live the single life again coming home until the next day. But after i had the baby he changed and he realized he was doing wrong. but in your case you already have a baby with him. So my advice is to get him some help as soon as possible becuase if he keeps on being like this he could hurt not only himself but you and your child...... because he is acting selfishly and he shouldn't be acting that way!

Answer 4

I'll tell you my situation. When I was 9 weeks, I was looking for a job too. I didn't think I would be hired because of it. I came to the conclusion you tell your little secret after you have been hired and everyone likes you. (I'm 30 weeks) I'll tell you something else---GET OUT. Everyone wants to beleive marriage is forever, myself included. I want to be a hopeless romantic, doesn't every woman? But 30 weeks is 7.5 months. We are not married, but engaged, and he only got a steady employment less than a month ago. Talk about stress! But he's a good man and one i would want for the father of my children to grow up around. Is your husband? Do you want your kids to grow up fishing Dad out of some bar, or him screaming at you or them? Do you wan to spend your life wondering where he is, what he is doing, and where on earth your financial security is coming from? Now is a better time to think about it than later in the pregnancy.

Answer 5

If you have family or a good friend close by, pack some bags and leave for a few days. I'm going through a divorce right now, and you're living my past. Things were great until we had our 1st daughter and when I got pregnant with our 2nd (which was right away), he never was home, he did what he wanted, and was a total asshole. Think of what is best for you and those babies... you deserve love and respect. If he isnt willing to give it to you, then don't be with him. Love yourself.. and everything will fall into place!

Good luck sweetie!

Answer 6

oh honey, this is emotional abuse on so many levels. this is just not a good situation to be in, and honestly i'm afraid it could get worse. my only suggestion is that he needs some councelling and you need stability...your husband should not be out partying and doing drugs when he's got a family to support, and if you only have one vehicle and he wants you to get a job then he needs to make himself available for rides and whatnot, oh there are so many things i could say cuz i'm angry with your husband right now. he has no right to treat the woman he loves and has married like that, and especially since she's bearing his child...grrr...don't ever get the mind set that this is your fault and that you are the reason he's mad at you, he's got something mentally wrong with himself that he needs to deal with, and he's psychotic. please talk to your family (your mom, dad, etc) this is not healthy and i would really hate for it to go any further. maybe try to talk to him and make him understand how he's making you feel (however i fear that it could escalate into more than that in his head)...that's really all i can give you, i wish you and yours the best...

Answer 7

Here's my situation: I am married and I don't work either, but I expect my husband to be responsible with our income and all spending is transparent and we work out a budget together. Although I don't work, my husband values my contributions to the family: I keep the home neat and clean and prepare food, and soon will be a full-time mother. Everyone pitches in to their capacity.

Even if your husband controls the finances, you should be allowed to insist he is responsible with it, for the sake of the family and the future of the family. The apartment is BOTH of yours-- you are married and a team now, and share everything. Maybe you can calculate your household expenses, figure out how much daycare would cost if you worked. It might turn out that it's cheaper for you to be a stay-at-home mom.

The dude obviously has not developed a sense of marriage life. I think you should insist to him to get marital counseling. Maybe your religious institution offers that for free. If he won't do that, then get a marital counseling workbook and go through it with him, telling him it's so important to you and you love him so much and want the marriage to be stronger. You have to realize that it's also possible he has real and fair grievances but does not know how to communicate them to you. Dear woman, if he is not willing to work on the marriage for you, and continues to disrespect you and not desire a loving relationship, maybe you need to consider leaving. It's not healthy for you or your children to be around that kind of hostility and coldness.

Answer 8

Girl get out of that relationship now.. he is only using you and now that you are pregnant.. he just seems to have lost interest in you. I do not think you should put yourself in this kind of situation. If he can spend a 1000.00 on drugs and drinks.. then you can get some good child support and alimony and make him pay. I just don't understand how men think.. you are better than this and make sure you do not get brought down by any man. Good luck.

Answer 9

Yes, it is abuse, it is actually considered a form of domestic violence. I went through this with my soon to be ex husband and it was awful. The financial threats were always the worst, its why I stayed so long. If things get really bad, you could get a CPO, civil protection order, you can ask your local police dept about it, document everything, they could also order him to continue paying the rent or mortgage) why should you have to leave? You always have the option of leaving if you wish or if you feel you are in jeopardy if you don't feel like going that route. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Honey, you already know the answer to this question, of course this is completly unacceptable, when you are married everthing that is his is also yours and visa versa. If he doesnt want to be a responsible parent and a supportive husband then you need to leave and find someone who will. Since he is the financial provider for your family he will be ordered to pay child support and possibly spousal support, so quit wasting your time and do you and your kids a favor and hit the road.

Answer 11

My advice is to swallow your pride, pack your bags, and go back to live with your parents, your sibling(s), or some other kind relative or close friend. Then proceed with a divorce and getting full custody and child support payments. Your ex will then get visitation rights.

This guy is a loser and things wil only get worse. Yes, I think its abuse. You might need some counseling to help you get over this and figure out why you are involved with someone like this.