Desperately looking for help (book/cd/advise/suggestions) on being married to a woman/victim of sexual abuse?

Question

I'm currently married (10 years) to a wonderful woman (and mother of my two beautiful daughters {8 and 6}). I'd say we have a very good marriage in most respects, however, when it comes to our physical relationship -- well lets just say there hasn't been much of one for the past year or so. My wife was sexually abused by her step father (age 8-12). This has been an area that has brought us much emotional pain over the years. We communicate extremely well whenit comes to non-sexual issues (finances, family, career, etc.). When it comes to sex, for the life of me I can't seem to figure out what she needs. I really do try to be a loving and respectful husband, however, over the past 5 years we seem to be getting further apart. I love my wife very very much and miss our physical closeness dearly. I know from talking with her recently that she feels the same way about me, but I also know that she is very unhappy as well am I.
Any thoughtful response will be greatly appreciated!

Detail Update: Thanks to all above to you heartfelt words. After reading, I realized I left out probably the single largest detail which is that my wife has gone through extensive therapy with a psychiatrist a number of years ago (before she met me) and she said it was very helpful. since then she and we have seen a few different psychiatrists/ marriage councelors with little to show for it. I've been trying (very diplomatically_ to suggest that she go back to the doctor, but she's not taking it well or she's afraid she will gain weight if she goes back on anti-depressents.

Answer 1

She does need to be seen by a therapist. As I get older, thing's have started to come back into my thought's. I start to wonder why and what could have prevented my situation. Because mine is different from your wife's....I think that it's because I didn't get help earlier on like I should have, now this is happening. Could this be happening to your wife now??? Maybe you could ask her. If she cries when you hold her tightly and tell her you're there for the long haul, she can be encouraged.

Answer 2

I read about a situation like this. The counselor helping the couple told the husband that it's very important to the wife to be in control of her sexual encounters. She had absolutely no say in the matter when she was abused, and even though in her brain she knows you are a trustworthy person, there's still the latent fear. Find a way that works for you both where she can be the one in control of sexual encounters. Maybe suggest she can plan when and where, but still have the freedom to back out if she needs to. Meanwhile, make sure you are cuddling, hugging and kissing her even more than you think you need to.

Also, sometimes even for couples where there was no abuse in anyones past it's hard enough to be romatic with little kids in the house. See if they can maybe even weekly spend the night at grandma's or a friends. It'd would at the least be a great way to grow more emotionally intimate.

Sending this with a prayer. :)

Answer 3

It takes a strong man to do what you are doing. I feel your wife may be having a difficult time with the fact that she has daughters. Ironically they are the same age as when she was being abused. This might be brining up memories more often than if you had two teenage boys. Please be sure to not pressure her or be too aggressive for this turns a woman who has gone through sexual trauma away and off. I would also try asking her would she like something during sex. Such as "would you like me to kiss you?", do you want me to touch your leg? this lets your wife know what you plan on doing before you do it, so there is no surprise. Also avoid very aggressive sexual acts that are done on many violated females. Such as "finger play" in that area, this is not a good thing for it might trigger a memory during sex. Also be sure to put more romantic love feelings into your physical so it is not seeming to be about the act. Because the simple act is what has tarnished her soul.
Please be patient and do not express frustration. Her soul is bruised and that kind of bruise sadly does not vanish. The residue is always present. It is so sad that this happens to females and when it does it affects them for the rest of their life. But thank goodness for men like you.

Answer 4

I have been married for l0 years to a man that I adore. We used to have great intimate sex until I started taking an antidepressant. This has killed any sexual desire I can have and am so upset about it that I am going to discontinue the drug thearapy. If she is taking any medications this may be the single cause.
Although, if she is suffering intimacy with you because of abuse that happened when she was young then she needs to see a professional. I dont think "marriage counseling" is in order from what you said but I can see she might need to talk to someone for herself. These issues are usually not so obvious and her intimacy problems might really have nothing to do with you or sex.
Stay true and hold her often. But she needs to talk to a professional. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am sorry, I can't offer anything further than what people have said already, about sources of advice....but I just wanted to say, that you are already doing so much for her, having the support of a kind and caring husband is already helping her so much...probably more than you know.
And if she knew that you had posted this question in such a caring and dear manner I think your marriage would be strengthened even further.....it's really nice to see that you love her so much.... :)

Answer 6

I too am a victim of sexual abuse, and have had issues like your wifes. The best help you can give her, is love her! support her! and let her know she is beautiful! But also encourage her to get help for her problem. She doesn't have to suffer, and neither do you. I went to a wonderful group call AMAC, adults molested as childern. I don't know if that is in your area or not, but it was the most healing group I had ever been in. Then I've read "Healing The Child Within" which was a difficult book for me to read, but I finally finished. Also "The Courage to Change" is a very good book. But, hon, she has to be willing to accept the help. If she isn't ready, she isn't ready! There isn't going to be much you personally can do for her, other than support her. Also, go to the Bible, and remember the roles that each of you have to fulfill. The Bible is very straight forward about how our relationship should be. Read all of Chapter six in Ephesians and then in 2 Peter there is good advice for us. One of the scriptures in Matthew, says not to let the sun set with you in a provoked state. Even though you may not be satisfied with your sex life, and she may not be either, there is a relationship mentioned in the Bible that we can work towards any way. She is to have a "deep respect" for you, and you are to treat "her as the weaker vessell" and this would be in one of the areas that this would apply. Also to love her as the Christ loved the congregation. Also I believe in the one of the Corinthians, it mentions "to pay her her due, and to pay him his due" and this particular passage was talking to wives. So this must of been a problem during the time of christ as well for women. But the Bible isn't shy about talking about our sexual relations with our mates, within the marriage arrangement. To me it sounds like you two are doing pretty good under the circumstances. But it would be great to hear that she is getting help for herself. I think for myself I need hormones. Since I have gone through menopause, and that may be another thing for her to look into, it may be a physical thing as well as a mental thing. Just encourage her to get help for herself, and you do the same for yourself. email me if you wish. its in my profile.

