When someone says they forgive their spouse for cheating...?

Question

and are working things out. Why are they always told NEVER to bring up the affair again. How do you heal yourself or the relationship if the issues and questions are not resloved? And how can you put a time frame on the healing and needing answers. I understand that you should not harp on the subject 24/7...but sometimes you just need answers and reassurance. Why should the betrayed suffer alone with questions and concerns when the other spouse is the one that put them in that position? I am in the process of forgiving, and we are doing quite well...but I do not know what I would do if he expected me not to EVER bring it up again. He has been perfectly willing to answer any questions I may have. Just wondering if I am the only person that feels that "ignoring" the unanswered questions or concerns will do more harm to the relationship?

I respect everyones opinions, as they are their own opinions. But, I too, once said I would never forgive my hubby for cheating, and he always said he would NEVER cheat. The truth is, I do not think anyone knows what they would do in any given situation until they are faced with it. We have been married 12 yrs and have a son, thats a lot to walk away from. He knows he screwed up. Hell, we are all human and capable of mistakes. God forgives...and so can I. My husband has been to our pastor and prayed and repented for his sin, and has shown great remorse and guilt. I understand some of you may feel that you wouldnt forgive ...and maybe you wouldnt, but I have chosen to try and save what we had. Our marriage has evolved to a whole new level at this point. But its been a year since he cheated, and on some occasions I still have a question or two, and he has no problem with answering. I just dont see the point in sweeping it under a rug. Forgivness is not the same as forgetting.

Answer 1

YES!!! a big yes..it does way more harm because you will constantly have your own thoughts on things and they will drive you crazy!! the " not knowing" is way harder than dealing with yhe real truth and if he is willing to answer any questions..i say yes it can possibly work out and you two move on..but the what if's and just your own assumptions will eat away at your brain because you truly do not know the real answer so you might just go on what you think..But yes to not harp on it is RIGHT..but if you have unresolved questions in your head--because he wont answer them or chooses not too it will eat you alive..and believe ME the slightest arguements will trigger this whole scenario again..and again..and unfortunatley AGAIN!!

Answer 2

If you continue to question him about it all it does is serve as a reminder that you’re still obsessing over it. I don’t ever think a problem should be ‘ignored’, but you have the conversation, you ask ALL your questions, and then you move on and deal with it in whatever way works for you (although I’d suggest some type of martial counseling for a short time at least). If you ask him questions A, B, and C, and he answers honestly then a year from now, his answers to questions A, B, and C will STILL be the same, so why ask again?

The key here is asking ALL the questions to begin with. And if you later realize that you have a question you didn’t ask…well, personally, I think you shouldn’t ask it at that point, because, again, all it does is serve as a reminder and it will possibly ‘un-do’ some of the healing that’s been accomplished. That (backward) is not the direction you want to go in. That’s just my personal opinion though.

With that said, kudos to you for wanting to work it out. I’ve seen people who were able to do that, but it’s pretty rare. And it only works if he’s sincerely remorseful for what he did.

Answer 3

I personnally don't see how it is that you are to Never bring it up again. From my point of view - - I am also working on the trying to forgive part - - What he did has changed me, him and us. This has become a part of our history and will be a part of how our future will be shaped. You don't stop talking about other events from your past. But I do see the point of how it is brought up as important. In trying to forgive I make it a point that I never say anything about it when I am angry.
My situtation may be a little different that yours -- I truely hope it is -- My husband still has not answered alot of questions, I don't believe that he is able to face the answers himself. And unfortunately the affair resulted in a child, so it will eventually have to be revealed to everyone one of these days - - our children included who now have a half sibling. He is also trying to be a part of this child's life so therefore if we survive this both she and the child will somehow always be there. And because of that I just don't see for me how it will never come up again.
I really think though that if the affair is brought up it needs to be in as nonjudgemental a way as possible and if tensions start to run high the subject should be set aside until both parties can remain as calm as is humanly possible.
I understand your thinking though this event has changed the person you are, how you view your world, so how is it possible that you are never to discuss it again.

Answer 4

I know it's very hard for you right now, but you must be more stronger and tougher. I am on the same boat like you, after 22 long years,my husband committed adultery to a married woman,and the worst of it was he fell for this woman. when I caught him 3 months ago,he gave me all the lies that he can think of,like they were just good friends, and more.
He ruined my 3 teenagers life and holiday,and now he wants to have my forgiveness and move forward, just like nothing happened. He asked to see a marriage councilor so he can find out what he did wrong,like he doesn't know. He even says that I need to heal for what he done,but god knows it wasn't me that had an affair and it wasn't me that push him to this woman's arms. yes he said he will talk about it,but not really, he rather talk about us. But how can I move forward if he don't want to talk to me.
I still can't forgive him because it didn't took him long to fall for this married woman, and he never really realize the years that I spend my life with him, and my trust and respect is now gone, and also my kids eyes were the one that i see pain. I am a strong person and I will pull through with this, and so can you, life is to short. Tell you what,if you want some ear I'm hear and we will exchange heartaches, you need to let your anger out like what I did,if not it will consume you.....

Answer 5

If you feel you need to talk about...then you do. Its a lot of bull that's its not about you. Its about both of you. He cheated...its never going to go away, unless you erase your memory. Its a huge hurt that can fester if not resolved. He doesn't want to talk about it because it keeps putting his mistake in the spotlight and makes him uncomfortable. He feels he's apologized and that's the end of it..it will never happen again. But how can you believe that..when he broke your trust in the first place. Must you walk on eggshells for the rest of your life because of his mistake. Maybe you should find someone you can vent to, if not your own husband.
I feel for you...I don't think I could trust again after that.

Answer 6

i dont know but im in the same point for a month now dh and i are trying to over come his having cheated. we also were told not to talk about it anymore, and did good for like 2 weeks but everything was reopened this week due to the girl actually following me around town stopping my car to talk to me about supposed pregnancy, i now know is a lie. but at first i belived it and got all pissy again. so now im sad and depressed all the time wanting to talk about it to be reassured daily and yet he sleeps like a baby. we had one long bnig discussion where i was allowed to say ask whatever and he answered and now its supposed to be a clean slate yet everyday i think of new things i shouldve asked him. like ok he said they slept otgether only 4 times in the 2 months, but i shouldve asked had he gone out with her, made out with her, done other stuff. my bff always calms me down reminding me i already chose to give second chance so what would nowing anthing else do but hinder our progress to healing. found some other ways to get reassured tho, especially with this text messaging. i never did it before now me and him text all the time sexy things that i know must keep his mind on me all day long. and since we know the reason for the cheating i can work on it so if it ever happens again then its jsut cause hes a cheater and not cause of our sex life.

so in answer to your question im gonna say continuing to talk about it will do more harm cause itll just reopen that can of worms and get everybody all mad again like it did in my situation.

Answer 7

Because it`s like rehashing a bad behaviour to a child. He will give up and stop making an effort. I know it`s painful for you, butit`s not about you, it`s about him. He`s the one who has unresolved issues, he`s trying to deal with them so he can be with you and love you..Good luck, it`s hard, I know....

Answer 8

well I dont know how to answer your question really because if my husband ever cheated I would never forgive him. thats like saying it was ok for them to cheat on you. cheat on me once and you look like the fool....cheat on me twice and I look like the fool. no thanks...my parents didnt raise a fool.