I am seriously considering having an affair!?

Question

I love my husband, but his past family problems are taking a toll on him and our relationship. He is depressed and says he doesn't believe in family. Yet, he says he loves me more than I could ever know. This all started happening about 2 weeks ago, First it was about the sex, or the lack thereof. I know that he is dealing with serious trauma from his childhood. I try to be supportive but it isn't enough. I need to feel loved and appreciated and I'm about ready to take matters in my own hands and get what I need emotionally and physically. I'm going crazy! What do I do?!

I guess what I failed to clarify is that we having been talking until we are blue in the face. I have done everything to let him know I am there for him. I have been letting him know that it's not his fault. He's even started going to counseling. And I said this started within the last two weeks, but it actually escalated in the last two weeks. What do you do when someone you love is hurting that much and you can't help them. Yes, I may be feeling selfish at this point, but I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even function at work. I've lost 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks. What am I supposed to do? We moved to a place where neither one of us has family or close friends. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to lose my mind too...one of us has to be sane.

Answer 1

Classic example of letting his past ruin his future! Just ask him if he would rather dwell on past hurts or have a happy life with you from here on out. Make it clear you want a real future, not one where everyone in his life gets punished for old pain. Alas, if he cannot see what you are talking about, walk out first. You might try telling him "any person with a gun can control your body-you have to hand over your mind!" There is no reason for both of you to feel bad over his past-you have the right to a happy life. This is not all about him.Loving you "more than you'll ever know" is pretty hollow with no action to judge from.

Answer 2

You took a vow and made a promise to "have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health". Your husband is crying out for help and you're thinking about having an affair? Shame on you! Get some counselling. Spend time talking with your husband. Ask him how you can help. Tell him what you need. Maybe your husband needs to feel needed and wanted and appreciated. So, let him know what you need and how you need to help each other. Sometimes you should just cuddle without talking and if you work together, you'll find that there aren't too many problems that are too big for you to overcome as a team. If your husband tells you that he loves you more than you will ever know, you are already loved and appreciated and you are so far ahead of the ball game. Why would you want to settle for a cheap flop?

Answer 3

Affairs may sound like a quick fix but they can also cause tremendously painful emotional turmoil. Especially if you start developing strong feelings, then you are faced with feeling a need to choose between two people you care about. Yo u need to deal with the situation yo have with your husband now. If you can get counseling together that would be great. But if you don't want to be with him anymore, maybe you should separate. Just best to deal with those issues first, and then maybe find a new love if this one doesn't work out. Good luck!

Answer 4

I had similar problems throughout my marriage, I didn't feel I was getting what I needed from my husband emotionally. I was very lonely and decided to have an affair. Then one turned into two and now that it's all out in the open I am now dealing with the lonely neglected feelings that started the whole thing. My point is talk to your husband tell him how this is affecting you. Having an affair is not going to help you feel better in the long run. If whats going on in your marriage is to hard and there's no hope, get a divorce, then you can be with who ever you want. ultimately having an affair will make things worse for you and your mate.

Answer 5

What happened to "for better or worse". Two weeks hardly seems like anything when it comes to a committed relationship. Sounds to me like you're not committed at all. Yea, it's fine when things are going well but the true test is when the are bumps in the road. Pull your head out of your butt little girl and stick by your man. Maybe you both need to get away from his family and do your own thing. Having an affair will just prove that you don'y love him. It will be the beginning of the end of your relationship. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and be a woman!!

Answer 6

I've read most of the answers for my own edification because I am feeling the same way you do. My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I have done everything I know how, talking, counseling, etc to get us on the right track. The problem is that I have spent 15 years taking care of her emotional and sexual needs but she has invested very little time in me. I am just now beginning to understand this. I am a servant at heart and am not comfortable until others are taken care of which equates into a constant and slow drain until I feel empty. Everybody loves me and I am discovering this is why. They love me because I always give, give, give. When I need something they are always busy.

I have had intense feelings of cheating on my wife. I have not done anything about it but the feelings are consuming my mind. I have been getting very little accomplished at work and all I do is think about this one woman who I had a connection with. We did not do anything and she knew I was married but she made me feel desired and I did not feel like she needed something from me. Sounds weird coming from a man but she just wanted to nail me and that was an exciting feeling. I never feel excited with my wife, it is always the same old boring thing and I do all the work. Men, at least me, need to express love through sex and the more exciting the sexual relationship the better the sex. I understand that women need the emotional connection to feel loved. The trick, I am learning, is balance.

I have been taking care of my wife's needs for way too long and negating my own needs. No more, as we are working on it. But this other woman, who I will never see again, is still in my mind every day. I don't even know her last name, we did not exchange last names on purpose, but every day I think about her. I know there will be some idiots who read this and won't understand and the women will go on about emotional stuff but I am just scratching the surface on why men feel the need to cheat and it has nothing to do with being a dog or wanting to break vows. It is ultimately an emotional issue and when men and women are not connected, things break down. I know I spend time connecting emotionally with my wife and I am aware that many men don't but if women don't connect with men sexually, men will have these feelings. I sure do. We are driven with this incredibly, unexplicable sex drive and just saying no, does not work. It needs to be expressed and many women may feel insecure about their husbands needs but if you wish to save a relationship, these things need to be talked about and both brave enough to take the next step. For whatever it's worth.........I still feel like cheating.

Answer 7

If this all stated 2 weeks ago and you are already to have an affair then your marriage sucks anyway. Maybe you should get a divorce. I can't believe that you can't support you husband during a bad time for 2 weeks. Maybe you need to go to soem kind of school to learn how to be a good wife. As far as the lack of sex. Get some toys and use them in front of him. Then I don't think he would have a problem doing it.

Answer 8

You need to remember the vows you took, it good times and bad! Maybe your husband is needing something too. If his life was that full of trauma he probably needs some counseling and you may need to have marriage counseling too. If anything, you should be supporting him and helping him through this rough time. I am sure these problems or life issues were there when you married him so you knew what you where in for.

Answer 9

I know that it's very hard to have no one to talk to, and at the same time you are between this issue that it wont go away. But first forgive me but I will put my foot out for a bit, you said that the two of you hasn't have intimacy lately, I know its very hard but right now,try not to go there,or else it will ruin your life even if it's just one night. Your husband is going through something that no human deserve, but you love him and your supporting him all the way with this.
Now ask yourself ,will it be worth it to have one night stand,just for you to feel needed,and feel sexy at the same time?? Maybe it might but when you said I DO to your husband in front of your friends, family, and god, are you willing to break the vows that you said??
if what you need is a friend to talk to about whats going on with you, I'm here,I will listen to every problems that you can give me, but please not affair. You are a strong woman and you can get through this,just hang on,cause you will see light at the end of this tunnel...

Answer 10

I've been in the affair thing, the love isn't real. It only adds stress to your life. If you don't get caught, it's complicated, if you do get caught, it's a mass destruction.
An affair is a slippery slope to the end of your relationship. Are you trying to find a quick, easy way out of your commitment? That will be the result.
If you plan on going ahead, do the research online. There are signs to get you caught. Google "how to catch your partner cheating" and see what they list as signs so you'll know to avid them. Fake a membership in an aerobics class so you can get out, come home sweaty and walk around feeling better about yourself with a smile without suspicion. Make up weekly calenders on word and hang them on your fridge so he thinks he knows where you are.
Aren't I an evil person, I'm a bit disgusted with myself for this goody.