Our 16 year old Daughter is a Compulsive Liar?

Question

She was never like this until she met this boy and since then she has gotten into trouble at school - 4 detentions in 7 weeks. Until this she was never in any trouble at all. We have forbidden her to see him and while she claims to have broken up with him she has lied to us repeatedly about this. We have tried turning off her cell phone, grounding her and she still manages to contact him. She will use her friends to help her sneak around and lie to us. When she gets caught in her lies she gets very angry at the person who catches her and strongly insists that they have broken up. They have not we have so much proof and she lies her way through all of it. She lies to her friends her co-workers, us and teachers. This is getting out of control and only getting worse. How do we break her of this compulsive lying and how do we get this boy out of her life if she is not willing to do it herself?

We tried allowing her see him on a limited controlled basis because we are aware that if we didn't it only pushes them together. But her grades have gone down, they skipped school and it is costing her other friendships because she is lying to them and using them to cover her lies. His parents are of no help at all we have tried talking to them; the Monday they skipped school they let him have a party at their house that weekend. She continues to lie and tell us she is not seeing him yet we continue to find proof that says other wise. When she is confronted with her lies she becomes extremely angry and violent. We are getting her professional help but are at a loss as to what else we can do to help her.

Answer 1

I wouldn't let her have any privileges NOTHING at all, no phone to anyone, no going anywhere with anyone, nothing unless your with her except school and work and if she starts missing work to sneak and see him I'd make her quit her job, then she'd only have school and home. I'd take her and pick her up from school too until she brings her grades up. As her grades come up and detention stops she'd start getting her privileges back. Hasn't her counselor offered any suggestions? If not, I'd find a new one.

Answer 2

It is important that you emphasize with your daughter. While that might be difficult to do, it is the first step towards the right direction. Put yourself in her shoes, and see how you feel.

Now why she's lying has alot to do with the environment surrounding her. Lying in her circumstances can be thought of a measure of self defence - with more details in the next paragraph. In other words, she is decieving others because she feels that she cannot trust them and if she does, then her own well being (the relationship) will be in jeporady.

Whether or not she's a compulsive lair is something that I have no expertise and should be dealt with by a professional pyschologist (preferably specialized in teens). However, it is possible that she is lying to defend her face. It might be in her personality that after she has made a statement - i.e the breakup - that she want - or maybe pressured - others to think that statement is true. When she figured out that she can't do so, she begins to sneak around without damaging her reputation in, precisely speaking, your eyes. After her acts are discovered, it then would seem natural for her to use lies to cover up her actions, and, subsequently when her lies are caught, she would get angry because it loses her face.

Your focus right now should be how to repair the relationship between your daughter and you rather than ending her relationship with the boy. In other words, focus on restorative measures rather than punishment. Perhaps that boy also has a story to his deviant behaviour, if in fact they were true. Nevertheless, there seems to be a great deal of misunderstanding/miscommunication between you and your daughter.

A fantastic way to do so would be through a "community circle" or a "peacemaking circle". It is a practice done worldwide to repair familial and social relationships and even in some areas as a replacement to legal courts. It is where members of conflicting affairs sit down along with members of the community and a facilitator and work towards a solution together. If you decide that you think such a program will benefit you, contact your local community centreS - and I emphasize "s" because it is not practiced everywhere so you might really have to look for it. If you choose otherwise or it's not aviliable, then, as I stated in the beginning, put yourself in your daughters shoes and work from there. The book "Verbal Judo" becomes very helpful in dealing with this, and every other type of conflict.

Hope you and your family can work things out.

Answer 3

If you are religious then pray for her.

If you aren't then you do the following:
-Affirm that she is a good girl and will return to her old ways
-Affirm that the boy will leave her
-Affirm that another boy will come to take that boys place
-Make sure you affirm that the replacement will do her good
-Read books having to do with either metaphysics or positive mentality
-Books by Louise L. Hay might be of good help

I know that your daughter will get over she's a smart girl and knows that this is not the path for her.

Answer 4

well if she really likes the guy why not let her have him? just tell her that if she gets another detention at school she will not alowed to see her boyfriend for a week or so. and just lock the door and leave her in her room with no comunication just make sure to check in her cupboard or so where she could have hidden her comunication stuff.

Answer 5

taking away all of your daughter's privileges doesn't seem to be working. it's no crazy coincidence that as soon as you start completely controlling your child's life, they rebel. while she can't skip school all the time and continually lie, you can't make her drop any of those habits.

try, instead, talking to her about it. sit her down and explain that you want her to succeed in school and to be happy, but lying and ditching isn't the way there. don't accuse, don't be intense, just try to level with her.

then promise to stop meddling in her affairs. don't call the parents of her (ex?) boyfriend or friends, don't shove your opinions on her boyfriend problem down her throat, try to avoid therapy and professional help, and let her figure this out on her own. she has to grow up now, and she's just testing the waters. i assure you, she'll grow out of it.

Answer 6

tell her he can meet him but only in the house when you're around. ask her to bring him for dinner.