heartbroken what to do now?

Question

my wife was due to have our baby son today but last night after going to the hospital for a check up we found out that we had lost our darling baby boy, there was no heartbeat. My wife and I are totally devasted but I am so worried for her and am not sure what to do? we have set up an memorial site at http://baby-mark-donald-our-angel.gonetoosoon.co.uk/
which is something we both wanted but I wory that my wife is not going to be able to cope with this loss. Any helpful answers appreciated. thanks

thankyou for everyone who has replied and also to the people who have lit a candle on our sons site. We have just chosen our memorial stone for him. We are going to consider counselling oncemy wife feels more settled as right now she is in-consolable.

There are so many great answers but I am still to upset to choose so I have put it to a vote. thanks again to everyone

Answer 1

Oh My God, I am So so sorry to hear that.
My deepest condolences to you both.
How can I tell you how to cope,
god bless.


Do not stand at my grave and forever weep.
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and forever cry.
I am not there. I did not die.

Answer 2

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. You must both be absolutely devasted and are in shock. You seem a very caring husband and that is terrific. Whilst you are worrying and caring for your wife, I hope you have someone you can talk to about your feelings if you feel you cannot add to your wife's grief. You don't say why you worry that your wife is not going to be able to cope with this loss, and it will be a strain for you. She needs time to grieve. Be careful and watch for depresssion. There are support groups available to help.
I wonder have you any faith, or if you attend a church?
Whilst you are feeling so raw, you may wonder why God has done this, and be angry with Him. That is perfectly understandable, but please draw close to Him, whatever you feel like. He is the great Comforter.
I will certainly remember you in my prayers and I'm sure others on here will too.
The only advice I can offer is for you and your wife to be there for each other, and go through the grieving together. Accept whatever support you are offered.
Praying for you

Answer 3

I am so sorry for your loss.

I also lost my firstborn daughter... I was 38 weeks when a regular scan showed my beautiful girl had died. There are no words that I can give you that will take the pain away from you or your wife.
It will all seem to much to bare at this time, its all so raw for both of you. People want to help and I found that just being with someone close helped me a little. The emotions you go through are hard... anger...sorrow...desperation.. searching for a reason.. asking if you had done something different whether the baby would still be ok...
But please... talk to each other... be there for each other... dont let it divide you. It made my relationship with my husband stronger... we held each other together... we cried together... we screamed together...and we are still together now. You never get over something like this ..my daughter would have been 15 this year and I still hurt...but you learn to cope with it...deal with it ...but never ever get over it.
After a while...we decided to try again and I was lucky enough to have 2 healthy sons.
I am so very lucky to have my sons who are 13 and 9... and I thank god every day for them. They helped with my grief..
I would like to send a hug to you and your wife...and you are in my thoughts... If I can be any help...if at any time you would like a chat..please feel free to email me. Sometimes someone who has experianced what we have been through and someone outside the situation can help.

God bless you both

Jen xx

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear your devastating news. I sincerely wish that I had some wise words to say to you that would help heal both your broken hearts, but I sadly I don't. Perhaps your hospital or doctors can refer you to a local support group where you can meet other parents who have experienced the same tragic loss as yourselves. Sometimes it really helps to talk with other people who have themselves experienced the pain that you must both be feeling right now. You sound like a really wonderful caring husband and I'm sure that you are being very supportive to your wife, but don't forget about yourself too. It cannot be easy coping with your own feelings of loss and trying to help your wife with her depression at the same time. Both of you should be as free with your emotions as you want right now. Cry as much as you want and if you feel like it, get angry too, you have been dealt a very cruel blow by fate.

I think the memorial to your lost children is a wonderful idea and I have lit a candle for your baby. My thoughts are with you both at this very sad time.

Answer 5

I am emotionally soo sorry for what u went through..it has to be very difficult and u will never get over this...the lord will give u a way to cope as no one on here can even imagine the pain u are going through right now..Be there for your wife and the lord will take care of you both....your baby boy is safely in God's hands and is now an angel of the lord above watching over the both of you along with your other precious babies..I know a girl who lost her baby at 2 months shy from age 1 from sids which was also very difficult to help ease her pain..she has learned to cope and now pregnant again...

