How do you get someone to put things back where they got them from when they are done using them?

Question

I have been a wife and step-mother for three years and now a mother for three months. I am slowly watching my house turn into a disaster area! I had an extremely hard time keeping up with everything before the baby, now it seems impossible! Sometimes I think I could handle it if my husband and his son (mostly my husband) would just put things back where they got it from when they are done using them! I want to be a good homemaker, wife, and mother but I am beginning to resent my husband for not doing his part. We haven't been intimate more than twice since the baby and I fear for my marrage and my family. Any advise??

I have been a wife and step-mother for three years and now a mother for three months. I am slowly watching my house turn into a disaster area! I had an extremely hard time keeping up with everything before the baby, now it seems impossible! Sometimes I think I could handle it if my husband and his son (mostly my husband) would just put things back where they got it from when they are done using them! I want to be a good homemaker, wife, and mother but I am beginning to resent my husband for not doing his part. We haven't been intimate more than twice since the baby and I fear for my marrage and my family. I have tried everything! Hiding things that they've left out, family meetings, even throwing away things!!! Nothings seems to work! What should I do?

Answer 1

Congratulations on your new baby and do understand that this is a brief period in your life. Your goal should be to enjoy that baby... he or she won't be a baby for long. The house can be spotless again when she's older... or after she's moved out as an adult!

Ask for help in a loving, not judgemental, way. Tell your husband that you are exhausted since being pregnant for 9 months followed by 3 months of being a mother. You don't get much sleep. The sleep you get is often interrupted. Having a new baby is a full-time job and you won't be able to do as much as you did before. My bet is that you don't feel as much like being intimate right now because you're exhausted. This is how it is for new mothers. It's not unusual for your sex life to slow down a bit during the time when there's a new baby in the house.

What ever you do, do not discuss it in a, "You never help!" sort of way. What can be quite effective is to point out some things he already does that are helpful. Does he go to work every day? Does he mow the lawn? Does he make sure the car is running? Does he make sure the family computer is running? Find something he does that you appreciate and bring it up- often. Let him know that these things really help and make your life better and easier and that you really appreciate him for doing them.

When you ask him to help, understand that he may not get into the habit instantly. It may take gentle reminders. But when he does, thank him sincerely. It sounds like a small thing, but we often say, "Well, he's supposed to do it anyway- why should I thank him?" The reason we should thank people for the small things is that it makes them feel like doing them again.

Be sure to thank him any time he does anything you appreciate... from a kiss on the cheek to running to the store to taking care of the kids for an hour so you can grab a nap. (And if he doesn't do that, ask!) Not only does this build him up it makes helping you fun rather than just something he does to stop the nagging (not that you nag, I'm just saying it can be that way.)

But it also switches your point of view and you can start to appreciate him and what he does more, too... sometimes when you have little kids you're so tired and wrapped up in being a Mom it's hard to see that Dad is doing quite a bit, and is tired, too. (I do understand it's not the same- I raised 2 kids, but Dads are wakened in the night, too, and they love the new baby, too.)

Oh, one more thing. If you have family nearby or close friends, ask someone to babysit for a couple of hours so you can rest or shop in peace. We used to swap Friday nights with our bro- and SIL and it gave us some precious time alone without the kids to just be a couple. Also do it when you're just so tired you're getting frustrated with your kids or whatever. (It happens to every new parent. Accept help!)

Good luck to you and your family. I have a feeling everything will work out.

Answer 2

Hi. U r a mate; not a maid. When u said, "I do...", it didn't mean, "I'll do everything or I'll do everything alone."
I firmly believe that love means making each others lives easier...not harder. If everybody did chores, there'd be more free time for other things. By the way, ladies need to stop saying that people should help around the house. "Help" can be construed to mean that something doesn't have to be done; that there's a choice. Also, we shouldn't nag. Remember women, we're partners; not a husband's mother; not a maid; etc.
You can also push ur husband's stuff onto his side of the bedroom while yours is neat. When he has no more clean socks, underwear, etc....oh well. Do the same w/ ur kids, too. Don't let them become your travel agents...for guilt trips. (Smile.) Take care.

Answer 3

For the son: If he leaves his stuff around, just chuck it in to his room and let it get wrecked. If he leaves his school books and homework scattered all over the table, give him ten minutes to come back and clean it up, and then just pick it up and throw it in to his room. He will be held accountable, and should get the message pretty quick. Remember, it's HIS problem, not yours, if he's a pig. You're giving him a chance to learn from the consequences of his actions.

For your husband, it's trickier. He's had longer to have bad habits ingrained, and many people don't think it's important to raise their sons to be neat since their wives will supposedly pick up after them. Bring up the baby. It's genetically half him. Not only that, YOU had to go through nine months of pregnancy and hours of labor. So with that in mind, it wouldn't kill him to maybe help out, would it? What you can also do is start just cleaning up your half of things. I.e, he leaves his clothes on the bathroom floor after taking a shower? Kick them in to a corner and let him see the consequences. Try not picking up after them for a week and let them see what happens.

