The teen has a caring mother who has given out groundings, and taken privelages away due to bad behavior. She has always been involved with the teens sports,school and social life.The teen is now dating and is a sports star in school. Lately, the teen has been constantly starting arguments with the mother, usually when she tell's the teen to do chores, buys the teen shoes on sale, or checks up on the teens computer. She feels her teen thinks that they are grown and in control. The teen is always telling the mother to shut her mouth, and calling her names and at times cursing at her, plus telling her " it's your fault for not spanking me". The father has never been involved in the teens life, and so the mom has taken that into consideration for the teens feelings, she has also given the teen some space because she remembers what it's like to be a kid. The mom is at her wits end, and is enforcing the teen to work over summer break. But, what can you do for punishment after a certain age?
2007-03-08 13:26:22 · 8 answers · asked by D S 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
There is a lot of good wisdom in those first 3 answers. Here are a few ideas that may be helpful:
1. If you (the teen) are rude to the suppliers (mom), you don't get the supplies (stuff). The idea is basic. Much of what he/she has is stuff that is above and beyond the basics of what the teen needs to have. If your teen will not comply with basic rules, then those perks are gone. Cell phones, brand name clothes, tv's in the room, computer etc.
Basically you need to let the teen know that this old way of being rude to you is not going to work. If he/she persists in being rude, refuses chores, etc., then there are consequences. Being on a sports team is a privilege. A computer in the room---> a privilege, dating---> another privilege. All such privileges can be revoked if the teen shows by his/her behavior that they are not ready for that responsibility.
A really good family therapist could be an asset. There are a number of great books on parenting. "Scream Free Parenting" is terrific as is "Relief for hurting parents".
The teen needs to feel the responsibility for the problem is in his/her lap rather than have it be your problem. If your teen is disrespectful to you, they are not ready to be out for sports teams, dates, etc.
A while ago I answered a similar question on dealing with a 10 year old who cussed out the principal and got suspended. Click on my I.D. and read that answer. You want to be consistent with consequences because the consequences tell the teen that the behavior is not okay. The consequences do not magically change the behavior, but if you teen chooses to not be on sports teams, date, have a computer, etc (by his/her rude behaviors), then let the teen know that you respect their choice.
You can make it their problem by saying something like - "this is your chore list. If you have not done your chores to my satisfaction by 8pm tonight, then you will be choosing to have no privileges until the tasks are complete. If you refuse to follow restriction (by playing on the computer), then you are telling me you cannot handle the priveledge of even having a computer in your room. That means it will be removed from your room.
Your choice of words is critical. Basically, you (emphasis on you) will never again ground your kid. Your kid may make the choice to be grounded. They are the teacher - you are the responder. You respond to their choices.
Sorry this is soooo long. Hope it goes well.
2007-03-08 15:17:05 · answer #1 · answered by georgiagolfer72 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like the teen is a spoiled brat. The thing that works best for me is taking the cell phone away. But what I like to do is come to a mutual decision about behavior and outcome. Teens do feel like they are adults because they are so close to it. But this is the time they need to learn how adults behave. Punishing them doesn't always work and just serves to make a larger wedge between parent and child.
When ever I feel distant from my children its because we arent spending time alone together. That teen does love the mother but isnt showing it. Does he know how mom feels when he acts this way? If it were me, I'd take them out to dinner and talk. I think I would also show him the bills and explain why we shop for sales.
Teens are so hard, but just talking to them works best for me.
I wish her the best.
2007-03-08 14:18:49 · answer #2 · answered by My_Two_Centz 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Disciplining should have started when the child was alot younger. You do not wait until the child is a teen ager and then wonder what went wrong, but putting that aside and having raised Three teens myself, I can tell you at that age they think they are Grown and know it all. They also think Parents are the biggest Idiots they have ever seen. I told my children when they were teens that i loved them very much but I absolutely would not allow disrespect. If one of mine had told me to Shut Up, I would have washed their Mouth out with Soap and grounded them. Its called Tough Love and you cannot allow your teens to intimadate you. She needs to set the Rules and stick by them, no exceptions. Hopefully when her Daughter goes off to College she will learn a few things and one day look back and realise Mom was not that bad after all.
2007-03-08 13:37:16 · answer #3 · answered by donna_honeycutt47 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tough Love.
Make a list of house rules.
Have a family meeting.
Write a contract of rules and acceptable behavior,
and what will happen if the teen is not cooperating.
Tough Love!
Stip the room of everything except her mattress, sheets and pillow!
take away the phone, cut off her cell phone, disconnect the computer, take away the car keys.
stop being her friend.
cut off her cell phone, computer, and all things electronic.
drug test her!
www.drphil.com
check on his site, turn her world upside down
AND STOP BEING HER FRIEND!
you cannot make up for her father being around.
It's natural for a teen to pull away from the mother.
But It's unacceptable in your house to not be treated with
DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
You must also in Turn TREAT HER WITH DIGNITY AND RESPECT.
Tell her you are gonna take her on the Dr. Phil show!!!
2007-03-08 14:05:47 · answer #4 · answered by Lilly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't do anything for the teen. My son is thirteen and starting doing many of the same things you described and I realized it's because I give him way too much. Cut him/her off for a while, no money, no rides, no dating. Let him/her know how much they really need you and if they don't give respect they don't get any extras. Just the basics. If they need shoes, go buy a ten dollar pair. See how the star likes that.
2007-03-08 13:42:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm not going to tell someone how to raise their children, but I just thought I'd tell you something about my generation. I am a teen myself, and we all go through this! I sometimes feel like I know everything-and that I'm in control, i tend to forget that I'm just in highschool! I think that all parents have a very hard job! And to those who don't have teens yet-you think the terrible twos are bad just wait! We get worse!!! Just threaten to take the childs car away-that really gets us!!! Best of luck!
2007-03-08 15:20:42 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Send him to another home to live? I don't know what to tell you. Take him out of the sports, talk to his teacher, and talk to an authority figure.
2007-03-08 14:43:20 · answer #7 · answered by chrystalbelle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should have your child see the school counselor. their may be something else going on that you don't realize and needs help. may be she is afraid to talk with her mom.
2007-03-08 14:38:46 · answer #8 · answered by dolphinnut798 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