I'm 13, really sad and upset, could you help me?

Question

6 months ago I went through a bad phase. I was jealous of my lil bro, was mean to him, also joined some bad friends, did some wrong stuff like drinking and being disrespectful. My parents decided to punish me, thgough I was really sorry and apologized to them and to my bro. I was grounded for a month and this broke my spirit, not because of the punishment that wasn't so harsh but because I lost all trust I had in my parents love. They didn't forgive me though I was really sorry. My mom was kinda cold, angry and it took a while for her to come around and trust me again. Something broke inside me, I learned I'm not loved, now I'm scared, upset, even afraid of my parents, especially my mom. I'm a good girl who messed up, why couldnt my parents forgive me? Why did they have to let me so down and depressed? Ima a good student, won't get in trouble again, everyone says I'm a good girl, but my life is destroyed, I'm emotionally broken, can't even look at my parents without getting disturbed

It's been hard to live, some days ao I even had suicidal thoughts

Answer 1

The way you write is enough to show that you are obviously quite intelligent. You express your emotions and the situation very clearly. I know a lot of adults that can't do that well at all.

First and foremost I have to address the ideas of suicide. Please, please,please,please talk to someone about this. An adult, someone you trust, someone who represents the idea of a safe and stable person to you.

If nothing else find the number to your doctor's office. Call him or her. Talk to him or her. Tell him or her everything you wrote in this post. Ask if you can come in to talk because you don't know what else to do and you're afraid of involving you parents. Ask about confidentiality, if he or she is obligated to tell your parents what you say. If he or she can't help you (ok, going with "she" now) she might be able to help you find someone who can.

Also, your school may have a psychologist on staff. Ask a teacher you trust or your counselor, or the lunch lady, for that matter. You don't need to tell them why. The psychologist will be able to help you and they are legally not allowed to tell your parents or anyone what you talk about. The only reason they could is if you are an immediate and obvious risk to yourself or others. You aren't. You think about suicide but there is a big difference between that and the actual doing. They know this. That you are reaching out for help at all is a huge sign that you are not an immediate or obvious threat to anyone. You're trying to help yourself. That's a pretty darn responsible thing to do.

My approach with people your age and of your ability is to treat you as a complete adult and try to help you understand all aspects of the situation. Most adults don't take this approach and think it wrong because you're too young to understand and it undermines their authority. Sometimes, especially with parents, this can be the better way to deal with it. I don't need to be an authority figure but your parents do. I have a lot more freedom it what I can say to you than your parents do. Please try to understand that and that because your parents don't say everything or don't always explain everything doesn't mean they are wrong or doing bad. Just like you they are just trying to do what is right and struggling to redefine your relationship now that you are becoming more mature.

If you are comfortable going to a house of God and speaking with a pastor, rabbi, minister, etc... (sorry for the vagueness but I don't know your religion, if any) you can talk with him or her as well. Even if you don't belong to such a place you can ask an official at a local church (etc...) if you can speak with them confidentially. Again, you need not say why until you are comfortable with that trust.

Try to imagine your parents perspective. They really do love you very much. Your own words actually testify to that.

There's this idea of forgiving and forgetting. We all make mistakes and use some very bad judgement no matter how old we are or how smart we are. Sometimes we do stuff that no amount of remorse or apologies can make up for. As grown-ups, often, we have to deal with that on our own and it's so much harder than punishment. Punishment sucks but it's easy. We get it over with and the mistake is forgiven. Sometimes there is trust to be regained on both sides but getting through the punishment brings us closer to that.

It's not easy for your parents to punish you. They know how much it hurts and, no matter how much it seems otherwise, they really do want to not punish you in any way, shape, or form.

13 years old is a very scary age for parents. It may well be the scariest. It's also the most frustrating for you. You're old enough to actually start to know what's best for you and when you have done wrong and why. That said you don't have everything you need to go out in the world on your own. You know this, though.

Your parents still have to judge where your skills lie and how much you have learned. They have to take action when you do something that is harmful to you or anyone else. They really do have to.