Before doing that, have a family meeting. Point out that you aren't a slave, and they can't go through their lives being pigs. You enjoy being a wife and mother and want to do it, but that doesn't mean that you're subordinate to their wishes and lack of control. Then say what's going to happen, and stick with it. Don't just do it for a week and get all stressed out the whole time. Just be calm (or seem that way) and let all the crap accumulate. Keep your areas clean, whatever they may be, and if they won't stay on top of the kitchen you should do some basic degrubbifying every day (to keep bugs away, etc) and you might have to do the dishes.

If after all that, it doesn't work, take everyone to a family counselor. He or she will at least be a new voice; I know I kept on blowing off whatever my mom said to do until an outside authority told me not to. Not out of malevolence or anything, but I ended up knowing that she'd scream and yell for a minute, then do it anyway. I felt bad, but it really didn't occur to me to just clean up.

Answer 4

Set some time aside for yourselves ONLY, similar to a date where just the two of you are together be it dinner, movie etc. Your child is very important obviously but you guys have to have time alone or else you might end up drifting apart. Try to do something like that once a week find someone you trust to watch the kid for two hrs or so at a min. This might help, just my opinion. As far as the cleaning I am guilty of the same stuff i dont always put stuff back where it belongs and it makes me waste so much time looking for things since they are not where they should be. I would get a hamper or plastic storage tub for the hubby and dump all the stuff thats scattered around in it, just keep piling it up and the next time he is looking for something in that mess of a tub he will realize how messed up everything is. I hope the tub suggestion won't cause any fights depends on your existing relationship. Try to reach a compromise with things so that it doesnt become one of those my way or the highway things since that tends to make things worse.

I am no counselor just an avg joe.

Answer 5

Ask for some temporary paid help around the house. Hire someone, yourself. If your husband will not go along your request then sit him down and tell him you are in over your head and he - at least must help you.

If you husband and his child(ren) are going to use you as a door mat; then maybe you should opt out of the marriage. A man should be more in tune with his wife's needs, especially after she's just had a baby.

Do you know his Mother very well? Ask her to come help you with the baby and so forth for some weeks.....or ask your Mother. If he minds them being around; then tell him he needs to pick up his half of the chores and get his kids to help out around the house.

Answer 6

Since you are dealing with stubborn individuals, the best I can suggest is to not take responsibility for certain things they leave out. If your husband leaves the milk on the counter, .leave it there. Let it rot - and when he wants milk later and it has gone bad use that time to explain to him why he needs to pitch in.

You are a new mother and you do not need all this extra stress. Hopefully if he does not always have the convenience of you putting everything away for him then he will start to get the idea.

Answer 7

The step son is going to be easier to train than the husband. My husband is also TERRIBLE with this kind of stuff and I still have yet to find a way to get him to pick up his things. I've tried hiding them, playing dumb when he asks where things are, leaving it out for him to take care of....*sigh* and none of it has worked. In your case though, you have a bit of leverage with his son. I guarantee you that his son will be a lot more upset if he loses his things because they were not put away and will be a lot more careful about picking up after himself. So the next time SS leaves things out, round them up and hide them as has been suggested. Hopefully, he pitches a big fit at which point you can calmly tell him why he has lost his privilege of using those things. Then tell your hubby what has happened and explain that you need his support in correcting his son of this problem and his help in setting a good role model by picking up his own things. If all goes well, this will guilt trip your hubby into taking better care of the house with you.

Answer 8

That is one of the hardest things in being a family. I never got anywhere by being upset. Some otherwise very nice people feed on that. Communication and mutual respect is the key. You need for your husband to take a hand in your problem. He will if it's his idea. Tell him your problem and how much it is upsetting you and that you really don't know what to do about it. Don't accuse him or single out his son. You want help and make sure he understands you'll take all that you can get. Lately I have seen a show called "The Nanny" you might want to contact her. Good luck.

Answer 9

Why does this have to be a situation of YOU training THEM? Did you ever stop to think that perhaps you are being a bit too touchy and perfectionist? You don't say they leave messes all over the house, only that they "don't put things back." Maybe you are trying too hard to keep your house looking like a showplace to actually enjoy it as a place to live? And maybe your ideas of where things belong don't jibe with theirs. They are part of the family too, you know. If you have a talk with them about YOUR desires of things being returned to their places, Let them talk about their feelings on the matter too. And try to be a good wife and stepmother by actually LISTENING to them like you'd want them to listen to you. You can't just jump into this thinking you're going to change everything to fit YOUR ideas of how the household should be run. It's going to take some compromise -on both sides.

Answer 10

I dont know...but when you find out tell me as I am still trying to train myself to do this.

Its hard to do if you werent taught when you were young...and some people are just scatterbrained. It seems like second nature for some people....I get kind of jealous. Maybe I need someone to put a shock collar on me...?

You could try a game where your husband puts a dollar in a jar every time you catch him doing it...and then use that money to pay for a maid...

I also vaguely remember my grandmother hiding all my toys away that I didnt put away in a trash bag...and not letting me use them for a while. I think that worked but it faded after I moved in with my mother.