8 days since disclosure - I have been fine. Now I am a wreck. I don't want our marriage to end, and I can't imagine having to leave him. I feel such despair.
2007-03-09 05:22:02 · 55 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He was "bi" before we married, but had never been with a man. We had THE chat as in honey, are u sure I'm enough? Now he feels the need to initiate relations with a man. We both love each other dearly. He wants to stay married with me allowing him to have men on the side. And he is attracted to me - and I still am to him.
My biggest problem is how to let him go when we love each other so much, and we are both so incredibly sad right now. I have no issues whatsoever with gay people, and I'm very open. I just don't see how the marriage can work if he is having relations with someone else, be it man or a woman.
2007-03-09 05:31:49 · update #1
He has now been with another man. Since he disclosed I urged him to be the man he is supposed to be, and that we would have to divorce. This broke his heart. Anyhow, a week ago he met up with a man and found out for sure. He says kissing him is different than kissing me - it feels "right".
There's no doubt that if we stayed married then he would have to act on this. I know, I know. Why would we stay married? I'm just SO comfortable with him. He has become part of my identity. He has been through hell, and I'm trying to support him, but now today I have entered my own hell. I know nothing about the stages of grief or anything - I saw a counsellor a few days ago and I was FINE. Today I crashed, and he is out of town. I can't tell my parents yet - can't imagine how to. Some friends know. I don't even have the gumption to call anyone. Just feel despair, rejected, and like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff.
2007-03-09 05:42:04 · update #2
You'd be amazed at how often I've actually seen this in real life... Obviously, I cant take the pain away for you but I can try to ease the fall a bit.. Im not sure how many ppl would agree with this, but isn't it better that your husband is gay and for u to break up in order for him to find his true lifes calling. I personally think this is easier than if he was to leave you for another woman.. I know this situation is very unfair and crushing your world right now, but its not that your husband doesn't love u or that he doesnt find u exciting anymore. He has just finally admitted to himself and to you for that matter, that he is gay..
U might ask the question then - Why did he marry me and let me fall in love with him if he's gay...?????
My answer would be, that being gay is something that he would've pushed as far out of his mind all his life. He probably even had himsel convinced that he was straight all that time. But eventually these things catch up on us,... No matter how hard we try, we cant change who we really are..
Im sorry I cant be of more help to you, and my way of thinking might be a bit off the wall .
I wish you all the best with this,, and remember - Its NOT your fault.. Lean on your friends or family in your time of need...
Hope this helps a bit..., x
2007-03-09 05:34:23 · answer #1 · answered by Point 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow ... you took a real hard one right to the gut!! I am so sorry. Okay, what does he think he wants to do? Has he said how he feels about you? Is there already someone else, or is this just a realization?
Is it an option for him to continue to live and love with you and remain a celibate homosexual?
If he's staying, you two have some serious therapy in your futures. If he's leaving, then you have some therapy in your future. The big thing for you to realize is you've done nothing wrong. This is a choice that he has made. Unfortunately, it totally turns your world upside down, but once you get it turned back right, you will recover. It hurts like hell, but you'll eventually be okay. And maybe you will trust another again, and that one will be as deep as it sounds that this one had been. I mourn with you.
Additional thoughts with your additional info:
I'm with you. I don't think this will work with extra people in it. If this marriage has any chance at all it's going to take a professional for help. The two of you need to get into counseling. You need an objective person to help you sort all this out. Get worked in as soon as possible next week. He needs to wait regarding initiating anything new until the two of you decide together what to do with your relationship.
2007-03-09 05:34:04 · answer #2 · answered by Dino 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Here is a question for you
does
sex=love
or does
intimacy=love
?
He loves you right? You love him right? He is interested in having a relationship with someone else and staying with you. Is that correct? If he still loves you and is attracted to you, he isn't gay. he is bi, and wants to experience what it is like with a man.
I don't see a problem there, as long as you both can act upon those types of urges. So if you wanted to go out and have sex with a man, it should be ok. Same if it was a woman.
Marriages are designed to protect the families and provide stability. If you both agree to this type of activity, and can still love each other and have intimacy, then I don't see a problem.
The biggest issue is that there are issues of jealousy, and then when/if other people find out about it there is social stigma.
