How do I stay sane in a relationship?

Question

I'm a thinker. and a worrier. I've been in a relationship for 6 months and we practically live together most of the time. I guess im pretty needy in a self destructive way. I love her to pieces but i guess I see the worst qualities and see her as weak at times (basically, i've got a whiter that white past and she's made mistakes).. I know not to judge her for it, but it gives me concerns. I guess i just pick up on anything that can be seen negatively and make the worst case scenario out of it. Its frustrating because this is the only problem we really have and at times suspicion, doubt and lack of trust almost overthrow everything we have (and that would be such a shame!). Basically, I'd like to know how to NOT think, or to stop worrying... hope this makes sense :s

Answer 1

im goin thru the same thing. but i weighed out the options, and thought, "could i live without him in my life?", "does anyone else make me this happy?" the answer was no. i tried to kick it and go out, and drink, work, clean exercise....etc. NO MATTER WHAT he is the ONLY ONE on my mind. :)
so fukc it! im goin for it, cuz i can FEEL it....unlike no other! if u feel anything like that....quit trippin'. have faith! talk to her, let her know how u feel. love can create miracles, cuz it is one

Answer 2

you come across as a nice guy, not a moaner and this is an awful feeling to have and you can't stop whats going round in your head..........but what you've got to think is this..........how would you be feeling and what would be going round in your head if you didn't have her anymore???? everything thats shes done or thats happened in her life is in the past.....and thats where it stays. if these things happened when you were together, then fair enough, they affect you as a couple, but as i'm presuming they didn't and so you need to let it go.
i'm the same kind of girl your talking about, i've made mistakes and regretted things.........but we learn from these mistakes. i'm a completely different person now, i've learned...... my fella understands this. hes there for me. as you should be for her.
at the end of the day this is life..........you only get one chance. make the most of what you've got....or you'll be the one regretting it and always thinking.....what if???

Answer 3

Be frank. Tell her what your worries are and find a way out of it together. You should love her for her qualities, not her past. People make mistakes all the time. You yourself won't be squeaky-clean forever.

Be fair.

Answer 4

If you don't feel at ease with her, you don't trust her, I think you need to let this girlfriend go. It may sound cruel but this will continue to bother you for a while and maybe years which I think is not worth it. So let your heart lead...break off with her. Good luck.

Answer 5

Well most people have a apast and you need to learn to accept that or you are going to be lonley.
I would say maybe you should go to a therapist and have them help you work out your problems and fustrations.

Answer 6

The only way to stay sane in a relationship is to not become insane... You better listen to me, gal.

Answer 7

When You Find Out, Please Tell Me...

Answer 8

It's time for you to get honest with yourself. There are 2 ways I would suggest going about the above issue: 1 - List the pros and cons of being with her, evaluate these, and then decide, or 2 - Identify your thoughts/feelings about the issue and analyze these. Right now, I will post something I wrote for someone else in regards to # 2, and then I will return to EDIT this, and give you some info on # 1::::

For the situation described below, I was working through my thoughts/feelings over something that was bothering me....

When: jun 4, 18:00
Where: breakroom at work
Who offended me: James
Who else was present: Rick, Roger, and Jeff
What was the event that took place: James told Roger that I was being given false credit for the award I had been given that week.
My initial feeling: I was sad, depressed, and pissed. How could James say that? What an ***. Then another realization - my anger was further exasperated (as I think about it now) because Roger did not defend me. He did not support my having received the award, yet he knew how hard I worked on the project and that I deserved it.
My initial reaction: I acted as if I did not overhear the conversation. I quickly grabbed my drink and left the room. I then went to my car to cry.
What result did my initial reaction have on the situation (ie - did it aggravate it? Did it make me feel better? Did it hurt someone else? Did it result in further issues/problems?): It led to me being more stressed out and upset - I started internalizing and doubting my own abilities.

Then, answer these questions:
Is this event still bothering me (after having written it out and seeing the reality of it on paper)?: Yes.
Will this event still affect me in an hour? 6 months? A year?: Yes, if I don’t work through my feelings. Probably not in 6 months, unless James continues to tell people this. In a year - no.

What other ways could I have dealt with this situation? )::::

1 - verbally blown up at James
2 - punched James in head
3 - knocked James on the ground
4 - screamed at Roger for laughing along with James
5 - called a special meeting with the 3 of them and defended my position that I earned the award
6 - threw an insult at James over his jealousy that he did not get the award
7 - told our superior about James’ actions
8 - cried right there in the break room, getting their sympathy and/or apologies
9 - ignored the situation - let my insecurity build up - and pounded a few beers as soon as I was off work
10- quit my job

Having reviewed the action I did take (ie - the result from my reaction as listed above), I will also compare it with what I could have done. I will review all the ways of dealing with the situation and determine what the best method would have been (that way, I will know better next time).