I don't know in what way you were mean to your brother. I had a little brother (still do, actually ;-) ) and was SO jealous of him growing up. I did some pretty awful things to him. I think the worst, by far, was putting straight pins sticking up through his pillow. I was very much younger than you, maybe 7 or 8. I thought they'd just poke him in the back of his head and it'd hurt but no real harm done. That's actually what happened but my mom explained to me how it could have really hurt him by poking into his eye or whatnot (after yelling at me and grounding me for a couple weeks-grounding is relative to age, had I been 13 I would have been grounded for months, at the very least, as well as had to see a shrink because I should have been able to understand how much more harm it could have done). Chances are whatever you said did to your brother wasn't that dangerous. Even if it was as dangerous or more so please understand that your parents are reacting to how scary that is for them, as well.

As for the bad friends and drinking...

The friends are one thing. I think it's a good thing you fell in with a bad crowd at such a young age. You have that experience now. You know more of the qualities you want in friends and how to give n to peer pressure less. It truly is an advantage to you so long as you keep that lesson with you. I know people three times your age who are only just learning that. As you get older it becomes harder to actually learn these lessons.

The drinking can be more worrisome. Even the smartest and most well adjusted of adults can fall victim to that. Alcohol is considered addictive for a very good reason. It's so much easier to deal with painful and difficult situations and emotions with it. So many of us develop drinking problems while actually meaning it when we promise to never drink again.

This is your biggest responsibility now. It doesn't matter at all what your parents think or do. You need to stick by your realization that drinking can be so very dangerous. You need to do it for you. For them it's terrifying, even more so if they have struggled with this issue themselves. Then they know first hand how much it can ruin a life.

Your parents are punishing you because they're scared and it's one of the very few things they can do.

They are punishing you because they love you so very, very much. Sometimes, no matter how hard it is to see, that is exactly what love is.

Your mom was cold and angry because she was scared. She was scared for you, that you might not come through this ok, scared for your brother that he might be hurt or even learn to do the same sorts of things, and scared for herself that this might be her fault, that, in some way, she might have failed in teaching you how to make good decisions.

But you are loved! You said you need to learn to trust your parents to love you again. You also need to give them reasons to trust your judgement again.

They do forgive you. They may not know how to say it. Forgiveness is a confusing thing. You can forgive a person but they still need to really understand how to not make the same mistake again. They still need to learn the consequences of their actions. You can forgive but still help even when that help feels painful.

This isn't going to be easy for any of you but that's a good thing. We learn and grow far more from the difficult parts of life.

You should talk with your mom and dad separately. You should set down ground rules. You should. You tell them there is no yelling, no accusations, and no cruel words. You need to abide by these rules also. If either one of you feels like you're getting too emotional you take a time out. Just time to cool down and relax. But you talk WITH each other. You listen and don't interrupt. You tell them how you're feeling and why. You ask them to do the same. You both listen and try, really try, to understand where the other person is coming from.

What's most important is that you talk through it and listen, really listen, to what the other has to say. You ask as many questions as you need answered but always do so with respect. They feel hurt, too. Keep calm. Crying will happen but lashing out doesn't need to.

Do this and you will gain some very important things: you will gain their respect. You really will. Likewise they will gain your respect. You can understand why they do and say what they do and the reasons won't be so bad. It feels pretty good to respect another person, especially someone you love so much. Most importantly you will understand each other better and be able to talk with each other more easily in the future.

If you can do this you will be way ahead of most adults. Just remember, your parents are people, too. They get just as scared and hurt as you. They don't know everything and are just as afraid to admit they don't. Talk with them like you want them to to talk with you.

Finally, your life is so very much not destroyed. I really have been there and felt the way you do now. I was 15 when it hit me (and probably, at best, 16 before I could explain it as well as you have!) but I do actually know how very much it hurts. Something has broken inside of you but that doesn't mean it can't be repaired and, even, better than it was before.

A hurt like this cuts so incredibly deep but only hurts like this give you the chance to really learn how to deal with the worst of situations. I know it doesn't see possible in any way but you have an opportunity to grow and learn and understand not only yourself and your parents but people and the world in general that a lot of people never get or fail to take advantage of.

Don't let your pain define you. Claim control of your mind and the situation. Work with your parents, make them work with you, and you will not only gain so much from this one experience but you will also have so many more skills and abilities to deal with the other pains life throws at you. When you get through it, when you really try and work at it, I can promise you you will feel so incredibly good about it and yourself.

