I'm widowed, white, with1son, age 20, that my late husband and I adopted when he was an infant; fine young man and love him dearly. He is of "mixed race" (white/black)and began dating a wonderful girl about 1 yr ago. (white)The girl's mother has real "issues" with her daughter dating my son (due to race) and kicked her out of the house several months ago. I took her in and she lives with me and my son now. She has a job and attends college part time, so does my son and both help at home. For the most part, it's an arrangement that seems to be working well. I often "feel" for her (the girlfriend) cause her Mom hardly ever calls her,sometimes emails, but it's usually negative contact. There's a sister & Dad, but they don't want to "rock the boat", I assume, and don't contact her much either, although they are on friendlier terms. I can see this hurts her. I don't pry, but want to help without causing more pain;she may be my daughter-in-law some day. Any suggestions?
2007-03-07 21:35:34 · 7 answers · asked by EvelynMine 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
My son's girlfriend did go to live with a friend after she was "removed" from her home, but that didn't prove to be a good thing for her at all..that's when we invited her to come with us. I need to add that she's also 20 and well traveled.She's been to Italy, England, Spain and Mexico(her Dad's job allows family to go with him at times)in college, she gets pretty good grades and recently got a promotion at her job, so she is doing better with us. I look at this as a "port in the storm" for her. Whether my son and her eventually marry is up to them, although I think they will someday. I'm really not looking for praise for this and realize there could be drawbacks that haven't surfaced, yet,but all that aside...at least she is getting an education and has a roof over her head. I am just sorry that the racism has to be such a dividing factor.It never was with me and my late husband and it's a hard thing for me to understand: thanks so much for the your wisdom and suggestions so far..
2007-03-07 22:33:42 · update #1
Bless your heart!!! Not only did you adopt, but you basically adopted your son's girlfriend as well. I absolutely commend you!
As far as how to help the girlfriend...
Just be like any REAL mother would be. Talk to her, engage in activities with her, perhaps a good ol' mom and daughter day! There are so many ways you can help her without prying. I'm sure she already appreciates you more than you know!
Try having a lunch date with her.. just you and her. Leave your son behind some of the times. With time, I'm sure the lines of communication will open and she will willingly start talking about the other things such as her family, etc.
Just be the great mom that you have always been!
I wish you and your family the very, VERY best!
2007-03-07 21:52:59 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Her mom might not change her attitude until your son and her daugther get married. She probably thinks there is still a chance for them to separate and will not encourage their relationship by getting friendly to your family. Because your son and his girlfriend are still in college and may not have plans to get married yet, this situation may continue for a while. When it comes to marriage, it's important to know if the girl will decide to get married without her parents' blessing (although she might get her father's - men don't get so emotional over their children as moms do so he might take her side). Your son's girlfiend might be under a lot of pressure until she decides whether she would risk losing the relationship with her mom over the marriage to your son. But in case they get married and especially after they have a child, it might be expected that her mom will become more accepting of her daugther's new family. Meanwhile make you future daugther-in-law feel loved and supported and tell her you would do anything to make the relationships between the two families improve.
2007-03-07 21:59:37 · answer #2 · answered by petyado 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey, if you were woman enough to take the girl in (which I think is a HUGE mistake), you should be woman enough to go visit her mother yourself and sit down and talk with her one-on-one. I think you should try to get the girl re-united with her family before you have a grandbaby on the way. Someone else in her family should be taking on this responsibility; not you. What happens if she and your son break up? You just never know with kids. Go talk to the mom and try to intervene in the situation. Her mother probably resents you deeply, so I wouldn't expect to be received with open arms. But since the mother is still in contact at least part-time, she really loves her daughter. That's my opinion and it's worth what you paid for it. I pray everything works out for your family and godloveya.
2007-03-07 22:04:58 · answer #3 · answered by Sassy OLD Broad 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you can be her friend its OK she needs one right now and this is the best time to be her friend
invite her out to coffee with out your son let her know how you feel about her and that you are glad that someday she may be family once you build a relationship with her then talk about her family
2007-03-07 22:03:46 · answer #4 · answered by debrasearch 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Just be there for her-life is what it is...hard...no need to feel bad-just feel good being there for your son and his girlfriend....that is really all you can do without "rocking the boat".....Racism...I wish the problem would just disappear....The parents should come around if they really love their daughter and want to be in her life....I wish you all the best....-remember stay calm....watch the things you say to the parents....and hope for the best....
2007-03-07 21:51:00 · answer #5 · answered by Hanna 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you are the best mum, dont put this on yourself , what right does the gf's mum have to pry now , who has used the manipulation 101 , to get her daughter to feel like crap , what right does the gf mum have , love is love , it isnt her mums choice , it is her daughters , and if her daughter has made the decison to stay with your son .
you remember it later on , dont let yourself become a controlling factor for later on , parents are ADVISORS , they dont make the decisions when they are able to do so themeslves .
I hope that this couple is blessed in the relationship , and all controlling and ties are severered from the gf mum , because this is purely and simply PSYCOLOGICAL ABUSE!! , and that is so unfair , I hope the gf stays strong to her feelings , and that her life is blessed by your son!
2007-03-07 21:49:05 · answer #6 · answered by DSV 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ease into the conversation and let her know that you're there for her to talk to if she ever needs it. Try to help her find a way to get her family to accept your son. I wish you the best of luck.
2007-03-07 21:40:43 · answer #7 · answered by pixie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