Desparate sounds echos around
Open the toy chest try to take a rest
Rest your eyes that despie all lies
Well baby in your ballerina dress
Your hair is a mess and that face is deranged
All the other childern in the school play yard wonder
What happen to your face? What happen to that face?
In the school yard stick and stones scattered beneath the mary janes
Skip a rope and that heart beats hopes just try to rest your eyes
Cuz honey there going to be sew up at night
Well she didn't even put a fight her little night gown trickled in blood
Honey do you think it's funny? When mommy and daddy open the play pen and always wonder if your dead
So go to school now run off and learn some math draw a couple of graphs till those fingers turn some black
Break off now
Your a little girl lost in this world broken string of pearls
Run along now touch the ground
Mommy and daddy want you to look your best all well dressed
Well that's impossible straighten that hair paint the lips
We can still see right through yah
Your a haunting child mermory never to be or be seen
Crospey dolly in gown sew up eyes may I say no more
Ribbions litter shattered glass
The past follows recollect
So go crospey dolly her name is molly
She has no friends at all
Rest that little weary head
^I wrote this poem awhile ago.I guess if you read it the poem explains what I feel right now about my childhood.What do you think about this poem? can you tell the point that i was trying to get across?.
2007-03-09 06:54:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
No, I don't get what your trying to say. The poem (?) kind of rambles in different directions, it makes sense and then it doesn't and then it does again, a little too scattered.
Also quite dark and morose!
2007-03-09 07:11:03 · answer #1 · answered by Chatty 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it, it's an all right poem, but I think it would make an even better song. You should work on your spelling and grammar and it's a bit off beat. It looks like you randomly start new lines whenever you feel like starting a new one and it just throws the poem off a bit and makes it a bit hard to understand, but it's good. Just brush it up a bit, and you can add punctuation in poetry...it helps to add emphasis and such. It sounds like you've had a sad childhood...your poem sounds like it could be some "emo" band's lyrics or something. I kind of agree that it does sound a bit like you're trying too hard, but that's all right, just brush it up a bit, change a few words to help with the flow. Oh, and give it a title. =D Happy writing.
2007-03-09 17:10:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Assonance is so important... This reminds me of a jewish man reading hebrew in English in that it has hard, forced, sounds... Cacophony abounds!
This poem has too much similar sound plopped down haphazardly in all the wrong places and I couldn't get past that long enough to actually make note of what you were trying to say.
Counter intuitive and counterproductive...
Reiterate a bit and work out the kinks and remember SOUNDS are just as, if not more important than rhymes and meter...
2007-03-10 13:30:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life is like that when you think to hard about it. let go and let God .with all your worries and troubles.I lost my family and home in a disaster. my Friends or dead now.life sure is not right sometimes. but i trust in the spirit of God which directs my path & comforts me.
i love your poem.as i can relate.I had a weird childhood in a lot of aspects
I wish you the best, stay positive and have faith. OK?
2007-03-09 16:21:20 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
i think that you are trying to hard. try to just get across what you are feeling. you are repeating it too much. at the end when you say her name is molly that just does not fit. good work.
2007-03-09 15:00:01 · answer #5 · answered by littleluvkitty 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is creepy as hell. I wish I never read it. You might want to see a psychiatrist.
2007-03-09 14:58:11 · answer #6 · answered by KC Slim 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I dont get it!
2007-03-09 15:05:18 · answer #7 · answered by BOOTS! 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
are you emo? if you are, wow, it's great!!! if your not, i would seriously recommend getting some help.
2007-03-09 14:59:25 · answer #8 · answered by i totally agree with you!! not 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you're a very sad person.... maybe you should try singing.
2007-03-09 15:28:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I get it.
2007-03-09 19:04:47 · answer #10 · answered by Revelation S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