Answer 2

Well despite what you think your mom is your mom and will always love you the same but at the same time she is afraid she will lose you to a bad lifestyle because that's where you were headed when you get a little older you will take a step back and really see the world and what little things like that can do to peoples lives in the long run I know right now you're probably not trying to hear this because you think I am kinda judging you but I am not I am 18 only 5 years older then you and I used to be the same way the only thing is when I stopped my friends kept going and now some are homeless and everything I know it seems like it was just a phase and it probably was but your parents don't know that for sure and they are afraid for you because they love you sit down and talk to both of them about how you feel now and as of the suicide It's funny cuz I was just talking to my friend last night about it nothing is that serious if you feel your hurting hold it out be strong when you get older you'll be happy everything passes believe me I know I thought about it and I have 2 friends who tried and now we all realize it was silly because our lives are so much better after we dealt with our problems I think it made me a stronger and better person and hopefully you will see it too just talk to your parents so they can know know how you feel good luck

Answer 3

Hi,

I was looking for the answer to a question, and stumbled ac cross your message. You sounded pretty sad, so I felt had to reply.

It sounds like you've had a pretty rough time - being 13 can be pretty difficult, your trying to work a lot of stuff out as you grow up. You want to have fun, but you want to be taken seriously, to be noticed. You want your parents love and they're respect, as you begin the journey to becoming your own person. From what you say I don't think you've lost your parents love. Bit I don't you should loose you trust in your parents love. Would your parents, ground you, or be upset with you if they didn't love you - we don't get upset, annoyed, emotional with people we don't care about. Know doubt your parents just want the best for you - they were 13 once too you know - they been here longer than you have, and they know some stuff... even though you might not think so.

But sometimes to be good parents, they have to let you know when your out of line - that's sometimes the job of a parent (a good one).

Anyway as you said - you did mess up, so maybe you just need to remind your folks of how good you are, earn they're trust again, they'll come round.

At the end of the day, if your upset, try talking to your parents now that things might have calmed down.

Hope this is of help... Good Luck!

Answer 4

You need to talk to someone. Try your school counselor or pastor. Just because your parents punished you does not mean that they don't love you or that they don't forgive you. You broke their trust, and it will take a little while to gain it back. Sometimes when we do things wrong we have to face the consequences. Just saying that your sorry isn't always enough. The fact that your parents grounded you and were disappointed in you is not unusual. I think it is a normal response to your actions. However you feeling that your life is destroyed and feeling suicidal because your parents punished you when you have admitted that you were wrong is not normal. I urge you to get help. You can earn your parents trust back, and you have to know that often parents punish their children because they love them and want them to learn right from wrong. Let your parents know that you are feeling depressed. You need to see a doctor and a therapist. Please just know that things will get better. It may take some time, but your parents will trust you again, and no matter how disappointed they may be in your actions, they still love you.

Answer 5

You're a good student and a good girl, so don't be thinking about suicide and stuff. Your future is bright. You won't be at home forever, you know!

You know, just being sorry isn't enough. I don't think you realize how much you might have hurt or disappointed your parents. Things like that take time to get over, and they are working through it.

You need to take responsibility for what you did. Not just be sorry, but own the fact that you did stuff, and now you will handle the consequences, which may not be pleasant. You may have to work to regain your parents trust, and it may be quite some time before you are all friendly again. That's the price for hurting other people, whether you meant to or not, and no matter how sorry you are.

Realize that your parents do love you - they still care for you, and it's not like they sent you to a convent or anything - they just grounded you for a month. Don't let that break you. That month was the easy part. Repairing your relationship with your family is much harder and will take much time.

Once you "own" this whole situation, you will be OK with it. It still won't be fun, but you will understand what you and your family are working through.

So keep a stiff upper lip, persevere, and things will improve for you. You have a long road ahead, but you can certainly do it. Good luck.

Answer 6

Your parents grounding you is a total sign of love. Parents who don't love and care for their kids don't care what they do. Yours do love you or they would not have grounded you. Remember, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Forgiveness does not mean automatic restortion of full trust. You have to earn that trust back with total honesty and openess. Talk to your parents, especially your mom. Tell her your worries, your laughs, tell her about your day, ask about hers. You have got to rebuild the relationship.

