Or should I save myself now? My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years...(4 years this October)..we have a daughter together who is now 14 months old. We want the best for her. Much of our relationship has been a lot of on and off. I've done really crappy stuff and he's done really crappy stuff. We've also been through a lot of things that constantly bring us closer and closer. Just recently, we have finally gotten ourselves on track (I've been there but now he is too...for the most part). I have taken care of my daughter more than he up until recently and he is a good father...seeing as he didn't really have one around. Marraige has been mentioned in the past but now he wants to start actually saving for it....and be married in approximately 5 years or so. We are only 20 and 21 but we do love each other and we are the only people that know how to put up with each other. I don't want to be in a on-off relationship the rest of my life but I want a family for my daughter!
2007-03-08 03:38:45 · 20 answers · asked by JusME 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I WANT to wait the five years....but honestly...I want to wait longer than that. 25 and 26 seem so young to get married...I'm a little scared.
2007-03-08 03:52:30 · update #1
All relationships have ups and downs. It sounds like you two are getting on the right track. The fact that he doesn't want to rush into marriage right now and wants to wait five years, is a good thing. You will be able to save money for the wedding, finish school (assuming you're going to school) and get yourselves more settled in your careers. If you two keep working toward making a better relationship and quit doing "really crappy stuff", you should be able to pull it together and make it. Best wishes!
2007-03-08 03:45:17 · answer #1 · answered by Proud to be 59 7 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Provided both of you are older and wiser, sure. Just realize that both of you will have to work extra hard to make sure the relationship does not slip back into old habits.
I think getting married would be the best for your child, provided he is a good dad, and can be a good husband. In that case, you really should do it. It's obvious you both care about each other.
If possible, can you get married sooner? I think that this may help keep your relationship on track. You will be a family now. Age is not so much a factor, as your situation is a bit more adult than most at this age.
You should also go to pre-marital counselling. Don't worry. Lots of couples do this, and some religions demand it. It's to help work out problems so you have a better chance at having a happy marriage.
For the wedding....Can your parents help? Can one of you pick up an extra part time job?
You can always get married at City Hall (or equivalent) for very little money. Rings can be promise rings or inexpensive ($150 or less) wedding bands. You can always have a "re-commitment" ceremony at a later date, in which you can have the big wedding you have always dreamed about! When you have the money to do so!
If you stick it out the way it is, it may or may not last. I think actually getting married may help, since it shows you are legally committed to one another.
Either way, good luck!
P.S. Since you want to wait, that's fine, but I would suggest keeping him at a distance. Let him see his child, but do not become too involved until you are ready to get married. I say this because less long term relationships work out happily without marriage within 4 years (there ARE exceptions, but you say both of you have had dating "issues" in the past). You may say you feel too young to get married, but you also had a child very young. This is more about her now and not just you.
P.P.S. Do you really want to risk the fact that your baby may end up without a father, if he decides he doesn't want to wait anymore? I think all the fatherless children in the world can agree that we don't need anymore "baby dadda drama". Having a child is an adult thing to do. And it was your actions. Don't blame the child. If you love your bf, don't wait. I'm not saying be unhappy, but it's a fact that young moms lose out on young adulthood. Who's to say you won't be happy married? How will it be so different from now, except your daughter will have a mom AND a dad at home?
2007-03-08 11:53:37 · answer #2 · answered by reginachick22 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know you think that this is the only guy that will put up with you or ever understand you and visa versa for him but that's just not true. You are 20 & 21 years old. You have YEARS ahead of you. I waited until I was 28 before I got married and am now 32. I STILL don't know if I waited long enough (depends on which day you ask me). The two of you will always be a part of each others life because of the baby but I think your boyfriend is right by saying wait a few years but I also think that he, subcontiously, isn't ready yet either - otherwise he's say LET'S GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW!!! I LOVE YOU!!! Take your time and think things over for now. Good Luck & Love to you.
2007-03-08 11:45:42 · answer #3 · answered by cannonkd 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, no I don't think it will work. I understand that you want your daughter to have a family, but wouldn't it be harder on your daughter if you and your boyfriend were to marry only to get divorced?
I've been in a relationship similar to yours, and let me just say that no matter how long you've been together, you are not the only people who can actually put up with each other. There are plenty of people out there.
Considering that you and your boyfriend have been on and off so much and that you're so young, I don't think your relationship is stable enough to make it to marriage. Even if you wait the five years, I doubt either of you will end up going through with it.