God took your baby but he will always be there in your home,heart and dreams always...the lord just knew that your son was a special angel and brought him home to be with him. Just pray and realize that little mark will be waiting for you when u come home to him....Again I am terrible sorry and wish i could have been of more help to you both and I hope and pray that u and your wife will have the will power and stength to overcome this...

*~~*To Baby Mark Donald*~~*....god bless you baby boy!!!

Answer 6

My condolences to both of you - I'm so so sorry. I think that setting up a memorial is a really good idea as it can help you realise and go through the feelings of mourning for your little baby. If you feel that you would like some anonymous or friendly support, you could try the website www.bliss.org.uk - they are a premature baby charity but there are a number of parents on there who have suffered the loss of a baby. Have a look through the message board topics and you might find it useful to chat to other people on there who have had similar experiences.
God be with you, lots of hugs - I appreciate it's a difficult time. xxx

Answer 7

I am so sorry for your loss. This is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. My son Truitt was stillborn on March 17, 2001. Please take lots of pictures, the hospital took hand and footprints for us as well. Your wife may not be able to cope with this loss at first, but she will eventually. Time really is the healer in this situation. Let her cry, scream or whatever she needs to do. There is no really normal reaction to this situation...it is devestating and sad to everyone...

My best advice is be there for her, let her feel how she does, don't listen to anyone who is telling you or her how to feel and know that eventually there will be good days.

My heart goes out to you and your wife. This is something that no one should have to go through.


You are in my thoughts and prayers, here is my e-mail if you have any questions or would like to talk to someone who has been through it. [e-mail].

Answer 8

I hope you can see by the number of responses you have received so far that all of us on this site are your friends and our hearts go out to you and your wife.
You both MUST mourne the loss of your child and unless someone has been in that situation they and I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are in right now.
But you and your wife will get through this. It will get better. Not today or tomorrow or anytime in the near future but it will get easier. You will never completely get over the loss but the pain will ease.
I am so very very sorry and if i can give you one piece of info then it would be to have councilling when you are ready.
I know you want to be strong for your wife but you need to grieve too he was after al your son too.
Also remember that others have gone through this before you and may also be able to talk to you.
I pray that God will carry you both through this time.(I know he will).

Answer 9

What a devastating thing to happen at what should have been such a lovely time. I am so sorry for your loss.

You sound like you are a very caring man and will look after your wife in every way, show her your loss is a big as hers and show her how much you care for her. But don't forget to look after yourself too.

I don't think anyone can say anything that will help. I hope you can both get through this together. x x

Answer 10

Dint know if it will be help full but i lost a baby years ago he would of been 22 this year, i was very young but had a loving partner and we were both devastated lost my mum that year too so things were not looking good thought there was no point to life, but now i have a family and am so happy and i will always remember the past as we do, but i wont and didn't stop it from moving my life on, there are unfortunately reasons for things happening and one day you will see that, but for now there will be lots of tears sadness and anger i hope you have a loving relationship to help you cope with whats up ahead, it wont be easy believe me but it will be OK, try to have a peace full night ,

Answer 11

There is nothing that I,or anyone can do or say that is going to make you feel any better.I can sympathise with you however. I lost my beautiful daughter four and a half years ago to meningitis, four years after losing my wife to cancer (just a few weeks after giving birth to our son). Me and my son have both lost both our girls . We draw strength from each other. Even though he's only eight, my son is ,mentally at least tougher than I am. But kids are aren't they? My point being just like we are here for each other, so must you two
Nothing will ever make up for the loss of your child .I'm guessing that you're fairly young yourself, in which case, hold on to each other, take each day as it comes, and life will sort itself out in time. I know that's easy for me to say now, and no doubt impossible for you to understand, but believe me, things will get better.