Four year old sleeps in the same bed with parents??/?

Question

I breast feed my daughter when she was an infant. When she was very young we started this she would be put into her own crib and around 2-3 in the morning she would wake up I would go and get her and she would be feed and sleep with me for the rest of the night. I was a single working mom, this was not a comfort thing it was the only way I could survive.

Now she has just turned four. She goes to her own bed at bedtime and goes to sleep with out a fight. About every other day around 4-5 in the morning she climbs into bed with me. I find it a comfort to have her there and so does she, it's kinda nice waking up with her.

My Boyfriend however...has decied its not healthy. I looked around online and found some very strong optinions from reliable sorces supporting both sides.

What do you think?

Answer 1

Put your child before your boyfriend. She is yours and not his. Use your maternal instincts. Do you feel it is unhealthy? That is all that really matters. There are opinions going either way so yours is the only one that counts.

Answer 2

I think opinions are just that....opinions. I have a 5 year old that goes to his bed the same way your daughter does, but every few nights he shows up in our bed. Our oldest and only other son/child slept with us until he was almost 7, and then just decided to start sleeping in his own bed. So here's my opinion, everyone is different. Every single child is different. Unhealthy, HARDLY!!! Life is rough at times, even for a four year old. You are her safe harbor, and her comfort zone. Be that for her, that way you are always the constant in her life. As she grows and becomes older, she will be more independent, and then you'll be wishing she would sneak in. As for the boyfriend......does he have other kids? Because I agree with the others, that he may have "selfish" motives for not wanting her in the bed. Your the Mommy, if your comfortable and it makes you and baby girl happy, then play it by ear and the changes will take place naturally. My one tip, if it begins to get earlier in the evening, or alot more often, maybe try some serious playtime to help tire her out, thus making it a little harder to wake up and go to Mom's room. But if you get one thing out of this.....Daughter needs come FIRST!!

Answer 3

I think you are the mother and he is nothing but the boyfriend. You are the one that must decided what you will allow your child to do and what you will not allow. I personally do not subscribe to the family bed theory and my child has always slept in her own bed. However if you enjoy her spend an hour of so in bed with you in the mornings that is you choice. I would take this as a sign that maybe you need to sit down with the boyfriend and figure out where you both stand on parenting ideals and beliefs before you go any further into a relationship find out if you both have smilier feelings or if you would be willing to comprise on issues you don't agree on... that way you avoid this kind of thing again later!

Answer 4

I did it with my parents for a very long time, I would do just like your daughter does and wake up in the middle of the night (usually from nightmares) and come to their room.

I think its good AND bad. I think its important to establish boundaries. Once in a while its ok to come to mommy and daddys bed but you are a big kid and need to sleep in your own room. Go to her room and comfort her until she falls asleep.

The way it affected me negatively is two fold.
1. It made me very very dependent on my parents, esp. my mother. I felt like I couldn't do anything on my own, and I still struggle with that as an adult.
2. It gave my parents no privacy to do their own thing and caused (although I think there was several factors) a rift to grow between them because they were more focused on me then on THEIR relationship. It has to be a three way street.

Boundaries are very important. I dont think what you are doing with your child is wrong at all. I think its very loving and nurturing! At the same time...think about your own relationships, will you allow your relationship with your boyfriend to suffer? You have to take a lot into perspective! I wish you the best of luck and hope you can make your own decision!!

Answer 5

You've got a Mother / Daughter bond in which your Dau feels safe. In to many cases I know of Moms that their children come 2SD and personal feels always first. All children need their Mom and Dad if he or she is around. If you notice when you've read those articles, your probably still in the dark, that's to for one make you think and for two covers their butts. B F ever fathered any children? Their is a time for your Dau to spend her sleep time in her own bed to break the total dependence on you, Your Dau needs to stand on her own feet starting at a young age to start a good self esteem of their selves, she's at a very impressionable age right now on what her values in life is going to be

Answer 6

I see nothing wrong with it. My 8 year old sometimes still comes into bed with us in the middle of the night for some reason or another. Your daughter sleeps most of the night in her own bed so I don't see a problem. She's your little girl and wants to be near you.

Answer 7

My daughter will be 4 in May. I too was a single working mom, and she slept with me. She goes to her bed at night but always comes in sometime and crawls in with me and my husband. I look at it this way...there will be a time when she will want to be on her own. When mom isn't "cool" anymore. My husband and I believe if she needs us we are there. I don't think it's unhealthy....now if they are 16 and doing it there might be a problem, but she knows that she has her own bed and she does sleep in it. Do what you feel is right. I think when it's just you raising your child, the bond you have is different. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Oh, you sound just like me! I did the same thing with my twins because it was the only way for me to sleep! I worked and had TWO babies waking up to eat in the middle of the night! My twins are now 8 and one of them will still try to sneak in bed with my husband and I. We even went so far as to change to a queen size bed (from a king) so we wouldn't have enough room for him to sleep-he still manages to do it without waking us up!

I can relate to enjoying waking up with your daughter-I love snuggling with my children! They are just so sweet! Don't let your boyfriend make you think there is something wrong with your daughter sleeping with you. It has been the two of you and that is what you are accustomed to. I wouldn't say that it is unhealthy, but it will get harder to break the habit the older she gets.

Answer 9

I think you should continue. Who is your boyfriend to say such a comment. Your daughter obviously needs the connection with her Mom and to take that away will give you more of a nighttime headache than you need.
However, if you wanted to gently persuade her otherwise, you could try and go to her bed instead of yours and stay there with her until she drifts off again.

I have co-slept with all of my kids. It's a committment and not something you can just *quit*. You've taken a role as a parent that respects the childs needs and how you transistion needs to be as respectful, YKWIM.

You're gonna get alot of horrid comments here, but unless someone is attachment parented and has successfully shared sleep, then their comments are worthless. it's like breastfeeding help, would you respect and listen to someone who gave it up or didn't succeed?.... She *will* eventually be in her own bed all night, when *she* is ready. Coming from a broken family, I'm certain she'll need you at night more than most.


Here are some links that maybe you haven't checked out yet:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp

http://www.bellaonline.com/subjects/3634.asp

http://www.attachmentparenting.org/artbenefitscosleep.shtml

http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/sleep/familybed.html

Answer 10

I'm a single parent too, and I think I have to agree with your boyfriend. It's not healthy. My best friend's sister is another single mom and she did almost the same thing you did, but backwards. She's go to bed with her daughter and then transfer her to her crib in the middle of the night and we had to try to convince her that if she kept doing that, she'd be doing that til the child was a toddler, preschooler and beyond. I know it comfortable and I know first-hand that it just allows for mom to get SLEEP, but she needs to learn to be independent and sleep in her own big-girl bed. It took me a long time to get my son to stay asleep the whole night in his bed too, but eventually you'll LOVE your daughter's new-found independence AND the extra sleep! :-)

Answer 11

Personally, if she's coming in at 5 in the morning and you're getting up at 6 or 7, I don't see a problem with it - UNLESS YOUR BOYFRIEND IS IN BED WITH YOU.