Answer 7

i know it is a hard time for both of you but you need to make her understand that the past has gone and she is safe with you. the past will never ever come back. If necessary, take her to psychologist as a doctor can be of great help to her.
May be a doctor can make her forget or come out of her past emotions.
anyways, we are always with you.
tk cr

Answer 8

Look on Oprah's website - it has heaps of information and boks and this is definately one of her specialty areas

Answer 9

perhaps a psychiatrist could help or marriage counseling

Answer 10

You have the most important part of the relationship which consists of the love that you both share. As you know, being a husband and a father is a responsability and sex in itself is secondary to all else that matters so much in the family context.
The best advice I can give is to start courting your wife as you did when you first met her. Bring her flowers, even if it's only one fresh rose. It's the little things that matter and that end up making the big picture in life. Little things that you may not see such as doing things for her that she'd never even think of asking you such as picking up your own socks (not saying you don't!) but you know? if you see that the garbage is over-flowing, don't hesitate to get the bag out and replace it without her asking you, start a new interesting hobby where you could possibly make her some pretty thing with your hands, with wood maybe? Women love that kind of stuff and cherish it forever. As you do these things, you'll find that she'll get closer to you as you become busier with "other" stuff and before you know it a "thank you!" will turn out into a kiss on the cheek, which will turn out in a kiss on the mouth, a hug, a bigger hug and let nature take its course. Let her know how much you love her and depending on where you live, she might qualify for a therapist who could help her cope or rise above the raisin as it were, about the abuse she went through, assuring her that she must not ever blame herself or feel guilty.
I have a book on "forgiveness" that explains the importance of forgiving our abusers for our own sake, sanity and happiness. It doesn't mean that you invite him to dinner or anything, just that what he did was his, his doing, his choice, his decision, his wrong. He has to live with that guilt for the rest of his life and could do time in prison for it if he didn't already but your wife, she has no need to entertain even the idea of him anymore.
It happen to me as an infant. It's rare that I think about it, not at a conscious level anyway and the best way that I helped myself was to practice at being happy, using the words from Galatians 5:21-22, which describe the fruitages of the spirit of God. I practiced one of these a day, every day for years until they became second nature and that allowed me to learn to live in the "now" moment... when she (and you) learn to live in the moment (thus the importance of a hobby, even model cars, wooden furniture, a potatoe box, a little footstool with these "frutages of the spirit" painted on it, etc..
Try to get more creative and forget about just the sex part of your love for a bit, which doesn't mean that you can't thank her with a kiss for the good meal, for the way she looks today, for how much you're happy to have a sweet lady like her in your life, how proud you are of the way she treated a certain situation with the children or child or neighbor, anything. Open your eyes and heart to her needs. The more she'll feel well taken care of by you, the more she'll be compelled to take care also of your needs. It's called the law of "reciprocity".
I once heard that men give love for sex but that women give sex for love. Get yourselves in the habit of living in the moment and for the moment you find yourselves in right now. And since everything in life is a matter of choice especially for adults, just make up your minds to be happy. If it sounds too simple, it's because it is, but we tend to make mountains out of mole hills when we don't get what we want in this day of quick everything. Kids get fired from MickyD if they can't produce that hamburger in so many seconds flat. Everyone is looking for instant gratification and we're out of the habit of just enjoying the sweet moment for what it is. I also didn't have sex in a long time. It doesn't mean I never will again but that I will drink no wine before it's time! That too, I didn't do in years. Am I allowing this situation to rob me of my joy and happiness? Not at all!
They say that anticipation is as important or gratifying as the act itself. If that's true, we are very happy people!!! Use your imagination of how wonderful it will be when she's finally ready and wanting to express her love to you in this manner. It will come.. she's human too. In the meantime, try not to be breaking your head about it. God Himself created you in such a way that relief itself will come to you in your very sleep.
Don't sweat the small stuff and look at the big picture.
Enjoy your nice family, relax, play with them (they'll be gone before you know it) and watch them get secured in the fact that they have a strong, loving man in their lives and before you know it, you'll be their earthly "god" and they wouldn't dream of a life without you in it. I hope you understand how important it is for her not to feel pressured but loved and understood.
It doesn't mean that you can't help her (now and then) get the sense of living in the moment, which can begin now. For instance, if she still brings up the past and what happened as a child, you know that she is not in the moment but in the past and if you could then help her understand that in a certain way, she is still allowing this person to have way too much control or power over her, when in reality she could put a stop to it by forcing herself to change her own mind whenever his memory popped up. "Let him go, he can't hurt you anymore" are words you can tell her at such times.
Children live in fear but adults learn that they can decide what ideas they will allow themselves to entertain in their own minds. If we don't find any more use for even one, we drop it like it was a hot coal in our hand. K-I-S-S (Keep it simple silly!) Does everyone need to be over 40 to get the sense of this, I wonder?
I hope some of this helps. There's only so much that can be said here and now.
Abraham Lincoln once said that we could be as happy as we made up our minds to be. The older I get, the truer it gets.