What consequences and feelings would there be if I had ?:
Had I verbally blown up at James, I would have felt better at that moment. I may have forever impaired our friendship and/or working relationship. I may have come off as too sensitive or a *****, or the guys may have said (amongst themselves out of my presence), “Wow, Jenna must have PMS again.”

Continue this process for the remaining options on the list. This is also the time where you can be critical of your brainstorming - there is no reason for me to even analyze option #2 or 3 because I immediately recognize that this would result in my having been fired, among other problems.

So was your reaction the right choice? What have you learned from this?

Okay, I guess I only told you how to analyze a situation at this point. You can do this for any feeling you are having or had, but now there is work that must be done:.

I needed to actually pinpoint the feelings I was having and/or the aggravation and whatnot that the situation was causing me:....

Issue: James’ comment led others to question my ability. His comment also made me have to think about the issue. Did I really deserve that award? Does everyone feel this way about me? Why would James say something like that?

My feelings and thoughts about the issue: I take pride in my work and tried really hard on that project. I was so happy and proud when I received that award. Now I feel like crap. I have to question everything about me. Am I really just a fake? Everybody must think the way James does. I shouldn’t even be working here. I don’t know anything.

Now take the time to evaluate your feelings and thoughts. Ask these questions:

Is it true? Can I prove it? Is it a fact?
Is it helpful? Is it serving my best interest? Is it making me happy?
Does keeping this thought advance and protect who I am?
Does it help me get more of what I need and deserve? Do I keep finding myself in unfavorable circumstances because of this thought?:

For Example:
Thought/Feeling #1: “I take pride in my work and tried really hard on that project.
Is it true? Can you prove it? Is it a fact?: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Is it helpful? Is it serving your best interest? Is it making you happy?: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Does keeping this thought advance and protect who I am? Yes, it continues to build my self esteem and ability at work. I know what I am capable of, and this is just one example of my own greatness.
Does it help me get more of what I need and deserve? Do I keep finding myself in unfavorable circumstances because of this thought?: Yes. This thought helps me push myself to achieve and try hard in life. No.

Thought/Feeling #6: “Everybody must think the way James does.”
Is it true? Can I prove it? Is it a fact?: No (though I might be reluctant to admit it while feeling bad at the moment). Yes, I can prove/disprove it. It’s not a fact - susan and jamie both complemented the good job I did, so they don’t feel the way James does.
Is it helpful? Is it serving my best interest? Is it making me happy?: No. No. No.
Does keeping this thought advance and protect who I am?: No, it holds me back and makes me think everyone hates me.
Does it help me get more of what I need and deserve? Do I keep finding myself in unfavorable circumstances because of this thought?: No. If I continue to think this thought, I will find myself in unfavorable circumstances. I may stop trying at work or in life. I may begin to hate everyone because I think they are all judging and criticizing me.

If you find that your thoughts/feelings are not true or fact, it’s time to get rid of them, especially if they are not helping you (which they shouldn’t be). A big key to the whole process is to be completely HONEST. Forever I could not admit as to why I did not like Jill. I just knew that I didn’t like the *****. I could not give a concrete answer to any of my friends as to why I felt this bitterness towards Jill. When I finally sat down and analyzed it, I became honest with myself and admitted that deep down I was jealous of her. Granted I did not run and tell everyone else, but at least I faced it. I asked myself why I was jealous and what I could do about it. This is a whole nother long procedure I’m not about to present here, but I hope you get the idea. If you have any further questions, please feel free to contact/ask .

In your situation, when responding to the brainstorming session, you may want to answer the questions such as, "What could happen if I left her?"

For example: loneliness, depression, could meet someone new, happiness, freedom, no more frustration - you get the point (always list + and - possiblilities).

Okay, um, anyway, if you made it this far, let me know if you need any help or anything else. And by the way, you say, "I know not to judge her for it," but I believe that you have every right to judge her for it. You don't have to hold it against her and throw it in her face every day, but if it does give you concerns, this is another thing you should be considering when/if you complete the above exercises. I was with someone that I was not completely happy with (as all couples are), but we were getting closer to finalizing the deal. I knew he had a criminal past but had been clean of this for at least 2 years. I never got into the details, but I ended up learning that he had gone to prison for rape and had drug paraphanelia on him at the time of his arrest. I can handle a stupid bout with drugs, but morally, there is no reason to ever rape someone, etc. Upon learning this, I dropped him - his moral and value system did not reflect mine and this was something that was not okay for me to overlook. Within 4 months of our breakup, he had returned to drugs and other criminal activity - he personally blames me when talking to the few old friends that still associate with him, but it's time to take responsibility for one's own choices/actions. Anyway, my point was you are right to have concerns (look at my case) and to judge the situation. As stated, if it's too far against your values or way of living and concerns you, you have every right to find someone new.

I know it sucks sometimes, but you have to allow yourself to be #1 in life - if we are not happy and doing well with our choices/circumstances, we're not going to be helping those we keep in our lives, around us. If you are using her past against her in verbal slurs and whatnot, it's time to let her go....