If you want your daughter to have a happy life, then stop arguing and go your separate ways. He can still spend time with his daughter and you can open your heart to someone who will appreciate you and who you get along with.
Your daughter will be a lot happier if she lives in a peaceful household, whether there's one parent or two.
2007-03-08 20:22:20 · answer #4 · answered by Galoshes 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
SO you've grown up. So you've made a few mistakes, we all do. ONly diff is you made your mistakes with the same person. The five year plan sounds like a good idea. YOu may not even decide to wait that long...but at least two years sounds like a good idea. When one crappy person gets together with another crappy person, thats a lot of crap. Lots of ppl are unrealistic and think that something magical is going to happen if they mix their crap with someone elses....but thats not what you are saying, at all. Keep moving in a positive direction. You need to each have a full separate life to be able to contribute to a healthy relationship. Say a prayer. Listen to the small voice inside you. Stay true to yourself. Sounds to me like you are growing up and ready for an adult relationship. All the best to you. May God bless the both of you, and your daughter.
2007-03-08 12:02:32 · answer #5 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't settle for the one you can live with. You deserve the one you can't live without.
You sound like you are not in love. If that's the case, you won't be "a family for my daughter" You obviously love your daughter, and it seems like your boyfriend does, too. If you stay with him because "we are the only people that know how to put up with each other" you will not last the five years until your wedding. Your daughter will grow up surrounded by love whether you and her father stay together or not. It is not a good idea to stay together because of her. Nobody will benefit from that situation.
That being said, if you do truly love your boyfriend try to work things out. Talk about your past, make plans for the future. Make it clear that this will not be an "on-off" commitment, this is for life. Neither of you will be happy if you are constantly bringing up past mistakes (on either side). Talk to each other, apologize for your mistakes and forget it. Move on. Go to counseling if it helps.
2007-03-08 11:54:23 · answer #6 · answered by Just tryin' to help 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I don't get it... You didn't feel like you were "too young" to have a kid at 18, but you feel you'll be "too young" to get married at 25? Got news for you, sweetie: having kids is a much bigger committment than marriage could ever be. Marriage involves two adults who make their own decisions, and by having a child you're taking on a whole new kind of responsibility - a responsibility for a new life. If you were comfortable to commit to a lifetime of parenting - marriage should be a piece of cake. You've got your head on backwards. If this is how you feel now, you and him will not even be together in 5 years - which might be ok, since by then you will (hopefully) have matured enough to be able to make a better choice of a mate. Meanwhile... USE BIRTH CONTROL.
2007-03-08 11:58:44 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
well so you love each other thats good and you do have a while to think about getting married
but here are some things to think about k
#1 will he be a father that your kids need him to be or will he try his hardest and just fal short
#2 marriage is hard work and somtimes you will want to so kick his butt to the curb but can you and your partner swollow your pride on the small things and the small fights to make this work
#3 are you happy with him mean really happy
#4 when you are with him do you feel like you want to do better and that you have his support in what ever you do and do you do the same for him
#5 you are very young to get married so are you ready to be married and if so is he the guy you want to marry
i cant even imagine how scary that would be but if you do love him and he isnt abusive or have and addiction to something or something crazy like that then you can make it work and you can be happy together but it will be hard work and you will have to swollow your pride and comprimise ALOT lol
email me if you wanna talk good luck hun
2007-03-08 11:49:46 · answer #8 · answered by carmelfude2003 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you watch Gilmore Girls, this sounds exactly like this show.
I dont know, you dont sound so sure and I would say that speaks louder than anything else. If you arent sure, then your shouldnt go through with anything until you are. Its nice to have a family for your daughter, but you wouldnt want to marry someone just for that reason, what if you wind up really hating this man? The "for the sake of the kids" marriages that I have seen rarely ever work out and I dont want you to have wasted your time. Maybe try to take a real break from each other, date other men and see if you really want this man or if there is something better for you out there.
Good luck in your decision
2007-03-08 11:48:17 · answer #9 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Your daughter needs a stable, committed family NOW. Not in five years. The sooner you get married, and start living like a family, the better. The longer you continue with this on-again, off-again thing, the most likely it will end up off. You and your boyfriend are young, but you are not children. It's time to take responsibility for the situation you created. Saving for your dream wedding is for people who haven't already started a family. Go down to the justice of the peace, and get married. If you want to save for a big party, go ahead. But do it as a married couple. Better yet, save for your daughter's education. Good luck.
2007-03-08 12:02:14 · answer #10 · answered by Tiss 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