What can I do to completely forgive and forget family betrayal?

Question

Everyone else is fine because they weren't screwed over. This is family and I want to be happy and over it too. Besides the sh** starting "confrontation" factor, what can I do to not let it boil up inside of me?

Answer 1

i would just remember that despite it all, they are still your family, and by forgiving them, you would be the bigger person, and the better person in this situation. Mercy is not for the weak, it is for the good people that remember that deep inside all anyone can be is "human".
As for forgetting, you probably won't be able to any time soon, and no one should really expect you to. Time will have to heal those wounds, and over that time they should be well aware that it is their job to earn back your trust and not your job to forget what happened.

Answer 2

I've been severely betrayed by a family member as well. This person was someone I looked up to as a child, and it's still hard to deal with even this many years later. You'll never forget, and forgiving isn't easy - that will take a long time.

The best thing you can do is separate yourself from that person, if you can. You'll continue to feel angry if you have to continually deal with them on a regular basis. If you cannot separate yourself from the situation, then at the very least make sure you're feelings are known and that it's not ok. Let them know that you will be respectful of the others at family gatherings, but you will not let this person influence your life any longer. Never let anyone take away your right to feel what you feel.

All the best.

Answer 3

I think the first thing is to get boundaries in place so you're not "screwed over" again. My opinion is that the inability to forgive and forget is a protective attitude because we're afraid of being hurt again.

It will likely be easier to forgive if you can see it coming and either prevent it or escape it or respond to it in an appropriate way. For example, you might say, "Are you aware that by saying that you're hurting my feelings?" or "I can't allow you to treat me this way. I'm leaving for now and we'll try again next time."

Talane Miedaner has a great tape on boundaries called "Irresistible Attraction." She describes a step by step way to enforce your boundaries that is assertive and, I think, really effective.

Then it will be a matter of seeing this all from a different perspectives. These are just human beings who have gotten into a bad pattern. They're going to "screw up" but if you can develop some good boundaries and speak up, you'll teach them they can't "screw you over."

Often when you let people know how you're feeling they're shocked. They don't realize they've hurt your feelings. When you get that validation, "I'm so sorry - I didn't realize that" - it feels good and it's easier to forgive.

Answer 4

There's nothing worse than family betrayal but in order to get beyond that, try to forgive those who betrayed you. Forgiving is the easy part but forgetting is not always so easy. This is where your faith comes in. Don't let this fester inside of you & dictate your life. What has happened to you is in the past now, & this is a new day. You can't change anything & you have nothing to gain by harboring negative feelings after all is said & done, because that will only make you a bitter person.

Answer 5

It's not easy to forgive nor forget, when family are involved it's worst.

I was bullied at school several years ago, I never forget the time while I was being bullied and I will never forgive the bullier, I feel hate for her, nothing else.

Have you tried talking to other members of the family, putting your point of view over, if they see how this has affected you, they may see things clearer, talk to friends if you cant talk to any of these ask you doctor if you can see a councilor.

Don't bottle things up, 'punch a door if you must' as time progresses your anger will lower but as I said at the beginning you may never forgive or forget, it just depends on how big the betrayal is,

Good luck.

Answer 6

I struggled with this for years. This may sound very simplistic, but I finally came to the realization that what other people do and how they react is all about them. There really is nothing you can do about it other than accept it for what it is, and for the most part people think they are doing the right thing - even though it may not seem like it to us. It is also very important to be clear with yourself about what is and isn't okay with you, and then gently let others know when they've crossed that boundary. Setting boundaries will ruffle their feathers for a while, and then, before you know it, they'll begin to accept the new you. I hope this helps.

Answer 7

talking could help.. talk to a close frend first and share your feelings inside. facing the problem as soon as possible is a better way to prevent complications. Don't use any substance like alcohol because it doesn't solve any problems. But then again neither does water. but water put out the fire while alcohol only worsens its. when you have already talked to someone, you'll feel much better. and it will give you the confidnce to face it.

just forgive the ones who offended you but don't forget. just charge it to experience and let it a be lesson to learn from.

Answer 8

I've been where you are now, Betty. You may want to try counselling, since this thing isn't going away on its own.

Another thing you will want to do is make up your mind that your family's past behavior is NOT going to ruin your life for you. And then make it so. Find something that you enjoy doing, and do it: Past small-minded actions from your 'family' are not worth your time, energy, or thought.

Good luck, Betty.

Answer 9

stay busy set a goal and accomblish it ,try exercise it helps do something youve been wanting to accomblish if you let it get to you to much it could make things you like less enjoyable and even health problems could arise dont sweat the small stuff let it go stay busy ,stay healty good luck feel better.

Answer 10

I would see a therapist.