should i make him choose??????????

Question

my husband has another child with his ex whom we hardly ever see. It has cost us so much drama and hurt. i love her like she is my own child and i wish that she was. the thing of the matter is she is really not his and it is causing my family so many problems that i want to tell him he has to get a test done and let her go, but i don't want to lose my husband in the process. child support, we can't afford. we can hardly afford to supply for our own family. please guide me in the right direction. the courts won't grant a paternity test because he signed a paper saying she was his.

i don't want to lose her and i know she is not his because him and the ex both has told me. i wish that she was. it would make things a lot easier for me. then i would make sure things were done right but why should i have to support someone else's child when she dont' know who the father is and just wants to hang on to my husband. she put him in jail all the time over some stupid sh*t and i am tired of looking over my shoulder everytime we go somewhere my family can't be a family and do family things because of this

Answer 1

It is not unreasonable for you to want to put your children and family first. But you married a man whom you knew had a child from a previous relationship. When you married him, you chose to accept him and everything that came along with him. Now, you're questioning the paternity of the child to whom he has bonded before he met you? It's a false choice. Regardless of how often he sees this child, he has developed an emotional bond to not only the child but his role in being this child's father. That's not simply going to go away even if he was proven not to be the child's father. If you come between a father and his child (biological or otherwise), you will never live it down. Why? You are not only challenging how your husband views himself and his life but you're making him question his choice in YOU. You knew about this child, married him anyway and committed yourself to the situation. Now it's an issue with you? That's not fair. I assume that your husband possesses many wonderful qualities that you find admirable: responsible, loyal, good father, hard worker, etc... Would you really want to be with someone could take just betray who he is by walking away from his perceived responsibility to this child?

Moreover, if you pursue the paternity issue rather than the expense issue, your motivation for dealing with this situation becomes suspect. Is this really about the child or your husband's ex with whom he still has a connection because of the child? Removing the child equals removing the ex once and for all. Is this really the motivation? Only you know. But even it's not, it's a logical jump for someone to make including your husband. YOU unnecessarily become the issue.

You can remove all the drama by reaffirming that you and your husband are a team. You both have baggage and issues that you expect the other to accept. As a team, deal with what you say is the central issue and your main concern: your financial stability. Sit down with your husband and, as a team, develop a strategy for bringing your family into financial solvency. Pull out all your receipts and bills and itemize your expenses and categorize them: fixed costs (mortgage, rent, tuition, credit cards, etc...), necessities (food, clothing, telephone, heat), and expendibles (entertainment, food, clothing, etc..). When you break your expenses down in this manner, you get a better picture of what's absolutely necessary and where waste occurs. Eliminate unnecessary spending and take that money to reduce debt and/or place in savings. Get a Costco membership and buy in bulk. Shop at K-Mart. Shop at Syms, Burlington Coat Factory, Labels for Less, etc... Negotiate lower interests on your credit cards by calling up your creditors. Make lunch at home as opposed to buying lunch.

Then look at what money comes in. Once you've done this, you can determine where you can cut costs. Make it a point to set aside money in savings. Look to save $10-$20/week initially and build from there. Get an ING Direct savings account - great interest rates! And you have to wait a week before you can withdraw your deposit. Make sure that you maximize your take home pay by adjusting your W-2 form. Pick up any book by Suze Orman. She details strategies for financial solvency regardless of your income level/financial situation and really learn about money.

Get the point? Take control over what YOU CAN CONTROL. By doing this, you are better able to alleviate your fears about your family's finances without furthering the rift between you and your husband. The other child is no longer the focus -- YOUR FAMILY IS and in a very positive way. If the child support is still an issue after this, work with your husband in developing ways that he can contribute to his child's future by renegotiating the terms for support payments. But do it as a supportive member of a team. I hope this helps.

Answer 2

What makes you think it's not his? B.c that's what you want? Hun, face it, he has a child that is not yours - I know it's hard, but you have to do what you have to do. If he has to pay child support, so be it. You knew this when you met him, right? You knew he had baggage from a previous relationship, and you accepted him then, so you still need to support him and know it's probably hard for him too. As his wife you have to overcome your feelings about this and deal with it.
He has no choice in the matter! The courts have already denied a paternity test, so just accept that this is the way things are, if you are broke, get another job (or he should get a second job) do side jobs, support your husband and help him make ends meet. That is your duty as his wife!
You should NOT have the attitude, "Her or me" that is very immature and I'm sure the child will win. My husband asked me to let my oldest son go live with his dad b/c he was more comfortable that way, but I made it VERY clear to him that I would NOT give up ANY of my children for him, and if he couldn't accept that I have this son from a previous marriage, he can leave. There is nothing holding him back! You need to accept that and support your husband, and that is how you will keep him.

Answer 3

He can go with the child and get a paternity test on his own they are costly. You know, a man can't just say, hi I'm your Dad, then when money gets tight and he gets a new wife, say I don't want to be your Dad anymore it's just not convienent. He made a decision, signed a paper and everything, that is something he should stick to, and you should be supportive, and do what you need to do to bring more income for the both of you.

Answer 4

You make no sense, you love her as your own child but, want your husband to disown her. If money is the issue someone needs to get a second job. If the issue is who is the father then you have a problem because it sounds as if your husband feels he is the father even if the paternity tests prove different. You need to ask yourself are you prepared for him to choose the child over you?

Answer 5

I dont get it you say you love her as your own and yet you want your husband to let her go from your lives.....
It is always hard to get by with another child from an ex but if she is his then he is only doing what he thinks is the right thing to do. If he finds out she is not his it will hurt him and who knows what he may still do considering he has thought of her as his for so long.. he may still want to spend time with her

Answer 6

The courts shouldn't prevent a paternity test no matter what he signed. That makes no sense. Especially nowadays with the amount of women out there lying about their children's fathers.

Answer 7

Well if he raised her as his, maybe he does not want to let her go, i think that is his decison and before you married him you knew he came with baggage, so i guess you need to deal with it and maybe he needs to get a higher paying job in order to afford child support

Answer 8

if he signed papers she is his it means he is stuck with child support