Why can't I let go of the past and focus on the present?

Question

I keep thinking of my exbf, people from highschool, and I let it affect my thinking now. I feel so bad about myself. I just never got over anything, it manifested into depression for me. I had anxiety growing up and I couldn't really socialize with others. I was extremely sensitive and I always placed my self-worth or value on what others said. I was feeling fine over the last few days. But now the past is coming back to bite me in the but again. I want to move on. There are things I like to do now. I'm afraid every move I make for the rest of my life will be critiqued by these people. Why do I care? I don't know. I feel like no one accepts me. But I've never accepted myself. I am working on it, but I just want to be free of the past and not let it rule my life. (I'm in therapy already, so I don't know what to do.)

Answer 1

I used to have very similar problems. But then, one day, I thought, "Who are all these people to judge me? Why are they so great anyway?" I thought about how much smarter I was than them. I thought about how much prettier I was than them. Why did I like them so much? I certainly did NOT want to be like them, to be cruel and devious like them. I thought about how desperate for self-esteem they must be to tear me down. I thought about how jealous they must be and how good it must have felt for them to 'feel' better than me. I realized that I was putting them on a pedistal for belittling me and how ridiculous of a notion that was. It wasn't easy, but I finally said, "I just don't give a ----." It didn't take therapy or medication for me to finally come to these realizations. It was probably a combination of time, maturity, and just being sick of being tortured so badly.

Now, I don't associate with any of those people anymore. In fact, I don't associate with anyone who makes me feel bad. Though I still like to have help making decisions and I still find myself seeking approval, I only look to those I trust. I have three very close friends who will help me in any situation. One girl I have been friends with since Kindergarten, another girl I met at work about 7 yrs ago, and the third friend I met in college about 5 yrs ago. Out of three, I might go to one certain girl with a specific problem, because I know who will be best suited to help me think through a difficult decision. On the other hand, there is one friend that is much better at raising my self esteem than the other two. And still the other is always there to have fun with me when I am sad. I don't know why they are friends with me, but I know that they are NOT my friend just so they can pick on me to make themselves feel better.

My advice is to be your own friend first. Talk to yourself, aloud or not. When you have a problem, have pretend conversations with whomever you imagine your very best friend to be like. Then when you meet her, she will be easy to pick out from the crowd because you already know her very well in your mind.

Answer 2

It doesn't matter what others say. It matters what you say and think. I had the same problems you had and are having right now. I was in therapy and on medication, which may work for you, but that's a decision only you can make. Maybe you need an anti-depressant to get you back on track. I recommend the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. It's an old book, but it really is encouraging when you're feeling like there's no way out. Even if you read a little at a time, I promise, you will get something out of it. Alot of what Mr. Peale's book is about is spirituality, but it's mainly about the way you think and when you think positively, it just changes your whole outlook on things. I really recommend it. Take it from someone who knows what you've been going through. Take care of yourself.

Answer 3

You are already on the right track. You're very aware of your own behavior and state of emotions and mind and trying to sort things out with a therapist and by asking questions. You have the energy and focus to deal with this. You've probably heard this before but it bares repeating. It took quite a while (years) for you to be conditioned in a way that you have these problems so don't try to hurry a solution.

I said conditioned and by that I mean there were external factors, some probably beyond your control, but you also have a responsibility for how you got here. You have adopted one or more unproductive habits that have at least two effects. One is to dull the pain/anxiety you feel and the other is to keep you in the past.

In that past, and you initially had no control over this, you accepted that you were inadequate, incomplete, incompetent or unworthy. Your habit repeatedly reminds you and reinforces this unconsciously held opinion and keeps you depressed. You don't risk yourself with others, again unconsciously, for fear that you will experience further rejection and when you do, you invite rejection to prove to yourself you are unworthy.

You will learn how to deal with this. You will discover how you are beating yourself up and how to stop but getting there is complex and very personal.

After a good therapist the next-best help will be with a group of people who share similar problems. Get a recommendation from your therapist but if s/he doesn't believe in them, still find a group. A 12-step group like Emotions Anonymous might be right for you. Keep on trying different kinds of groups until you find one that helps, then stick with it.

The right group will make you feel welcome, let you know there are many who suffer similarly, give you confidence that you can get past this, provide friendship, and support you in all kinds of unexpected ways. You're already on a well-worn path that many have walked before you. Good luck!

Answer 4

Give the therapy some time. Also go out there and try to make new friends, do new things, go to new places and don't worry about what others may say or think about you. Sometime people say mean things that may not even be true b/c they are jealous. Do what feels right for you, make the best of what you got. I think all this will pass, just give it some time and try to think positive.

Answer 5

Hello Roswelld. It is so good that you are going to therapy. You will find a lot of things about yourself and you will heal the things that are bothering you. As you said you have to accept yourself first in order to be accepted by others. Focus in the present and your plans for the future. Live day by day. Enjoy the good things about life. [e-mail]

Answer 6

Because the past is what affects how we make decisions today. How we choose the poeple in our lives to the lessons we have learned. Most of us think about our exes because we wonder what happened, why things went wrong. I know that we pick people according to how we feel about ourselves. If we don't think highly of ourselves we usually pick people who mistreat us. Maybe you need to start taking care of yourself, it sounds like you put yourself last. You can get free of the past by letting go. Letting go doesn't mean you forget, it means you stop letting it have rent space in your head.

Answer 7

Keep in mind that you are the sum total of all you thoughts, feelings and most of all experiences.....Everything you've ever done, said, seen, had happen to you shapes who you are today and how you perceive and react to the present....
The trick is to not dwell on the past because you cannot change it....what you can do is use it to shape your present and your future.....good or bad.... remember that good things sometimes come from bad experiences, and bad things sometimes come from even the best of experiences.....
Most of all it isn't what other people think of you ....it's what you think of yourself....

Answer 8

The only cure for this that I know of is to give it all to Jesus and grow close to Him.

Answer 9

Hi roswell,
You must must must must see this movie called "the secret". I have the same problems as you and it has shown me soooooo much about it!!!!!!! Please please please please watch it!! The Secret!! Get it today!!!!!! I promise you wont want to miss it