I had an almost identical experience when I was 13 and now my mom and I are great friends, openly talking about anything. If I was going to a party, I let her know who was going to be there and if the parents were going to be there or not (which was usually not). I always hugged and kissed her when I got home so she could smell me. I initiated the hug. If she was up for it, I'd talk to her as soon as I got home too. I let my folks know if I was going to be late (like b/c the movie ran long or car trouble, etc.), altho I tried really hard to not miss curfew. Eventually, the trust was rebuilt, and my parents left me home alone while they went on a trip.

Why are you scared of your parents? Can you talk to them? is there another adult you can talk to to help you talk to your parents.

Don't choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide is never a good choice. It is very punishing to those you leave behind.

Answer 7

First of all, it's common that most teenagers go through that phase. I went through it.

I remembered that I got into so much trouble with my mom and my dad, and it took a long while for them to forgive me. I just did what they asked me to do and eventually they would give me their trust back.

You have go to earn their trust. Don't sit around and think suicidal thoughts. You're more than that. If you want to be forgiven, then you just have to prove it to them that you really are a good person, and a good sister, a good friend, and most importantly a good daughter.

Spend time hanging out with your little brother. That will show him that you're really sorry and that you care much about your relationship with him. Once your parents see that, then they'll begin their trust circle and invite you in.

But, the least you can do is to make good decisions and follow directions.

Answer 8

this will pass...you're only 13, lots of 13 year olds screw up, god knows i did so many times, and wished i wouldn't have, but you can't take them back now. the good thing is, is that you learned from your mistakes, and it may take your parents a while to come around and trust you again, but the fact is they will, they will see that you've learned from your mistakes. this isn't worth committing suicide over, although i know how you feel, and sometimes think that it would make things all better, but if you do this, you will crush your parents because they will know that you would have done this because of them, and they will have to live with knowing they were responsible for you committing suicide for the rest of their lives. it's not worth it, this will pass, and things will go back to normal, just continue proving to them that you are not bad, and that you have learned, and ask them if there is anything you can do for them to help them forgive you, tell them that this whole situation really upsets you, but you understand why they are mad.
good luck, stay in there, and please don't do anything stupid. it will get better i promise!!!!!! :)

Answer 9

Honey, you have to get out from focusing on your hurt and embarrassed feelings, and try to imagine the shock and disappointment your parents experienced. Really, there's no way to truly understand how it is for them, you have to have different experiences before you can compare what it's like. But, the fact they punished you is a good thing, if they didn't care, they could've just yelled and put you down, then turned their attention away from you and forget it happened. Punishment is meant to get your attention and give it the chance to be directed away from its previous direction. So, now, while you're in the middle of your punishment, do the things that'll show your parents you're sorry. Don't whine and cry about your state, but use it to build yourself up so you won't tempt yourself to do dumb stuff again.
You can have a talk with your mom, tell her you're working on your attitude, and you need her to know how bad you feel, and that you're trying to look at things differently. Ask her how you can best show her that you're changing. Ask her what she'd like to see you do to demonstrate you're sorry and want to have a better relationship with her and dad. Be kind and sincere.
Don't give up. Later you'll understand more, but for now, try to toughen up and take your medicine.
Best wishes.

Answer 10

Your parents will always love you and it just takes time to forgive which I'm sure they've already done. You need to forgive yourself and understand that everybody makes mistakes and what we need to do is learn from them which sounds like you did. Life is too beautiful and precious for you to want it to be over........get help go talk to a counselor or better yet talk to your parents and you'll see that they love you and wouldn't want you to do such a thing... That would definitely destroy them.

You're a lucky girl....you have two good parents that love you very much. Just give it time and look at the good things life has to offer.

God bless you.

Answer 11

You need to talk with someone I am a monther of 2 (1 of each) My oldest is a girl and sometimes she picks on her little bro and I don't like it she knows better than to be that way to him.There are others in this world that will be ******* in this world. All you have in to count on in this life is your family. How do you think your bro feels ? to be hurt by the ones you love is the worst feeling. I know I am the youngest of 4 I was picked on by oldest sis and our relation is nothing I loved her so much and she hurt me emotionaly and I never recovered and looked for my love elsewhere. If you do not fix your relationship with your family you will regret it, be close your bro. I know that you are hurting inside you learned a hard lesson in life learn from your actions and move on your young . Talk with your parents and to your bro 1 on 1 . Good luck I wish things for you and your family will turn for the best and stay that way keep on being a goodgirl. Love yourself and be happy and smile.
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