Do you like the beginning of my story?

Question

The sun was already high in the sky and the little maritime town was basking under it's beams, full of many tourists and excursionists. The sea, crystal clear and smooth, had rised in front of the serene sky and was shining like a giant morror, reflecting the light. It's cool streams had already attracted the first foreigners of the day and on the beach were now playing a bunch of infant children.

Far from all that clamour Frank was sitting in coolness in the anteroom of the historic museum and was watching with half-opened eyes the street outside the window. The room was empty, well-appointed and the sun, which was shining on the edge of the persiennes couldn't reach inside. The couch, on which was Frank sitting was soft and comfortable and therefore he had stretched his arm behind it's back, so that he could sweep with a glance all around him. For few minutes now nothing had happened so Frank closed his eyes and called to mind his first fisit of the museum...

Sorry if there are any mistakes. I'm not a native speaker...

Answer 1

i think its very good i got the image of what you were saying in my head and when it was over i wanted to read more!! and you always know when the start of a book is good because you never want it to end and you want to here what happens next!!! also its very good considering you dont speek english i liked it : ) **good luck**x

Answer 2

Oh dear.

I understand that you are not a native English speaker but I can't get past the grammatical errors.

You must start your story with as hook - a sentence or paragraph that immediately grabs the reader and makes them want to read more. Talking about the sun's position in the sky is flowery and cliched. It does nothing for me.

Answer 3

I agree with the others that say the beginning sentence and paragraph is not very attention grabbing yet. The last sentence in your first paragraph is becoming a run-on sentence, meaning it is too long. You should probably break up the sentence to make your words flow easier for your intended readers. Also, I would suggest making use of the check spelling/grammar options on your computer. They work wonders for me.

Answer 4

It sounds a tad too poetic and you shoudn't use big words inless they run smoothly in the sentence. In your second paragraph you may want to replace "that clamour" with "the clamour." Try moving words around and read it to yourself. Another hint to see if your writing is good is to wait a couple days then go back and read it. You'd be amazed what you'll find. Please check your spelling and grammer and you'll be on your way to a great story.

Answer 5

I like it
I would change "and on the beach were now playing a bunch of infant children" to
"and a group of infants were blisfully at play along the shoreline"
(this allows the word "day" and "play" to be in sufficient proximity for rhyme...it just sounds better...)
...just a thought :)

Answer 6

so long as when he get up he goes on a killing spree and you menage to describe the blood gore and death in high detail, then it could be OK, other than that it all sounds really cheesy and would not be the start of a book worth reading

ps ok its not your native toung or whatever but really you should avoid writhing books for the english market

Answer 7

It feels lofty/wordy. You made a good effort but as mentioned earlier you need a solid distinct hook.

Answer 8

a bit too wordy for me. say more with less. also sometimes too flowery. not bad though.

Answer 9

sounds good

Answer 10

pretty good so far