I need some advice please?

Question

I lost contact with my real mother at the age of five. With no fault of my own. I have tried for years to get over the loss and close that chapter in my life. I caleed her three years ago and told her that she had a grandaughter and she sounded so excited and we has set up a meeting place for three days later. And the day that we were supposed to met for the first time since I was five, she called me and told me that something had come up and she wanted nothing to do with me or my family because Iwas dead to her after she left. What can I do to get over the heart ache. I have a beautiful child that my step mother loves and she has always considered me as her flesh and blood and I am thankful that she is in my life. She ismy mother as far as I am concerned. My heart still hurts after all these years. Please give me advice on ehat to do. Thank you.....

Answer 1

I know it is hard, but in reality, people who love us are our family, not the fairy tale of "blood is thicker than water" that has been perpetuated over the years.

As hard as it is to hear, it is a blessing that you never met you biological mother and your daughter never meeting her biological granddaughter because it would have been even hard to meet her, then be abandoned again.

There is nothing wrong with you or your family; there is something intrinsically wrong with your biological mother.

To get over it accept that fact and that you are lovable and deserve love; unfortunately, it in not in your biological mother's nature to give it...feel sorry for her as she will end up lonely and alone and it will be too late to bridge a gap after the bridge she has burned.

Answer 2

I feel for you! I am sort of in the same situation...I had never met my biological father until I was 20! His wife knew nothing about me until the day i called his house...we had a relationship for about a year and then he told me that it was best if I didn't come around...what did I ever do to this man!? So I left him alone and a few years later, I tried to make contact again, and again, the same thing...probably best if we have no contact...anyway...my point is this, just try to move on with your life...it is you "mother" that is missing out. Not you! If you have a step mom that loves you and treats you as her own, then cherish that and put your birth mother in the back of the vault. Good luck to you and God bless!

Answer 3

Who knows what her reasons were for doing what she did? Until & unless she tells us it is not for us to judge. I had a very abusive (mental & physical)marriage when I married too young. Luckily I got out after 8 & 1/2 yrs with my kids. He was a con artist & could sweet talk everyone else into believing he was a wonderful man. He never hurt my kids, but always threatened them(to me)& their lives if I tried to leave. When you are in that situation you believe enough that you cannot take the chance that he would do to your children what he has been doing to you. It is brainwashing, degrading & cruel abuse.
I am a very strong woman now & proud. But do not judge when you were not there.
I am not saying that your father was abusive or did anything wrong, no one knows but them.
I know it hurts but if you knew what really happened it might hurt you worse-she may still be protecting you from some truth.
Could only be the fact that she feels you are better off knowing only your wonderful step mother as mom.
Could be you surprised her & she just isn't ready to face you. Send her a Christmas card every year. When & if she gets ready & the nerve to face you, be ready.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Wow your real mom sounds a lot like mine. I hate to say there is no magical answer to this. There are times that I know what she missed and is still missing. But I have learned to see it for what it is. She is just very self-centered. Nothing other than her and things about her matter. Maybe the best thing you can do is write her a letter, if you mail it to her is up to you. Tell her how you feel, don't be concerned how it sounds. You can show your anger, hurt, or whatever. I wrote mine then called her read it to her. She stammered all over herself, when I could take it no longer, I let the rage go on her. I even asked if she knew she was like this why did she have me. Not a wise question to ask, I was told cause she wanted to rope my dad into marriage. She got it, then 6 yrs later wanted out. She got it. And my dad raised me without her.
Just always remember you have family that loves you. She may in her own way, she just isn't mother material.

Answer 5

My oldest daughter does not know her birth father as he left me for someone else while I was pregnant. I was lucky enough to meet someone else and we now have a lovely family life.
I used to worry that this sense of rejextion would overwhelm my daughter as she grew up.When I first told her of her origins I explained to her that the words Mum and Dad are job descriptions.It is a role people chose to play-often without any biological connection.
Her step Dad has been there every step of the way,by his own choice-much as your step Mum has done for you.
This is incredibly valuable, as to do it through pure love, rather than feeling obligated because your blood is surely the most genuine reason.
I know it's tough to feel rejected but a special women has chosen you as her daughter and she should be cherished for that.Try to focus on the good that relationship brings to you and your children.
As for your birth mother.Negative feelings will eat you up if you let them.She may be just an emotionally damaged woman in which case maybe she will never change and never be what you so want anyway.
Cherish what you have,and show love to all those who show to you

Answer 6

I feel for you. My mother was going to leave me at the hospital (as was customary when you didn't want a child in 1960) and my Grandmother brought me home. I tried for many years to make a place in my heart and life for my mother but, she didn't want any part of it. Now, every time I try to contact her, she actually picks up and moves. It does hurt and I wish they would think of more than themselves when they make these kinds of decisions. But, they don't.

You have a wonderful step mother who loves you with no conditions. She has taken you in, given you a place to belong, and she is, without question, the grandmother to your children. Your heart is looking for a mother. You have one.

I know that it is so easy for us to look at what we don't have and feel we lack something. But, if you would just look at what you do have and see the beauty of the life you have been blessed with. Your step mother didn't just get pregnant and get stuck with you, she reached out into the world looking for a child and she chose you.

When I look back at my life, I can't imagine how having a person around that didn't love or want me could have made my life better. Thank God this person is gone and open the door wide open for the love that is being freely given to you. I did and I don't regret it for a second.

Answer 7

You are very lucky to have your stepmother in your life. I wish I knew the right words to tell you. I will say prayers for you. One thing I will say is Never ever tell your daughter anything bad about your birth mother. I have a 9 year old son and his father walked out when I was pregnant. I have always told my son he has a father named Victor (although he has a dad that has been there for him since he was 6 months old like your step mom) and I have never said anything bad about him. I simply just told him "he was not ready to be a father but he does love you". When asked "would you ever want to speak to or see your father?" He exclaims "Nah! I've got better things to do!" These are his feelings all on his own. He loves his dad that has been there. No his dad (non biological dad) and I are not together but he and his entire family love him like he was blood. I thank the lord everyday for that and I work at leaving the past behind us. Take care and my prayers go out to you.

Answer 8

Be there for her and consider out and get her to talk to her mothers and dads... by skill of her chatting with them supplies her extra concepts on wether or no longer she needs to maintain it or maybe adoption she has extra concepts now than she would have the capacity to later. Her mothers and dads will discover out finally in simple terms be sure it particularly is to no longer previous due. And be a sturdy buddy and consider out and help/instruction manual her to make the concepts she needs and not what everyone "needs" her to do because of the fact she am has to handle it later on in existence no remember what she makes a decision... and prefer the lady till now stated her mothers and dads will strengthen to the assumption and particular there's a raffle they're going to loose it however the won't harm her or the toddler. So inspire her to make her judgements which will earnings her interior the top.

Answer 9

You might find relief if you give yourself permission to grieve. Look at the words she used. You must feel as if you had a chance at renewing the relationship and then she died before you could do it. Let your heart hurt for a while and let the grief and hurt over this out. Then rebuild with the wonderful family and mom-of-your-heart that it sounds like you have.

Answer 10

I hate that this has happened to you . She is a sicko and best out of your life. You certainly don't want your daughter exposed to her strange behavior. I am glad you have a nice step mother and I know she is glad to have you! And remember this: we are responsible for our friends, not our relatives! We had no choice in them. Those that you chose by heart, rather than were chosen for you, are the best!