2007-03-09 05:41:11 · answer #3 · answered by Adorabilly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay so he's gay, you were shocked, you have the right to yell scream and be angry. Now you are a wreck, this process is much like greaving over someone who has died. You will go through a lot of the same emotions because the person who held so high fell off your pedistal. Talk to him, find out what he wants and express what you want. See if he still wants you in your life and let him know you don't want to lose him. Find a common ground and see how the two of you can still keep a relationship if not the sexual and intimacy but a loving relationship. go rent this movie :Normal, came out in '03
Its somewhat of a similar prodicument as yours but might give you some insite to some rash decisions you'll need to make.
2007-03-09 05:32:18 · answer #4 · answered by Emily M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't jump or do anything drastic!
You have to make a choice:
1. Stay married and allow him to cheat and accept it.
2. Get divorced and leave him behind to bang anyone he wants.
Either way, if you two have been intimated after he was with someone else, I would get tested. Protection is not perfect.
I personally would not stay with my wife if I found out she was with another man or women. Once either person goes outside the marriage for companionship, the foundation of marriage – trust – is gone. Stay married and be unhappy and always guessing. Get divorced and things will get better, the the guessing disappears. Find a man who knows what the meaning of marriage is – committment till death do you part.
2007-03-09 05:59:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can understand your pain and how hard this must be for you. But being comfortable with someone is not a reason to stay together. Cheating is cheating, and it is ALWAYS wrong. It seems so overwhelming right now, but believe in yourself and believe that you WILL BE OKAY. You have your health and the rest of your life in front of you. Just because you guys can't be married to each other doesn't mean you have to cut each other out of the picture completely either. At first, you should limit contact with him, but after a year or so when you have had time to heal, I bet you guys will be able to be friends. Good luck to you...remember that you are not alone and there are so many things to be thankful for in life. Keep on keepin' on girl!
2007-03-09 07:24:17 · answer #6 · answered by cita8200 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you already know your choices:
1. Let him do whatever and ignore it.
2. Divorce
3. He keeps his urges down and stays "happily married" to you.
Although option 3 is almost certainly the option of choice, it is also the one most likely to fail. Strong will or not, if he's gay, he's gay.
I'm really sorry, but it looks like it's over. I wish I could wave a magic wand, but I can't.
EDIT: any chance your name is Monica?
I have a good friend who went through something similar. He had some funky reactions to meds for serious liver problems that made him "come out of the closet". Now he is miraculously not gay anymore and they worked it out. I am suspicious that he is still gay and just behaving, however. IF he's even behaving (she found out he actually had about 30 gay lovers before she found out).
Good luck, but I bet it's over.
EDIT again
OK it is almost certainly over. Call a lawyer. This doesn't have to be a fight, but make sure you and the kids (?) are protected. It doesn't mean you have to be enemies, but you can't stay husband and wife.
2007-03-09 05:40:26 · answer #7 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are you asking? Should you leave or stay? What? Your husband is gay can you ever be sure he won't sleep with another man. He probably married you for all the wrong reasons. Not saying he don't love you. But are you willing to take the risks. He's been on the "DL" this long I would get tested for everything. You can't ever be to safe. Why would you want a marriage that started in a lie? He put you at risk by not telling you sooner. Haven't you heard the statistics, more women get HIV or AIDS from men who on "DL". Girl wake up.
2007-03-09 05:29:57 · answer #8 · answered by momseekinganswers 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
how can you be happy with someone who loves another? i can't even imagine how you feel. if he was having an affair with a woman, would you still feel betrayed? he is going to need your support as well as you need it too. what are the consequences of his actions. did you two have unprotected sex? this is something that needs to be considered. it will hurt, but you need to find a way out of this marriage. it will do you no good on trying to hold on to him. does he want to leave and start his new life in the one that he has chosen. let him go so he can be happy. and pray and keep strength, because it was nothing that you caused or did. god bless you ,and i'll pray with you.
*how could he have been *bi* before you two were married, but he never had relations with a man before?* if he wants to see other men. then you need to let go.
2007-03-09 05:35:01 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't have sex with him any longer, because you don't know if he's explored his sexuality with another man, and if he has whether or not he used protection. I would talk to him to see what he wants to do. Did he meet someone else? Is he planning on having a relationship with this person? Does he want a divorce? You need to communicate to find out what you both plan on doing, because if he's your best friend, then you guys will have to go to counseling to discuss how to maintain the friendship above all, or even explore whether or not you want to! Also, whether or not to leave, because you can't stay with someone who doesn't want to be married any longer.
You'd be suprised how many relationships can be salvaged. At least for the friendship and support. However you deserve to be happy too. Best of luck.
2007-03-09 05:30:41 · answer #10 · answered by Lisa D 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